Little big man

Ten free minutes for me, 10 free Dana Jacobson bleep-faced rants for you . . .


1. Remember when Kevin Faulk couldn't nudge aside a decaying Terry Allen to become the Patriots' feature back? Remember a few years later when he lost his third-down role to temporary hero J.R. Redmond? Remember when you cringed every time he carried the ball because it seemed like he fumbled in every big situation? Remember when Kevin Faulk wasn't nearly as dependable, clutch, admired, smart, tough, respected, and downright essential as he his now, in his ninth NFL season? Talk about a player who has redeemed himself, not only on the field but in the eyes of the fans. He's the heir apparent to Troy Brown as the team's designated Beloved Overachiever, and it's to his endless credit that he has arrived at this point in his career after such a maddening start.

2. It kills me how the ESPN hairdos and other would-be contrarians, in their desperation to find a way the Giants can stop the Patriots, repeatedly cite the 1990 Bills and the 2001 Rams as two historically great offenses who were defeated in the Super Bowl. I mean, c'mon - shouldn't it be obvious, even to the multi-concussed likes of Merril Hoge, what the common denominator was in those two games?

3. Let's see: Mike Vrabel allegedly tried to leg whip Philip Rivers in the AFC title game, Rodney Harrison's list of dastardly transgressions is long and distinguished, and I'd be tempted to side with Richard Seymour against Nick Hardwick's claim of cheap play if only he hadn't been caught stomping on the Colts' Tarik Glenn last season. If the Pats aren't careful, they're going to get the reputation as a dirty team. Which, frankly, is fine by me.

4. Philip Rivers yaps way more than a quarterback of his limited talent and accomplishment should, but after watching him gut it out against the Pats on a messed-up knee while LaDainian Tomlinson passed the biggest game of his career by brooding in his Haz-Mat suit on the bench, I know who I'd respect more in that huddle from here on out.

5. A pleasant dilemma for Danny Ainge: Should he sign Damon Stoudamire once his buyout with the Grizzlies becomes official, or should he gamble and hope that the superior Sam Cassell - a good buddy of KG's and proven postseason performer - becomes available in a similar fashion a few weeks down the road? I think I vote for the latter, though the risk is that Stoudamire signs elsewhere, Cassell doesn't become available, and we're stuck watching the likes of Tony Allen pass, punt, and kick the ball upcourt in a playoff game when Rajon Rondo is on the bench.


6. I suppose the man Bill Parcells christened "Beach Ball" deserves credit for being honest about who he's pulling for this week. To put this delicately, DeOssie doesn't strike me as a guy who always put family before football, but he wouldn't be the first person to get his priorities straight as he grew older.

7. Damn. Talk about seeing a ghost. A few days ago, I watched that '86 Maryland/North Carolina game on ESPN Classic - you know the game I mean, for it's remembered as Bias's definitive performance - and I was reminded yet again how easily the memories of his death come rushing back. Yeah, I'll probably check out the movie. But I doubt I'll see anything that wasn't permanently burned into my mind when I was 16 years old and devastated.

8. The closer we get to spring training, the closer I get to officially becoming concerned that Terry Francona doesn't have the lucrative, long-term contract he deserves. Here's hoping this is something Theo's getting done under the cover of darkness, and it'll be announced when we're not expecting it.

9. Best wishes to Tom Coughlin with your extensive skin-graft surgery, and here's hoping you don't come out looking like the Cat Lady. Seriously, by the end of the NFC Championship Game, he looked like a cross between the Snow Miser and Fire Marshall Bill. Couldn't he have at least worn some ear muffs?

10. As for today's Completely Random Hockey Card:


I pay about as much attention to hockey as I do to "The View," but I'm fairly certain the Bruins' coach looks nothing like this nowadays.

Mission statement

Ten free minutes for me, 10 free half-formed thoughts for you . . .


1. I know we're supposed to be focusing on football at this hour, but I can't help getting all jacked and pumped for baseball season when I read that Manny Ramirez has been working out at the legendary Athletes Performance Institute in Arizona for the better part of the winter. You know what? Screw that oh-no-he's-beginning-his-decline stuff. Manny's ticked, he's focused, he's probably a little embarrassed, and he's coming back, big-time. I'm thinking .320-36-133, conservatively.

2. Okay, one more Sox item before we swing over to the Pats: Geffner's gone! GEFFNER'S GONE!!! WHEEEEE-HOOOOOOOO!!! BREAK OUT THE ZIMA, SOX GAMES ARE LISTENABLE AGAIN! (Deep breath. Fist pump! Okay, calm. YESSS! Calm. Deep breath.) Beyond the fact that even Joe Castiglione must be thrilled that his media guide-spewing, ridiculously unqualified sidekick is departing for a job with the Marlins, it's curious that another perceived underling/lackey of Larry Lucchino is out the door, not long after Dr. Charles took his patented schmaltz to Los Angeles. Hmmm. Almost makes you think Theo's running the whole show now, doesn't it?

3. Here's a fun hypothetical for you: What devious scheme do you think Bill Belichick would come up with to stop - or should I say attempt to stop - this Patriots' offense? Obviously, his credentials need no rehash here, but it's still worth noting that he's the mastermind who thwarted both the K-Gun Bills and the Greatest Show on Turf Rams, two of the most prolific offenses of all time. Of course, the rules were different then - his defenses could knock the living snot out of the receivers, which brings us to a great point in this Washington Post article sent along by Official TATB Antagonist Donovan Burba. Namely, that the Patriots have taken advantage of a rule change that Bill Polian and the nefarious competition committee thought would ruin them:

"When the NFL rule-makers cracked down four years ago on clutching-and-grabbing tactics by defensive players to try to open up the passing game, the move widely was viewed as a response to the rugged way in which the New England Patriots had played defense on their way to their first two Super Bowl titles.

"That 2004 directive by the league's competition committee changed the way the game is played, perhaps forever. It has led to a rewriting of the record book. And, oddly enough, it set the stage for the Patriots to become arguably the most dominant team in league history this season as they chase an unbeaten season and their fourth Super Bowl championship with an offense orchestrated by Coach Bill Belichick and quarterback Tom Brady.

"The very rule once thought to be more detrimental to the Patriots than to any other NFL club has become a crucial asset, yet another example of how the franchise has become a dynasty because Belichick and his front office are more adaptable than anyone else in the league."

If that isn't delicious irony, I don't know what is. Somewhere, Polian just punted his hairless cat, slapped his manservant, then fired his glass of scotch against the wall.

4. Just when I was beginning to wonder if Ray Allen was careening headlong into that Over-32 wall that seems to affect virtually every star shooting guard not named Jordan or Miller, he goes out and delivers a vintage 35-point performance against a very impressive Portland Trail Blazers team. So for the moment I'm convinced that Mr. Shuttlesworth is still capable of a major star turn when the moment calls for it, provided Doc Rivers has the common sense to give him the necessary rest the next few months. It would also be swell if Danny Ainge could find a suitable backup point guard so Allen doesn't have to expend energy with additional ballhandling duties. He's a shooter, still. Let that be his focus.

5. Let's put it this way: If Roger Clemens goes before Congress willingly, I'll eat his lawyer's hairpiece. In the biggest moments, he's always shriveled and tried to find the coward's way out. Why should that change now? I fully expect that if he does end up having to testify, he'll pull out his old standby and try to limp out of the proceedings halfway through with the trusty "tweaked" groin excuse. Desperate man, desperate measures. (And if you haven't seen this yet, Esquire absolutely destroys him with this point-by-point list of his all-time scumbag transgressions, appropriately titled, "The Wonderful, Despicable Life of Roger Clemens." You know I loved it.

6. Nice of Jason Garrett to let Wade Phillips stick around on his staff in Dallas, isn't it? Phillips doesn't strike me as the sharpest tool in the shed - I believe the past phrase I used to describe his coaching style was "Pete Carroll with man-boobs," and I'm sticking with it - but even he has to know he's a dead-man walking in Dallas. No one's admitting it, but Jerry Jones simply had to promise Garrett one of two things to get him to turn down head coaching gigs in Baltimore and Atlanta to stay as the Cowboys' offensive coordinator: That he'd be Phillips's eventual successor as head coach - and, shhh, don't tell Wade, but sooner rather than later - or that he'd could take Jessica Simpson to Cabo and give her the Romo treatment for the week. Probably the former, I suppose.

7. The Baltimore Orioles haven't done a whole hell of a lot right in recent seasons, but shipping Miguel Tejada to the Houston Astros the day before the Mitchell Report was made public was inspired. That's just the kind of sneaky I like.

8. Even though the dynamics weren't quite right this season, I'm still going through serious "The Office" withdrawal. Can't imagine there's any chance the season can be salvaged given how long the writers' strike is expected to last.

9. I was as annoyed by Rodney Harrison's unnecessary penalties against the Jaguars as anyone, but as far as I'm concerned he can keep on spearing that floppy-armed motormouth Philip Rivers until he has one of his bloody ribs dangling from his facemask. And that goes double if Rivers isn't actually playing in the game.

10. As for today's Completely Random Football Card:


I mentioned my boyhood adulation of J.J. and the rest of the Air Coryell Chargers before last year's San Diego-New England playoff showdown, and so the rules of superstition and jinxes dictate we mention them again this time around. Hey, at least I'm not tempting fate by comparing the Pats to the '86 Celts before they actually win the damn thing like some people. Sheesh.

Free and easy (down the road)

Ten free minutes for me, 10 free half-formed thoughts for you . . .


1. While the Merril Hoge's of the world continue to spew their concussed nonsense about some "blueprint" to beat the Pats, I have to say that I'm actually more confident that they're going to run the table than I have been all season. Here's why: 1) Laurence Maroney is running with more determination and ferocity than I can recall seeing since the beginning of his rookie season. 2) Richard Seymour looks fully healthy for the first time this season, Tedy Bruschi is suddenly rejuvenated and running around like a madman again, and long-lost Eugene Wilson appears to be regaining his usefulness, meaning that their defense is peaking at the perfect time. 3) I have complete faith that once the postseason arrives and every throw matters again, Tom Brady will stop trying to play pitch-and-catch with Randy Moss even when No. 81 is quintuple covered, and the entire passing offense will again become viciously efficient and prolific.

2. A subtlety smart move the Patriots made last season: signing Jabar Gaffney to a two-year contract after he got cut by the Eagles. One other thing about TATB's new football binky: in 2005 with the Texans, he caught 55 passes for 492 yards . . . resulting in a puny 8.9 average. I can't think of a receiver ever having a lower YPC during a productive season. I suppose that's what you'd call the David Carr Effect.

3. Jon Beason, the Miami linebacker we thought the Patriots would take in the first round, is third in the NFL in tackles (130) in his rookie season with Carolina. Another rookie who was long gone before the Pats picked - San Francisco dynamo Patrick Willis - leads the league with 162 tackles, and Jets freshman David Harris is tied for 10th (115). I'm not going to pretend I know how well any of these players would fit the Patriots' system, but from my uneducated perspective it sure looks like the past draft would have been a fine time to take that young linebacker they're going to need in the coming seasons.

4. The Celtics' three losses are a two-point loss at Orlando, a five-point overtime loss at Cleveland, and two-point loss to Detroit - three very winnable games. I'm not saying they would be 26-0 - there are certainly a couple they have won that they could have lost - but they're a lot closer to perfection that most of us realize.

5. The Miami Heat is 8-21, the worst record in the Eastern Conference. Pat Riley, never one to stick it out at the expense of his career winning percentage, should be resigning from "exhaustion" any day now.

6. I hope Dan Shaughnessy is correct in his column today and this is the year Jim Rice, the Sox' slugging superhero in my first seasons as a fan, gets the call from Cooperstown. But I just can't convince myself enough voters will change their minds on him the season to put him over the 75 percent threshold.

7. I'm skeptical that the Sox's interest in Johan Santana is 100 percent genuine as it is - I'm fairly certain they just want to see Hank the Tank cave in and give up Hughes and Kennedy - but the thing that makes me really believe they won't make this trade is the ace lefty's request for a seven-year, $140 million deal. There is simply no way Theo Epstein agrees to pay any pitcher $20 million dollars per season at age 35, let alone one who will cost a collection of fine prospects in trade and who showed subtle signs of decline at 28.

8. Wonder how baseball's version of George Michael and Andrew Ridgeley feel about each other these days. Andy Pettitte's admission that he tried HGH was basically an indictment of Roger Clemens, his longtime teammate and workout buddy. Pettitte, to his credit, took the honest way out. Clemens called his lawyers, sought out Steinbrenner crony Mike Wallace to interview him, and issued a string of non-denial denials. Pretty much what you'd expect from both of them, actually.

9. Just when I start wondering if karma is nothing but a convoluted way for people to convince themselves that the cruel injustices of the world will eventually be righted, Clemens's career ends with him hobbling off the mound in a losing cause, then has his reputation and baseball resume irreparably damaged by his very own cheatin' heart. And then, oddly enough, I find myself a believer in such a concept again.

10. As for today's Completely Random Baseball Card:


Because sometimes, it really is random.

I said the audience was heavenly/But the traveling was hell

Ten free minutes for me, 10 free non-denial denials from 'Roidin' Roger for you . . .


1. Since sometime around, oh, the final 1/10th of a second in the loss to Detroit, I've been trying to come up with a Celtics player from the last 20 years or so who is as dumb on the basketball court as Tony Allen. (Maybe dumb is too harsh a word. Erratic? Untrustworthy? Instinctively challenged? Maddening? Nope, dumb's the word.) The best/worst I can come up with is Ray Williams, the scattershot former Knick who had a 23-game cameo with the Celts in 1984-85. Williams was ridiculously out of control - his approach to offense could be described as "jump 'n' fling" - but in a much more entertaining way than Allen, who always seems to make a mistake that everyone in the building but him sees coming. The kid does try, and he has above-average physical talent when he's knee is right, but I don't know if he'll ever overcome his negative basketball IQ. Right now, he's the basketball version of Bethel Johnson.

2. I still say Johan Santana ends up in pinstripes, once one of these repetitive reports claiming the Red Sox remain the frontrunner for the ace lefthander actually convinces Hank "Boy George" Steinbrenner to overrule Brian Cashman and include Ian Kennedy along with Philip Hughes. The Yankees need him, they can afford him, and they will get him. And frankly, I'm just fine with that.

3. Man, the Tuna just can't stay away from the action, can he? I guess that's what you should expect from someone who lives in Saratoga. I think we all agree, however, that ESPN's loss is the league's gain - the NFL is just plain more entertaining when Bill Parcells is involved. The Dolphins certainly fit his mode of operation - he always seems to take over a team that appears to be at rock-bottom, but one that owns valuable assets (in this case, Ronnie Brown and the No. 1 pick). Then, he will clean house of the miscreants, bring in a few of His Guys and savvy vets (this is the perfect home for Chad Pennington), and voila, he looks like a genius when the team goes 8-8. Hey, we never said he wasn't shrewd, and of course it'll be fascinating to watch him go head-to-head with former underling Bill Belichick these next few seasons. I'm sure it's a kick to his massive ego that some now wonder whether Belichick was the real mastermind of the Giants' two Super Bowl victories.


4. I'm not sure Gary Payton has enough left in the tank to help the Celtics on the court - I don't trust anyone older than me to play point guard in the NBA, and for all of his wisdom he might be a little too, um, direct to mentor Rajon Rondo - but it's worth remembering that he's indirectly made an immense contribution to this team already. Payton, you'll recall, was one of the players Kevin Garnett consulted while doing his legwork on Boston before deciding he'd be willing to come here, and the artist formerly known as the Glove apparently had nothing but good things to say about his time here. Hell, maybe Danny Ainge should reward him with that open roster spot for that alone.

5. Mark these words: Sportsman of the Year/Peter King Mancrush Brett Favre will cough up a hairball in a playoff game (two dumb picks, minimum), and some team (New York? Tampa Bay?) that none of the experts think can beat the Packers will. Favre's renaissance this year has been a joy to watch, but it stuns me how often he'll throw the ball up for grabs rather than hanging in there and taking a hit. The likes of King are too busy fawning over him to notice that he's not quite the gritty, gutty gunslinger he's made out to be - he's a guy with some savvy, a strong arm, an overwhelming instinct to protect his own hide, and a better supporting cast than anyone realized. That won't be enough.

6. Is there a more underrated play-by-play announcer in any sport, locally or on the national scene, than the Celtics' Mike Gorman? His unassuming style makes it very easy to take him for granted, but he's a total pro, has great pipes and an unobtrusive catchphrase or two ("Pierce . . . count it!"), and gets extra credit for keeping Heinsohn from mauling an official all these years. The only Boston play-by-play guy I enjoy nearly as much is Gil Santos, and at this point he's slipped so much that should ol' No. 80, Troy Brown, catch a pass this Sunday, I fully expect he will be identified as older No. 80, Irving Fryar.

7. Geez, maybe this kid is the backup point guard the Celtics need. Check out Sebastian Telfair's line tonight in the Kevin McHale T-Wolves' 131-118 win over the Larry Bird Pacers: 48 minutes, 11-18 from the field, 5-5 from the line, 27 points, 11 assists, 1 turnover. To be honest, I'm not sure what to make of it - the gem could be a sign he's growing into his talent, or it could be just another tease - but I do find myself rooting for him for some reason. Sure, he's had his share of trouble and controversy, most of it self-inflicted, but he strikes me as a generally decent kid who puts the work in and wants to do the right thing, and that can't come easily for him considering one of his lifelong role models is his cousin, Stephon Marbury.

8. According to longtime reader Jill H., OK! Magazine - the gossip rag that all but locked up a Pulitzer with its groundbreaking coverage of Britney's sister's pregnancy - is reporting that Official Muse of TATB (Non-Wife Division) Jenna Fischer is dating . . . David Spade. You know, David Spade: the Chris Farley-leeching, Hermey-the-dentist-looking, mean-spirited, smarmy little actor who happens to be the reason Eddie Murphy refuses to appear on "Saturday Night Live." Yeah . . . him. I'm holding out hope that OK! is not the bastion of journalistic integrity I believe it to be and that this will be proved false, but for now it seems appropriate to quote Jim Halpert here: Congratulations, universe. You win.

9. I have to admit, I had second, third, and fourth thoughts about my criticism of those national baseball writers and analysts who raced to defend the players in the immediate aftermath of the Mitchell Report while simultaneously disregarding their own Three Blind Mice role in this entire epic mess. Part of the reason was that I realized that if I were in their position, as someone who had a Blackberry full of contacts and genuine insider access, I too might be reluctant to risk becoming a professional pariah for the sake of a story that would devastate a game that means so much to me. I suppose that means I'd be a lousy investigative reporter, but I have to admit, it's probably the truth. It also dawned on me that there were some extremely accomplished reporters - T.J. Quinn of the Daily News and now ESPN comes to mind - who were on the case constantly and yet couldn't entirely crack it, so maybe I was foolish to think any old big-time baseball writer with an ounce of ambition could. That said, it's worth noting that one of the writers I ripped understood my take. Here's what Peter Gammons said in an email a few days after the post:

Very fair criticism. I do feel that the way Mitchell threw names out there was sloppy . . . and I am one who cannot bring myself to presume guilt without some proof in the cases of the assumed. I love the sport and I enjoy the players, and I am wrestling with the fairness of a handful of players being found guilty when the entire industry was apparently infected. I'm glad I have five years to decide on my Hall of Fame ballot. [But} the defrauding of all baseball records is sad, not for me who really doesn't care that much about records, but for the millions who do. Again, thanks for being fair.

Hey, no matter how you feel about his point of view, you have to give Gammons some credit for admitting some culpability. Most people of his professional stature would begin an email to the likes of me with something along the lines of "Dear lowly maggot peon know-nothing basement-dwelling mom-snuggling blogger: Go %*$%*%*#@$*ourself and your little dog too." And that probably includes some people I work with.

10. As for today's Completely Random Football Card:


Hard to believe considering he'd still rank among my five or six all-time favorite Patriots (and a runaway No. 1 among athletes I've interviewed), but I kinda forgot Lawyer Milloy was still in the league until he publicly shredded, spindled and mutilated that slippery weasel Bobby Petrino after he abandoned the Falcons to go scurrying back to college. Milloy doesn't strike me as a guy who has a lot of regrets, and his bank account certainly justifies any career decisions he has made, but I always thought of him as an athlete who made winning his No. 1 priority, and I wonder if he's ever lamented the way his Patriots career came to an end.

Day of reckoning

Ten free minutes for me, 10 free game-used U.L. Washington toothpicks for you . . .


1. All I ask of the Mitchell Report when the juicy details are revealed today is this: Please, not Papi. And if there's no mention of Manny, well, I'd be grateful for that, too. Clemens is all yours, however.

2. Bo Jackson is the most dynamic, electrifying athlete I've ever seen, and to all you kids who think us 30-something geezers are exaggerating his exploits, all I can say is you'll never understand what you missed. But as the great Joe Posnanski reminded me recently, Herschel Walker, in his freshman year at Georgia, was a phenomenon in his own right, as breathtaking and charismatic and unstoppable as Bo at his all-too-brief peak. These two stories - this ESPN feature on Bo, and Poz's on Herschel - are delightful flashbacks, the next best thing to watching them play again.

3. Whenever I'm worried about the Patriots' chances in a particular game, they have a uncanny habit of absolutely pulverizing their opponent that week, which I suppose bodes well for this Sunday's uncivil war with the Jets. Because, well . . . I'm a little nervous about this one, particularly if the Mother Nature decides to even the playing field a little bit by dumping a foot of snow in Foxboro Sunday morning. Now, I don't think the Pats will lose, mind you, not with revenge on their minds and malice in the hearts - at this point, I wouldn't be stunned if Belichick attempted to pistol-whip the reprehensible Eric Mangini during the postgame handshake. It's just that the Jets aren't that bad, and a point-spread of 20-something strikes me as a little bit ridiculous. (And now that I've said that, call your bookies and bet the over.)

4. Very interesting timing of that Miguel Tejada trade, wouldn't you say?

5. I do miss "The Office," though I'll admit the show was . . . just a little off this season, I guess. I got the sense that the writers hadn't quite figured out how to handle the new Jim/Pam dynamic; the characters' understated longing for each other, so subtle and heartfelt through the first three seasons, always provided the balance to the over-the-top antics of Michael and Dwight. Their emotions kept the show grounded in reality. This season, with Pam and Jim the seemingly happy, boring couple, the show teetered toward the ridiculous (example: Michael driving his car into a pond) a little too often. I am confident the writers will hit their stride once their strike ends, whenever that may be. The people behind this show are too smart to let it become just another sitcom.

(As for the obligatory Official Muse of TATB, Non-Wife Division photo . . . well, I know what's expected of me. Here you go:)



(Wait! You mean there's a whole slideshow? Parade magazine, you are awesome! I'll be in my room.)

6. Before he went 0 for 4 from the field in tonight's win over the Kings, none other than Rajon Rondo had the highest field goal percentage among all guards in the NBA (.547). That's a little bit misleading, of course, considering that he rarely shoots unless it's a wide-open look or a layup, and actually, I wish he'd shoot more. Rondo's a delight to watch just for his sheer athleticism and quickness, but I wish that he's stop kicking the ball out to the perimeter so often after he blows by his defender. It's almost like he can get to the hoop at will, but he's still too unselfish after that initial move. Who knows, if he stops passing up open layups, maybe he'll get that shooting percentage even higher.

7. I don't think Jim Rice will get into the Hall of Fame this year, and if I'm being completely honest, I'm not certain he deserves to. (Check out his home/road splits sometime.) But I sincerely hope Cooperstown does call for him on this, his 14th year on the ballot. I could argue that I think he should be enshrined because he's was the American League's most feared slugger for the better part of a decade, but really, I'm crossing my fingers for him because Rice was one of my childhood heroes, and I still can't help but root for him.

8. One more reason it's too bad Harry Caray's not still around: I suspect he would really come up with some very interesting pronunciations of new Cubs outfielder Kosuke Fukudome's name.

9. While snooping around profootballreference.com the other day, I stumbled upon this almost unbelievable statistic: In 1998, the San Diego Chargers' quarterbacks - a couple of scatter-armed gems named Ryan Leaf and Craig Whelihan - combined for 10 touchdown passes and 34 interceptions. I'm not saying it was the worst QB tandem in NFL history, but I'm pretty sure watching those two on his TV every Sunday is what killed Don Coryell. Junior Seau and Rodney Harrison both played on that team. Something tells me they appreciate Tom Brady even more than most.

10. As for today's Completely Random Football Card:


Wednesday marked the 25th anniversary of the infamous Snowplow Game. So yeah, I guess you can pinpoint the exact moment Don Shula's irrational hatred for the Patriots began.

Tito, get me a tissue

Ten free minutes for me, 10 free throwaway lines for you . . .


1. It's reassuring that the Red Sox took care of their most personnel business early in the offseason, signing Mike Lowell and Curt Schilling to reasonable, fair deals, and all but ensuring that next year's team will look a whole lot like the one that ended this season so triumphantly. But there is still one more matter that needs to be resolved in the next few weeks for this offseason to be considered a complete success: Theo Epstein must give Terry Francona, who has one year remaining on his contract, the lucrative extension he deserves. You know how I feel about Francona, and I trust those of you with clear eyes and at least a dollop of common sense feel the same: He's is the best Red Sox manager of this and perhaps any era. There is no one else I would rather have running this baseball team, and he deserves to be at the top of the managerial pay scale. I have little reason to believe this is the case right now, but if Theo and his underlings somehow actually subscribe to the Billy Beane theory that the importance of a manager is vastly overrated, then they are making a grievous, inexcusable error. Francona is necessary. They'd better realize as much.

2. Someone with an appreciation and knowledge of defensive line play, answer me this: Is Richard Seymour doing the kinds of things that don't show up on the stat sheet - commanding a double team, collapsing the pocket, making life easier for the linebackers, etc. - or is he, as the stat sheet suggests, doing nothing at all? Because right now, I'm beginning to think it's the latter, and I'm wondering what became of the game-altering beast who wreaked such havoc a few seasons ago.

3. Dr. Charles Steinberg, the Red Sox' Vice President of Schmaltz who is leaving the Red Sox for the Dodgers, always struck me as the Smithers to Larry Lucchino's Mr. Burns, and I have to assume he's to blame for such insidious adominations as the Red Sox Nation Presidency and that trainwreck dating show on NESN. Yet when Steinberg got it right, he really got it right, most notably regarding the pitch-perfect 2004 ring ceremony, and I suppose the fact that the Sox are more popular than ever has at least something to do with his marketing savvy. I won't miss him, but then, as a lifelong and eternally loyal Sox fan, I'm not who he was trying to appeal to anyway.

4. TATB's two favorite Celtics moments from the past week: 1) Ray Allen's improbable, delightful buzzer-beater at Charlotte, which happened only after Paul Pierce had the presence of mind to feed him the ball rather than heave up an ill-advised attempt of his own. Hey, he's learning. 2) Rajon Rondo's behind-the-back fake that deked Derek Fisher out of his tube socks, an impossibly athletic move that Rondo finished off with a layup. Eddie House was so pumped and jacked after Rondo's highlight-reel move that he comically ran onto the court and whacked him with a towel as play continued. Man, this is a fun team.

5. You know your perspective as a Red Sox fan has undergone a healthy change when you hear reports that the Yankees are in trade discussions with the Twins for ace Johan Santana, and your initial reaction is something along the lines of this: Huh. I guess we'll just have to keep Buchholz and Ellsbury then. Seriously, it's a refreshingly satisfying feeling to know that the Yankees are chasing the Sox now, and in order to get the 28-year-old two-time Cy Young winner, they'll have to give up some of that quality youth (hopefully Philip Hughes and Robinson Cano) that their ancient, thin roster so desperately needs.

6. I still don't think I was wrong in assuming the discovery of a 10-pound hairball in a person's stomach had something to do with Fred Smerlas.

7. Ideally, they'd both be back next season, and I'd say right now there's decent chance they both will be. But I'll ask the question anyway: If the Patriots can retain only one marquee-free-agent-to-be, who would you prefer it to be? Randy Moss or Asante Samuel? Discuss.

8. I think Bill Belichick is much more sentimental than his dour public persona would suggest - he's given Doug Flutie and Vinny Testaverde their moments in the sun in recent seasons for no reason other than it was a nice, respectful gesture to a couple of old pros - and it's going to be fascinating to see if his obvious admiration for Troy Brown affects the decision to add him to the active roster or not. I hate to say it, but at the moment, there just doesn't seem to be a spot for ol' No. 80 on the offensive side of the ball, especially with Jabar Gaffney being so dependable as a fourth receiver and Kelley Washington such a force on special teams. Though, come to think of it, the way things are going with the DBs lately, maybe Brown will be playing nickel back for this team by December.


9. It won't happen this year, but Tim Raines, one of the notable newbies on the 2008 Hall of Fame ballot revealed yesterday, deserves a plaque in Cooperstown. The man they called "Rock" didn't get his due for a couple of reasons: he played in the same era as the transcendent Rickey Henderson, he spent his finest seasons in the distant outpost of Montreal, and he was tarnished by a drug problem early in his career. But Raines was one of the most dynamic, efficient, and underrated offensive performers of the '80s, and he was a superior player to, among other Hall of Famers, Lou Brock. (Go ahead: look it up. Or better yet, read this.) Like I said, it will never happen on the first ballot, but I do hope one of these years, Raines gets his just reward. And his ex-teammate and mentor Andre Dawson belongs there with him.

10. As for today's Completely Random Baseball Card:



Anytime an ex-Maine Guide/recovering coke head writes a book, you know I'm readin'.

Don't mock me

Ten free minutes for me, 10 free dispatches from mom's basement for you . . .


1. In his latest mock draft, Mel Kiper Jr. has the Patriots selecting Ole Miss linebacker Patrick Willis at 24, then landing Florida safety Reggie Nelson at 28. While I'm slightly wary of Gator safeties - Are you out there? Tony George? Is that you, Guss Scott? - Nelson sounds like the real deal, and I think I've made it pretty clear here that Willis is TATB's annual draft binky. Unfortunately, pretty much every other mock draft has workout warrior Willis long gone before the Patriots pick, and the last time Kiper was right about the Pats on draft day, I think they selected Reggie Dupard. Hell, Kiper's still scratching his man-bouffant over the Logan Mankins pick.

2. Given that I can look out the window and still see a home run Vernon Wells hit off him in August accelerating toward the moon, I'm not quite ready to trust Josh Beckett just yet. But damn, when he's throwing three nasty pitches for strikes, as he's done all spring, I can't help but wonder if he'll emerge as a force in his second year in Boston.

3. I'm not going to pretend I'm an accomplished NBA scout like, say, Marty Blake or Bill Simmons, but for this slightly-more-than-casual hoops fan, there sure have been some fun revelations in the tournament this year. Georgetown's Jeff Green isn't the quickest player on the court, but the ball always seems to find him in the big moments, and I love his slashing game. And while his behemoth teammate, Roy Hibbert, probably won't amount to much more than space-filler in the NBA because of his plodding ways, he's smart and a deft passer who deserves praise for making himself into a legitimate player. There are NBA teams who would be glad to have Ohio State freshman Mike Conley Jr. running their offense right now, and I'm even coming around on Florida's Joakim Noah, whose relentless hustle and shrewd court sense might help him become something more than the NBA role player I thought he'd be. The Final Four should be a blast.

4. As for Durant or Oden? Give me Oden, and without a moment's hesitation. Oh, I do love Durant, and believe he'll be an amalgam of Kevin Garnett and Carmelo Anthony in the NBA, a perennial All-Star, a potential scoring champ. But I think NBA history makes it apparent that a franchise big guy is a far more valuable commodity that a franchise wing player. Oden's performance in the tournament, epitomized by his game-saving volleyball spike of a block at the end of the Tennessee game, has left me with no doubt that he will eventually be a franchise player in the NBA, and a dominating defender from Day 1.

5. As fun as it's been to watch Durant and Oden find superstardom, my two all-time favorite freshmen remain Chris Jackson (LSU, '89) and Kenny Anderson (Georgia Tech, '90). Forget about the slugs they became in the NBA. If you saw them in college, you understand.

6. Anyone who's wondering why ESPN would dump Joe Theismann and replace him with Ron Jaworski on "Monday Night Football" is forgetting three important facts. 1) Jaws was nothing short of terrific in Week 1 last season when he and Dick Vermeil were the analysts for the second MNF game of the season-opening doubleheader. 2) He has terrific chemistry with Tony Kornheiser during his guest spots on "PTI," and it's a reasonable gamble to assume that will transfer to the broadcast booth. 3) Theismann was humorless, never shut the **** up, rarely made an insightful point, and contradicted himself constantly. But other than that, he was great.

7. If there's anything we've learned about Rick Pitino, it's that when he says he's not interested in the Kentucky job, there's a pretty good chance he's interested in the Kentucky job. I do think his slippery protege, Billy Donovan, gets first dibs, though.

8. His Idiot's Guide To Plagiarism was one thing, but yesterday's suggestion that the Celtics might want to consider trading for pretty-close-to-untouchable Jazz star Carlos Boozer made it official: Butch Stearns has officially passed Steve Burton as the frontrunner for our annual TV Sports Dude Who Was Most Likely Dropped On His Head As An Infant award. Stay tuned.

9. Quick programming note: Starting next week, TATB will be writing a weekly column for FoxSports.com in the Nine Innings format. (The kicker: It's not Red Sox-related. You mean there are other teams?) Also, it looks like we'll have some sort of affiliation with Boston.com soon, and we've got a few other cool freelance things going on as well that we'll let you in on once they become semi-official. My point: Please check the other stuff out, and thanks for making it all possible.

10. As for today's Completely Random Baseball Card:


So I fire off a Google search for "baseball card," and ol' Wilbur here is the first thing to come up. Yep, that's what I call random.

Grilling season

Ten free minutes for me, 10 free Manny-owned appliances for you . . .

1. Well, since the Twins weren't giving up Joe Nathan and the Yankees are yet to make Mariano Rivera available, I guess this is the next-best thing, right? Returning Jonathan Papelbon to the role in which he dominated like no other Sox closer since . . . well, who, the Monster? . . . makes plenty of sense even if you do detect a whiff of panic, for it solves a big problem while creating a much smaller one in the starting rotation. (One I think Tito is convinced Kason Gabbard will eventually fill.) I have to admit, though, I'm a bit disappointed that Papelbon won't be starting. I was giddy over the thought of having a trio of 26-year-old potential aces surrounding Curt Schilling and Tim Wakefield in the rotation, and it seems to me the Sox's greatest advantage over the Yankees coming into the season was starting pitching. I had Papelbon penciled in for 16-18 wins and 200 Ks. I guess 40 saves and a lot less late-inning stress will be an acceptable consolation prize. (And yes, we are pretending that we have no concerns about his shoulder's ability to handle the burden. Let's just move on, okay?)

2. I've caught myself rubbernecking at Schilling's 38-car pileup of a blog (yeah, I know . . . pot, kettle, black) the last few days, and mark my words, he's going to write something that causes a *^&$storm in the clubhouse, and sooner rather than later. Just today, he took an unbecoming shot at Bob Tewksbury, who's about as controversial as vanilla ice cream, revealed that "John" would be closing, and answered a question about a long-ago incident with Scott Williamson that A) made no sense, and B) sure read like a guilty man's revision of history. Yeah, I suppose we should have known he'd be as self-important behind the keyboard as he is in front of a microphone.

3. Let's see, since pissing away the AFC title game, the Patriots have: retained their ballhawking young cornerback whom everyone thought would bolt for the biggest bucks as a free agent; signed the best linebacker available, one who happens to perfectly fit their defensive system; acquired three intriguing wide receivers, each of whom brings a different skill-set to the huddle; signed a blocking tight end and a versatile backup running back; and vastly improved their team without trading either of their first-round picks. So I have to ask: Is it possible to actually surpass a best-case scenario?

4. As far as I can tell, there have been four worthwhile NBA season-inside books through the years. 1) "The Breaks of the Game," David Halberstam (about the the transitional late '70s Blazers, with plenty of Halberstam's patented big-picture wisdom). 2) ":07 Seconds or Less," Jack McCallum (about last year's Suns, a fun read but comes up slightly short in the insight/juicy details department). 3) "Unfinished Business," McCallum (about the 1990-91 Celtics, it's worth it for the comedic stylings of Kevin McHale alone). 4) "The Short Season: A Diary of the 1977-78 Boston Celtics," John Powers (a winning look at a surprisingly terrible team, but one that did not lack for characters). If you've got a fifth to add to this list, well hell, let me know, because I'd love to read it.

5. For the record, I have no problem with the Official Muse Of TATB's increasing aversion to clothing . . . well, other than the fact that the pictures tend to melt me until I'm nothing more than a puddle and a pair of tube socks. But I'm guessing you knew that. In a related note, when the hell is "The Office" coming back with a new episode? It's been so long, if Roy did indeed live up to his vow to kill Jim, ol' Halpert's probably been reincarnated by now. I'm suddenly finding myself spending my Beesly-free Thursdays watching "American Idol" for the first time, and frankly, I'm not all that comfortable with that. But it is addictive, you develop your favorites, and I'm pulling for the beatbox kid, Blake. He nailed that Keane song a few weeks back. And Sanjaya . . . yikes. Step away from the curling iron, son. I think he's the hermaphrodite child Michael Jackson never had. I honestly don't understand why the voters haven't sent this tone-deaf Peter Pan back to Neverland already.


6. Yep, I'm convinced. Daisuke Matsuzaka is going to be worth every digit on his paycheck. As if his ability to throw four above-average pitches at varying speeds to the exact spot Jason Varitek places his mitt isn't enough to convince us he'll be an ace from Day 1, then Varitek's complete inability to mask his admiration (is awe too strong a word?) for Dice-K is evidence enough of his elite talent. I cannot wait.

7. I hope I'm wrong, but I'm assuming that Donny Marshall will not be with Fox Sports New England for long. The former UConn star and NBA vagabond is nothing less than outstanding as Tommy Heinsohn's stand-in and, more often, as a studio analyst on the Celtics broadcasts. Marshall is refreshingly candid in critiquing his former peers, such as when he noted recently that Desmond Mason, a capable enough scorer, actually has a reputation for clogging up his team's offense because he insists on posting up all the time despite being just 6-foot-5. It was exactly the kind of insight I want to hear from a former player. You'd have to think one of the networks at some point is going to catch on to Marshall's talent and swipe him away.

8. Seriously, f you didn't laugh at the whole "Hi, this is Manny Ramirez. Check out this kickin' grill!" episode, then you are taking your time here way too seriously, my friend. (And that goes double for that bloated bag o' gas John Dennis, who actually spent moments of his life trying to find out if Manny was violating any eBay rules, for no other reason than to stir up more faux-controversial nonsense) This whole situation was classic Manny, and I mean that in the good sense. Why not enjoy it? (And I'm still laughing at his response the other day to a question about the closing situation: "Not my department." Again: Classic Manny. I sure am going to miss the goof when he returns to his native planet.)

9. Allen Ray, Brian Scalabrine, and Rajon Rondo combined to play 64 minutes against the Bobcats without scoring a single point. Consider those numbers again: Sixty-four minutes. Zero points. Nah, Doc's not tanking a thing.

10. As for today's Completely Random Baseball Card:


Because sometimes it really is random.

Our new favorite player

Ten free minutes for me, 10 free mysterious gyroballs for you . . .


1. I've been reading Gammons since I was eight years old, and this little anecdote from a recent ESPN.com column might be my favorite line he's ever written. It's from an item on Atlanta's Jeff Francoeur and how the lifelong Sox fan is looking forward to playing in Boston this season:

Talk about a perfect personality for Fenway Park . . . Team USA players like to tell the story of Francoeur confronting Alex Rodriguez during the WBC for trashing a clubhouse kid who brought him the wrong sandwich.

Seriously, how funny is that? You can practically visualize A-Rod lambasting the kid: "Dammit, kid, if I told you once . . . MR. A-ROD DOES NOT EAT TUNA FISH! NOW GO GET MR. A-ROD SOME *%&$*#*#*#&$&& HUMMUS ON FOCACCIA! NOW, SON!"

2. I'm sure Tom Brady finds the thought as intriguing as we do, but I have to believe there's a better chance of Donald Hayes being hired as the offensive coordinator than there is of Randy Moss playing for the Patriots next season. Not only did he set a league record for dogging it last season, but more than a few scouts think his once-supreme talent is in rapid decline due to neglect.

3. Old friend Antoine Walker is shooting a sizzling 39 percent from the free throw line this season for the Heat. Might be time to ask Shaq for some pointers.

4. After 10 spins on ESPN.com's very cool NBA lottery generator, I had the Celtics ending up with Greg Oden twice, Kevin Durant twice . . . and Joakim Freakin' Noah six times. I've said this before, and I'll say it again. If the Celtics end up with bust-to-be Noah, there's a good chance the next time you see me I'll be dangling from the Garden rafters with a noose fashioned out of one of the retired numbers. (Probably LOSCY).

5. So I guess Peter King's assertion that Belichick's role in the sad Ted Johnson saga would prevent veteran players from coming to the Patriots was just one more of his weekly Dumbass Things I Think I Think, right? Adalius Thomas certainly seems to have no qualms about his new coach's personality.

6. Hmmm, I wonder who Peyton is taking to the prom. (Oh, of course: Chesney).

7. I feel really good about this Sox team - like, say, 98+ wins and a memorable playoff run good. But if I had to rank my list of concerns, it would looks something like this: 1) Closer, obviously. Joel Pineiro seems set to play the role of Chad Fox. 2) Mike Lowell's bat. He was fortunate in the first half and feeble in the second. 3) Jason Varitek's health/durability. Because the less Mirabelli, the better. 4) Julio Lugo's glove. Yeah, it's early, but from what I've seen so far, he's going to be a lot closer to Edgar Renteria than Alex Gonzalez defensively.

8. There are no new "The Office" episodes for another month or so, meaning we'll have to get our pathetic fanboy Beesley fix from insightful articles like this one. Rumor has it that a couple TATB readers were in attendance at this thing, though I'm still waiting for them to report back. You don't think they were charged in violation of my restraining order, do you?

9. In his 2007 Handbook, Bill James projects Manny Ramirez to finish his career with 691 home runs. That's 221 more than he has right now, at age 34. Seems a little iffy to me that Manny will average over 30 homers per season from now into his 40s, but I wonder if this means James is pushing the Sox to pick up his option years.

10. As for today's Completely Random Baseball Card:


Say it ain't so, Craig Hansen. Give us a reason to believe you're not the second coming of Wes Gardner.

Space jam

Ten free minutes for me, 10 free half-formed thoughts for you . . .


1. The Celtics could finish this season with a 50-game losing streak - and if it would guarantee Greg Oden or Kevin Durant, hell, I'm all for it - and I'd still argue that the '96-'97 Celtics were the worse team. Sure, there were some serviceable NBA players on M.L. Carr's 15-67 disaster - Rick Fox, David Wesley, and a rookie named 'Toine, to name three - but they were counterbalanced by the likes of Steve Hamer, Nate Driggers and Brett Szabo. Those stiffs were fringe guys in the CBA, let alone the NBA. And for the record, I still say a roster that includes Al Jefferson, Rajon Rondo, Ryan Gomes, Delonte West and Gerald Green is pretty far from a lost cause, despite what the current standings say.

2. Feel free to tell me I'm as loony as that lovelorn, Depends-clad astronaut, but is it entirely out of the realm of possibility that the Sox will have some interest in Alex Rodriguez should he opt out of his Yankees contract after this season? They'll have an opening at third base since Mike Lowell will be a free agent (if he's not in Colorado by then), they could have an opening in the middle of the lineup since Manny will have one year left on his deal (if he's not back on Mars by then), and I can't help but remember how much the Sox fawned over A-Rod during the winter of '03. I realize much has happened since then - hell, his phony persona has made him immensely unpopular with both Red Sox and Yankees fans, which is quite a feat - but John Henry and the Sox were so gung-ho about making him the "face of the franchise" three years ago that I wonder if they might revisit making him a Red Sox if given the chance. (For the record, our take: Please, Mr. Henry, no.)

3. Wade Phillips? Really? This uninspiring, ex-Denver, ex-Buffalo retread is the best the high-profile Cowboys could do? What, was Bruce Coslet unavailable? Hmmm . . . something tells me Jerry Jones is more interesting in finding a yes-man than discovering the next great football coach.

4. Is it my disdain for all things Colts, or is Adam Vinatieri coming across as just a little too smug these days? Funny what a change in uniform will do to your perception.

5. Read between the lines on these two different perspectives on Paul Tagliabue's failure to be elected into the Pro Football Hall of Fame, and then tell me you wouldn't have loved to be a fly on the wall as CNNSI's Dr. Z sliced and diced CNNSI's Peter King's presentation.

Dr. Z's take on the scene:

Blood was flowing at the Hall of Fame enshrinement meeting Saturday morning. I don't want to go too deeply into this thing because there were heavy repercussions. The Paul Tagliabue discussion set a record of 58 minutes. Two speakers began matters by endorsing him. I was the first of the anti voices. One of my points was that under his stewardship, and without his intervention, the rights of the press were eroded almost beyond recognition. Later I was told that I was a bit over the top. Maybe so. He didn't, as you know, reach level two, composed of 11 candidates.

And ol' Starbucks 'N' Softball's take:

I'm one of 40 electors, and I was asked to present Paul Tagliabue's case for election. I failed miserably. We are prohibited from discussing publicly what was said in the room about the candidates, so I can't tell you exactly what I said or what Tagliabue's detractors said. What I can tell you is how intense a period his debate was. It lasted 57 minutes, the longest in my 15 years on the panel.

To paraphrase Phil Hartman's Sinatra, Dr. Z has chunks of Peter King his his stool. I knew there was a reason (besides this annual gem of a column) why I still liked the old coot.

6. After watching Rex Grossman's spot-on Spergon Wynn imitation in the Super Bowl, I was left with but one conclusion: Brian Griese and Kyle Orton must really suck.

7. The more I hear, the more I believe Adalius Thomas, a Willie McGinest clone, should - and will - be the Patriots' No. 1 target in the offseason, Asante Samuel included.

8. "Moonlighting" jumped the shark when David and Maddie hooked up. "Cheers" regressed from brilliant romantic comedy to a weekly half-hour string of one-liners after Shelley Long bolted. So I understand why "The Office" writers are reluctant to let Pam and Jim live happily ever after so early in the show's run. But man . . . does it have to be so hard to swallow? (That's what she said!) Seriously, tonight's episode, with the Dwight/Jim Pavlovian opening foreshadowing Michael's and Pam's learned behavior, was about as clever as television gets, but to see Jim's face as Pam and Roy left hand in hand was to see heartbreak epitomized. Enough's enough. It's time for Pam to step up and tell Jim how she feels. C'mon, get out there, Beesley. Give the people what they want.

9. The only reason to watch the Pro Bowl - and this isn't much of a reason, to be sure - is to see if Bill Belichick figures out some way to fashion a cutoff hoodie out of a Hawaiian shirt. I'm not betting against him.

10. As for today's Completely Random Baseball Card:



Glad to see Bronson Arroyo got the big bucks from the Reds today. He was one of the best bargains in baseball during his two-plus seasons with the Sox, and while I wasn't opposed to the trade that sent him to the Reds for Wily Mo Pena last spring, I wouldn't have blamed him for thinking the Sox shafted him by swapping him not long after he signed a below-market contract with the intent of staying in Boston long-term. Looks like it worked out for the best for Arroyo after all. As for the Sox? Given what starting pitchers are commanding these days, you have to wonder if Theo Epstein would like a do-over.

Wiener roast

Ten free minutes for me, 10 free Coney Island hot dogs for you . . .


1. The more I see of Kevin (37 and 23) Durant, the more I pray that M.L. Rivers and the Celtics keep Paul Pierce locked up in a broom closet until this season is safely tanked. Since few free agents consider Boston a worthwhile destination, the only chance to break free from this cycle of mediocrity is to hit it big in the lottery. and with Texas freshman Durant, a breathtaking amalgam of Kevin Garnett and Tracy McGrady, and game-changing Ohio State big man Greg Oden likely available this spring, now is the time to win by losing.

2. What's happened to Ted Johnson is beyond tragic, and judging by his doctor's ominous words, this story is only going to get worse. But even as I sympathize with a man whose life has been shattered by the culture of football, I can't help but think that more of his plight is self-inflicted than he's willing or able to admit. After all, Johnson is blaming Bill Belichick for altering his career and his life by forcing him to practice with a concussion in 2002 . . . yet earlier this year, Johnson expressed frustration that the Patriots didn't sign him after Junior Seau was lost for the season.
I suppose we have to chalk up such contradictory illogic to the sad fact that his brain has been rattled beyond repair.

3. Mike Ditka and a few other notable former players have been on a media crusade this week, demanding drastic improvements in the pension program and the medical and financial benefits for the NFL's alumni. It's certainly a worthy cause, for there are many more Ted Johnsons out there whose lives have been devastated by the aftereffects of their violent occupation. But it must be noted that there is a certain amount of ironic hypocrisy in all of this. Had the NFL Players' Union shown any kind of unity during the strikes of '82 and '87, the players who crossed those picket lines and didn't consider the future would be living better lives today.

4. Speaking of Seau, it kind of felt like he was the Special Guest Star to this Patriots season - it was fun to add such a famous face to the cast, but we knew, given his age and injury history, that his stay was probably only temporary. I bring this up because I kind of forgot about him after his injury . . . yet, in rehashing the Pats/Colts game in my mind over the last week, it kind of dawned on me that his presence might have made a huge difference in the second half of that game. Not only did he outplay Tedy Bruschi against the run earlier this season, but he was far and away the teams best linebacker in pass coverage, particularly against tight ends in the seam. I can't help but think that had he not Theismanned his arm all those weeks ago, we'd never have heard of Bryan Fletcher.

5. Words to mark: Todd Helton will be batting second and playing first base for the Boston Red Sox on opening day. Pay no mind to that jabbering Rockies owner - the fact that Colorado was willing to pick up half of the $90 million remaining on his deal tells you all you need to know about the ball club's desperation to get a deal done. Kudos to the Sox for refusing to part with Manny Delcarmen or Craig Hansen. They'll get this thing done in the spring, on their terms.

6. Curt Schilling's Sign Me Now Or Lose Me Later antics are remarkably similar to the routine Pedro Martinez pulled three springs ago. I'm glad both Shaughnessy and Seth Mnookin called the disingenuous windbag out on it.

7. It's a good thing the Bruins are completely irrelevant, or someone with some clout might start noticing that the Joe Thornton trade will go down as one of the absolute worst in Boston sports history. Maybe once Brad Stuart is traded for a sack of pucks and a couple of fourth-liners, those who applauded this trade will come forth and admit their idiocy.

8. For the first time as far as I can tell, ESPN allowed comments on a Bill Simmons column yesterday . . . and man, it didn't take long for it to quickly escalate into a highly entertaining, Deadspin-fueled evisceration of all things World Wide Leader. I'm thinking ESPN is probably going to go back to the drawing board here. At any rate, it made me appreciate the handful of regular commenters here, who by and large piss me off only when they make my point more eloquently than I do.

9. All right, Officephiles, answer me this: What in the name of Mose Schrute was Pam up to last night? Those lunchroom conversations with Jim and Karen were just plain weird, and even after (obsessive nerd alert!) checking out a couple of Office fan sites last night, I'm still not quite sure what was happening there. Was she trying to flirt with Jim (and failing miserably) with that whole REM thing, of which there certainly were suggestive undertones? Why was she so distracted while Karen was pigeonholing her, and why did it seem she was trying to act that way? Is she just frustrated and lonely and on the verge of a breakdown . . . or worse, getting back together with Roy? And if she's trying to send Jim signals that she digs him, well, why doesn't she just come out and say it? Answers, people. I need 'em now. Next Thursday is too far away.

10. As for today's Completely Random Baseball Card:


No relation to the horse.

A boy named Nancy

Ten free minutes for me, 10 free pea-brained ideas for you . . .

1. Just when I was talking myself into thinking J.D. Drew would be a good fit in the No. 5 slot for the Sox, Gordon Edes reveals that the injury-prone and indifferent Drew's nickname within the Dodgers clubhouse was "Nancy Drew." Good lord, and I thought calling him D.L. Drew was an insult. Suddenly, I'm thinking Trot Nixon on a one-year deal to platoon with Wily Mo isn't the worst idea. And Dave Dellucci wouldn't be a bad Plan D. At least they want to play.

2. Gary Matthews Jr. was a .249 hitter coming into this season. He's 32 years old. He's been claimed on waivers three times and outright released once. He was nearly traded straight-up for Tony Graffanino last spring. And he gets five years and $55 million from the Angels? How long until the buyer's remorse sets in? April? Then again, I'd rather have Matthews than Juan Pierre, who has no power, no arm, and makes more outs than just about any player in baseball. I'm not one to get worked up about contracts . . . but damn, some of these deals are just inexplicable.

3. The only chance the Bears have of beating the Patriots Sunday is if they can make Tom Brady play like his name is Rex Grossman. I can't see the Chicago offense making much headway (even if Willie Clay and Prentice McCray end up starting in the Pats' depleted defensive backfield), and I can see Brady, Laurence Maroney and the Pats solving Urlacher and his fearsome friends just enough to win. Prediction: Patriots 17, Ditka 9.

4. Okay, after that football interlude, I gotta go back to my rant about all of these ridiculous baseball contracts. If Alfonso Soriano is worth $138 million, and Carlos Lee gets a nice, even $100 mil, what would a 34-year-old Manny Ramirez get on the open market right now? One-twenty? One-fifty? Or would his age and spaciness work against him? I never for a moment thought Manny's 8-year, $160-million contract was an albatross for the Sox - I've certainly got my money's worth watching him through the seasons, and he never failed to produce - and now, with two years and $34 million remaining, it's a downright bargain.

5. Ken Walter? Really? That's the best they can do? Again? Was Brooks Barnard unavailable? OH, I suppose Josh Miller was struggling this season, and he's older than you think, but make no mistake, he'll be missed. He was the unsung hero of the Patriots' Super Bowl victory over the Eagles, and he's about the steadiest punter the Patriots had since Rich Camarillo called Foxboro home. Yeah, Miller's just the lonesome punter, but this a major loss.

6. Gotta love the New York tabloids, which were predictably outraged when the Twins' Justin Morneau edged the sweetest-smelling shortstop in all the land for the AL MVP award. George King, the dishonest and slimy Yankees beat writer for the NY Post, went so far as to suggest it was an anti-Yankee bias that cost Captain Intangibles his rightful honor. Funny, but I didn't hear anyone spouting such a theory when A-Rod beat out Papi for the award last year.

7. Brian Scalabrine has no business being inside an NBA arena without paying for a ticket. Why Doc Rivers continues to give him any minutes at the expense of Gerald Green, Leon Powe, Ryan Gomes, Terry Duerod, anyone, remains a damning indictment of Doc's abilities as an NBA coach and talent evaluator.

8. Tony Romo reminds me of Jake Plummer . . . except, you know, good. Forget what I said last week - you bet I'm buying the hype now, to the point that I'm daydreaming of a Pats-Cowboys Super Bowl and wondering how Belichick would defend Dallas.

9. Hard to believe his fumble against the Jets is the lone transgression that has Doug Gabriel buried deep in the Belichick doghouse. Among the new receivers, he seemed to adapt the quickest to the Patriots offense, and until two weeks ago I had more faith in him than I did Reche Caldwell or Jabar Gaffney. There's gotta be something we don't know.

10. As for today's Completely Random Baseball Card:


What's that you say? It was Pat Dobson? The ex-Oriole? Whoops, never mind then.

Notes mode

Ten free minutes for me, 10 free half-formed opinions for you:

1. Three scattered thoughts on the Pats: 1) I love the Jabar Gaffney signing. If he caught 55 balls last year playing with David Carr, he's more than qualified to be a third or fourth receiver for Tom Brady. 2) Stephen Gostkowski hasn't won my confidence when it comes to putting the ball through the uprights, but his booming kickoffs are justification enough for a secure place on the roster. He gives the Patriots a tremendous advantage in field position. 3) I'm glad to see Hank Poteat found work during the bye week, signing with the Jets. I trust he'll be released from Manginiville in time to rejoin the Pats next weekend at Buffalo.

2. The more I hear from Lou Piniella during his playoff stint in the Fox broadcast booth, the more I wish the Yankees had hired him to replace Torre. Piniella is everything the Yankees don't need at the moment - he's rash, temperamental, and judging by his broadcasting gig, shockingly ill-informed. Maybe Joe Torre isn't the greatest game strategist, and perhaps he hasn't a clue how to deal with A-Rod, but for the most part he's done a remarkable job of cajoling the Yankees' egos through the years, and his departure from New York would have been to the Red Sox' advantage. Rats.

3. I'm torn on whether or not I want the Yankees to deal A-Rod. On one hand, retaining The Cooler pretty much assures the Yankees of another tense summer, and further, I dread the thought of them getting, say, a budding ace such as Ervin Santana and a couple of quality prospects in return; hell, Santana straight up for A-Rod would make them a better team immediately. On the other hand, A-Rod's availability makes it more difficult for the Sox to deal Manny, and unless Theo can coerce Anaheim into giving up Santana (unlikely) or Texas into trading Mark Teixeira for the Sox's man-child, then I'm all for bringing Manny back for another drama-filled .310-35-120 season. His bat is worth the antics.

4. Billy Packer long ago claimed Rajon Rondo as his Binky/Mancrush - I'm pretty sure he talks in his sleep about the size of Rondo's hands - but if the Celtics' off-the-charts-electric rookie point guard can play as well when the games count as he has in the first two preseason games, a smitten Tommy Heinsohn might take over the wheel of the bandwagon. Heck, from what I've seen, he might quickly nudge aside Ryan Gomes as my favorite Celtic. While my expectations for this team hover around 40 wins, I'm looking forward to watching them play. I've always appreciated Paul Pierce's game, and Al Jefferson, Gerald Green, Sebastian Telfair, and Rondo will be entertaining despite their raw skills. Now if Heinsohn could just refrain from referring to Rondo in the same breath as Bob Cousy until he's played an actual game . . .

5. I'm not saying Stephen Jackson is the biggest numbskull in the NBA, but if you happened to mention to him that shooting a gun in the air isn't a good idea because, well, those bullets do fall back to earth, I'm pretty sure he'd look at you quizzically, call you a b----, and shoot his semiautomatic way up into the pretty sky again.

6. Judging by the taunts in my inbox, more than a few of you noticed that on my first-round playoff picks, I pulled an A-Rod - yep, I went an embarrassing 0 for 4. I feel like such a know-nothing boob that suddenly, Steve Lyons and Thom Brennaman are actually starting to sound insightful. So as a matter of repentance, I offer this: I think the Cardinals and A's (despite their 2-0 hole) will advance to the World Series, I suggest you bet the opposite, and once you're rolling in dough, we'll call it even, okay?

7. It's a good thing the White Sox let Frank Thomas go before cutting their sponsorship deal with 7-11, or . . . (and let me apologize for this in advance) . . . the Big Hurt might have been forced to change his name to the Big Gulp!!! (I know, I know. Groan. Sorry. I figured at least once I had to put a joke on here that my dad would laugh at.)

8. This probably does little to help my credibility, but as Alexis Gomez was circling the bases tonight, I was scrambling through the pages of the Baseball America Prospect Handbook, trying to figure out just who the hell he is. If the Tigers keep playing like this - and Jim Leyland keeps pushing all the right buttons in between drags on a Marlboro - I'm going to have to concede that all those fawning puff-piece articles on The Wisdom of Leyland might have been entirely justified.


9. The same words rattled around in all of our minds today as the story of Cory Lidle's fatal plane crash unfolded on our TV screens. Surreal. Tragic. Bizarre. Chilling. Yet in times like these, I never know how to string them together properly without sounding trite. So let me just say that my heart aches for his family, especially his 6-year-old boy, and I'll leave the rest to a writer who can comment with much more wisdom than I can.

10. As for today's baseball card:


For Yankees fans of a certain age, I'm sure the shock and sadness of today's events also brought some unwelcome flashbacks to Thurman Munson's death 27 years ago. As someone who still remembers Lyman Bostock's death more clearly than some milestone moments in my own life, all I can say is that I sympathize.

Questionable: Owens (hand, overdose)

Ten free minutes for me, 10 free sniveling whines for you . . .


1. So rather than being a desperate man's cry for help, it appears today's T.O. Suicide Watch was just one more melodramatic episode in the tragicomedy known as Terrell Owens's life. I trust there's more truth in his words than in the police report, especially since he was back at work and seemingly in good spirits yesterday. Still, I'm left with a couple of questions beyond the obvious one: What the hell was he thinking?: 1) During the day-long Very Special Sports Center, why wouldn't it have been appropriate if NFL expert and Friend of T.O. Michael Irvin was referred to as a "crack reporter"? 2) When T.O.'s inept publicist made reference to "a man of his statue," that was some sort of obtuse reference to Drew Bledsoe, right? 3) Do you think Bill Parcells ever thinks to himself, "Tuna, why can't The Player just grow the hell up and be responsible for himself? Man, how much easier would this job be if only Terrell could be more like Terry Glenn."

2. You know I've been counting down the innings until Jerry Trupiano is WAY BACK . . . WAY BACK . . . GONE!, but after 13 years with Red Sox, the man deserves better than finding out that his contract won't be renewed by the sludge-stirrers at the Inside Freakin' Track. And if Glenn Geffner is his replacement . . . well, let's just say I'm skeptical. With his P.R./House Organ background, I'm wondering if he'll spend more time pushing Red Sox Nation Membership cards then telling us what's happening on the field. I want Trupe gone . . . but it shouldn't be too much to ask to have him replaced by someone better.

3. I wonder if any of the teammates who were so heroic in questioning the severity of Matt Clement's injuries are the same ones who are ripping Manny under the cloak of anonymity. It's funny, whenever I see an unattributed quote from one teammate questioning another's toughness, I seem to recall Curt Schilling labeling Scott Williamson a ----- for not pitching through pain, only to look like a complete jackass when Williamson needed Tommy John surgery. You'd think they'd learn.


4. Things I never thought I'd write, Chapter 86, Vol. 1918: The Red Sox would have been better off signing Derek Lowe after the 2004 season than Pedro Martinez. D-Lowe has 16 wins, including a huge one last night that kept L.A. a game back in the NL West and a game up in the wild card. Lately, he's been an ace . . . something you haven't been able to say about Pedro for some time now. After last night's 2 2/3-inning, 7-run debacle, I'm beginning to fear the end is near for the best pitcher I've ever had the privilege of watching. That wasn't Pedro last night; that was John Burkett.

5. Do I think Tom Brady is injured? Let's put it this way: You're going to turn on the TV at 1:05 one of these Sundays only to be blindsided by the sight of Matt Cassel lining up over center. Brady looks frustrated, he has little zip and none of his customary touch on many of his throws, and the Pats are bringing in the likes of Vinny Testaverde and Tommy Maddox for clandestine workouts. You do the math.

6. Not that I'm jealous, but the Yankees batted future batting champion Robinson Cano ninth last night. He'd hit either third or fourth for the current skeleton-crew version of the Sox, depending upon Manny's health/whims that particular day. But the point is this: Theo has a long winter's worth of work to do if he intends on bringing down the Empire again anytime soon. The gap, since Oct. 2004, has widened, and not in the way we envisioned.

7. It's not officially football season in New England until Randall Gay is on injured reserve with what you were sure was a minor injury.

8. Alex Gonzalez wants a three-year deal? Thanks for all the Web Gems and good luck wherever the road may lead you, slick, but for that kind of commitment we're looking for a shortstop who can make all the plays and avoid those gruesome six-week stretches of being an automatic out. Whatever happened to that Cabrera cat, anyway?

9. It's no exaggeration to suggest that Albert Pujols saved the Cardinals' season last night. Which I suppose means Tony La Russa will cling for one more year to his fraudulent genius label rather than be remembered as the modern day Gene Mauch, overseer of one of the biggest gag jobs in baseball history. Bummer. Maybe Tony Big Brain will get his comeuppance next year.

10. As for today's Completely Random Baseball Card:


The Red Sox led the league in runs scored for the first three seasons of Papa Jack's reign, and now his job is supposedly in jeopardy after one hiccup of a lost season? I don't like it, and I don't think Papi will either. Can you say scapegoat?

Take 10

Ten free minutes for me, 10 free half-formed thoughts for you . . .


1. I'm not a skilled enough writer to approach such topics without sounding trite and melodramatic, so I'll keep it brief: David Ortiz is the best thing ever to happen to the Boston Red Sox, and I cannot articulate the sadness I would feel if his heart scare turns out to be something more serious than the exhausting effects of carrying this baseball team all summer. Be well, Papi.

2. Deion Branch needs the Patriots if he's ever going to cash in on the payday he desires. And despite what the Smerlases of the world might tell you, the Patriots need Deion Branch. Which is why they'll get this thing worked out before the season's opening kickoff.

3. You know a player created a lasting legacy when he spends nearly three times as many years with the Jets as he does the Patriots, and New England fans still admire him unconditionally anyway. If this is the end, thanks for those three wonderful seasons, Curtis Martin, and we'll see you in Canton. You left long ago, but you'll always be one of New England's own.

4. Carl Pavano could drive his Porsche off the Brooklyn Bridge, make a public proclamation that Derek Jeter smells way better than Alyssa Milano ever did, and sever his right arm off with a hacksaw just for the sport of it, and I'd still wonder if the Yankees might consider taking Matt Clement for him in straight-up swap of overpaid enigmas.

5. And in a related note, players I hope will turn in their Red Sox gear for good come the conclusion of Game 162: Clement, Mark Loretta, Javy Lopez, Doug Mirabelli, Coco Crisp, Javy Lopez, Mike Lowell, Julian Tavarez, Javy Lopez, Jermaine Van Buren, Gabe Kapler, Javy Lopez, Javy Lopez, Javy Lopez, and Javier Lopez. (Temporarily spared for sentimental reasons: Keith Foulke, Mike Timlin, and Trot Nixon.)

6. Back in his New England days a decade ago, do you think Bill Parcells ever thought there'd come a time when Terry Glenn was the more professional, mature and mentally stable of his starting receivers? She's come a long way, baby.

7. Seems to me there are few things more aggravating to a Boston sports fan than a smug, ill-informed contrarian with a pulpit. (And somewhere, Gary Tanguay is disagreeing with me just for the hell of it.)

8. The Bruins rarely get much more than a passing mention in this space, but between the rave reviews of new boss Peter Chiarelli's roster-building skills and the cool news that longtime Friend of TATB Fluto Shinzawa is now the pointman on the beat for the Globe, I haven't looked this forward to the dropping of the puck since Neely was in his prime.

9. Seems to me the same people who were breathlessly comparing Al Jefferson to Elton Brand just a year ago are now the same fickle folks pushing the Celtics to include him in any reasonable deal for a veteran. Give him time, people - sophomore struggles and aching ankle aside, he's still only 21.

10. As for today's Completely Random Baseball Card:


There is absolutely no way the Sox should permit Jonathan Papelbon to pitch for the MLB All-Star team that will tour Japan after the season. I may be mistaken, but the last Sox closer to go on this trip was Tom Gordon in '98. You might recall he tweaked his elbow during the tour, and was a lost cause in '99. The Sox should write Papelbon a check for $100,000 - the coin he'd make for participating, and admittedly, the reason he wants to go - and tell him to get some R-and-R. After this grind of a rookie season - it must be grueling, being a one-man bullpen - it's the best thing for him and the ball club.