And don't forget George Foster

Back by, well, almost no demand, it's Random Lists of Five . . .

Five alleged contenders that won't win the NBA title this season:
1. Dallas. Kidd has slipped, especially defensively. They'll regret giving up Devin Harris for him in the long run.
2. Phoenix. I hope the Shaq gamble works, and he looks like he's in decent shape, but I just don't believe he can make a difference as a rebounder and defender after so many years of indifference.
3. San Antonio. They remind me of the Patriots team that lost to Indy a year ago. Still smart and proud, but just not quick enough anymore.
4. Cleveland. Though I do not want the Celtics to have to face Team LeBron.
5. Detroit. The Flip Saunders factor.

Five name players I wouldn't touch In fantasy baseball this season with Bea Arthur's ----:
1. Albert Pujols. Tough to hit with one decent elbow. Anyone who takes him in the first round will have a season's worth of regret.
2. Andy Pettitte. If his elbow acts up again, it's fair to assume the elixir this time won't be HGH.
3. Derek Jeter. He'll be 34 in June. Our long national nightmare is almost over.
4. Scott Rolen. He's as physically cooked as Trot Nixon.
5. Miguel Tejada. Think the dolts in the Astros' front office have heard about the Mitchell Report yet?

Five recent players you forgot played for the Celtics:
1. Jamel Thomas. Sebastin Telfair's half-brother, played three games for the '99-'00 squad.
2. Bruno Sundov. A poor man's Stojko Vrankovic.
3. Bryant Stith. A smaller version of Ryan Gomes, I always liked him, though the end was near by the time he arrived in Boston.
4. Chris Carr.
5. Ruben Wolkowyski. Yeah, I have no recollection, either.

Five receivers who caught a pass for the Super Bowl XXXVI champs (and we don't mean the Rams, William Gary, whoever the hell you are):
1. Charles Johnson
2. Fast Freddie Coleman, scourge of the Jets.
3. Torrance Small
4. Bert Emanuel
5. Curtis Jackson. (Not to be confused with him.)

Five primary personnel needs for the Patriots this offseason:
1. One or two young inside linebackers. I suppose 34-year-old Zach Thomas qualifies by current standards
2. One or two cornerbacks, minimum, depending upon whether they resign Asante Samuel or Randall Gay. Count me in for a Ty Law sequel.
3. A quality backup QB, just in case the unthinkable happens. They've pushed their luck with Matt Cassel long enough.
4. Defensive speed, anywhere. Perhaps another young safety to go with Stonehands Meriweather.
5. Some kicking competition for Gostkowski. Belichick seems to have lost faith in him.

Five 1985 New York Mets:
1. Billy Beane
2. Calvin Schiraldi
3. Clint Hurdle
4. Joe Sambito
5. Larry Bowa

Last five songs to pop up on the iPod as I write this:
1. Elevation, U2. Nothing wrong there.
2. Sick of Myself, Matthew Sweet. Underrated '90s alt rocker.
3. Come Monday, Jimmy Buffett. Even those who loathe Parrotheads have to respect this song, Buffett's first hit.
4. Mama Said Knock You Out, L.L. Cool J. And to think I snickered at Simmons for his ridiculous Mt. Rapmore earlier this week. Of course, the Choate Sports Guy pontificating on hip-hop makes about as much sense as Tupac returning from the dead to tell us about his favorite elitist New England prep schools.
5. High Enough, Damn Yankees. Well, almost made it through without humiliating myself.

Five baseball players I wish I'd seen play:
1a. Jackie Robinson
1b. Roberto Clemente
3. Ted Williams
4. Satchel Paige
5. Lyman Bostock

And five for football:
1. Gale Sayers. The NFL Films footage of his best kick returns is mesmerizing.
2. Jim Brown. I'm not sure if his friendship with Belichick is a good thing or a bad thing in terms of the coach's image.
3. Dick Butkus. Rumor is the Pats are bringing him in for a look-see early next week.
4. Lance Alworth. Can you imagine any football player tolerating a nickname like Bambi today?
5. Darryl Stingley. His tragic injury happened in the preseason the year I became a fan.

Five hottest women on television according to a semi-neutered, couch-bound, 38-year-old father of two: (Subtitle: Yep, another weak excuse to run a picture of the Official Muse of TATB, Non-Wife Division):
1. Sweet Jenna. I miss The Office almost as much as I wish Peter King would stop mentioning The Office.
2. Connie Britton, Tammy on "Friday Night Lights," the best show on television no one's watching.
3. The babe in the Mercury commercials.
4. Tyra on "Friday Night Lights" (Though the consensus seems to be that the brunette is hotter.)
5. Cheryl Ladd. I'm talking "Charlie's Angels" reruns, not the insipid "Las Vegas," though she still looks great.

Five sports media-types I hope get hit with a meteor:
1. Merril Hoge. A moron's moron.
2. Peter King-Favre. Keeps saying we need to know the truth about SpyGate, but won't get off his creme horn-filled --- to search it out himself.
3. Gregg Easterbrook. Despises the Pats with an odd irrationality. Doesn't even try to hide it anymore.
4. The WEEI morning show. A 3-for-1 deal. And send a few extra asteroids Meterparel's way.
5. Merril Hoge again, just in case the first meteor gave him only a concussion.

26 reasons I strongly dislike the Yankees

(Because hate is so 2003)


1. Georgie Porgie. How else would we start this list? He's the ultimate rich-man bully, a first-ballot inductee to the Blowhard Hall of Fame, and the reason the Yankees are synonymous with "Evil Empire." The turtleneck-and-blazer look kicked serious sartorial butt, however.

2. Derek Jeter's casual awareness of the camera, especially his "signature" fist pump. I'm not saying I hope he drowns in a vat of Driven, but I might do a celebratory fist-pump myself if he did.

3. Derek Jeter's uncanny knack for hitting back-breaking flare singles to right when a game is on the line . . . or, hell, his uncanny knack for crushing go-ahead three-run homers off fat 84 m.p.h. splitters from Curt Schilling. Did anyone not see that coming? (Other than Tito, that is.) Jeter, who has been a glorified singles hitter for much of the second half as he's battled various injuries, has hit six of his 11 homers this season against the Sox. Does Theo even employ advance scouts?

4. Clemens. Like you have to ask.

5. Reggie Jackson, the '70s prototype for today's preening, self-involved athletes.

6. Curtain calls for run-of-the-mill home runs. Are Yankees fans really that desperate for affirmation? Yes, I'm sure Andy Phillips heard you cheering for him. Yes, I saw him look you in the eye when he tipped his hat. Yes, I'm sure he'd be your friend if you ever met. Now, please, wipe that nacho cheese off your mustache, hike up your pants so the family of four in the row behind you doesn't have to eyeball your plumber's crack for nine innings, and sit the bleep down. Thank you. (Scary thing is, we had female Yankees fans in mind there.)

7. Brian Cashman, for screwing up a good thing for the Red Sox by realizing the Yankees' resources would be better utilized by building a farm system and paying for elite amateur talent than by signing the biggest-name free agent every winter.

8. Joe Torre, serial nose-picker.

9. A-Rod's redemption. Quick, someone show him his career postseason numbers before he starts believing he can do this in the playoffs, too.

10. Don Zimmer, the cherubic, Pedro-chargin', steel-skulled baseball lifer who contributed to several Yankee pennants, most notably 1978.

11. Jason Giambi, who continues his desperate quest for a PED that can prevent him from sweating like he's being held hostage in a sauna.

12. Wade Boggs, 1996 World Series. The only time in my life I've seen a jackass riding a horse.

13. "BER-NIE WILL-IAMS CLAP CLAP CLAP-CLAP-CLAP!!!" (Dumb tradition. I will, however, concede that Yankees fans are excellent clappers. They are also quite adept at jumping jacks, rubbing their bellies while patting their heads at the same time, engulfing KFC Famous Chicken 'N' Biscuit Bowls with a spork, and drooling.)

14. Shelley "Red Sox Suck" Duncan. C'mon, what kind of name is Shelley for a dude? (I was going to make a Shelley Winters joke here but thought better of it because 1) my target demographic doesn't know her from Angela Lansbury and 2) she was actually hot in the days before electricity. So consider yourself spared.)

15. Duncan, Shane Spencer, and every other Quadruple A grunt who sold his soul for a sliver of late-summer adulation in the Bronx.

16. Johnny Damon, if only because he looks washed up against every team but the one for which he made his name.

17. Karim Garcia, a thug who looked like he could be the shorter, fatter, talentless Giambi brother. (Whoops, that was Jeremy, wasn't it?)

18. Suzyn Waldman. Did you know that the shrill shill who New York Daily News columnist Bob Raissman refers to as Georgie Girl and Ma Pinstripe was born in Newton, Mass? No wonder she got so verklempt seeing Rogah in George's box. She's a traitor, too.

19. Michael Kay, the epitome of every pompous New Yorker who basks in the Yankees' reflected glory.

20. "IT IS HIGH! . . . IT IS FAR! . . . IT IS GONE!! . . . Another A-BOMB for A-ROD!" Yup, I'm pretty sure John Sterling is actually made of cheese.

21. Graig Nettles, for cheap-shotting the Spaceman and being a world-class phony to boot.

22. Mel Hall, expelled TATB Hall of Famer.

23. Bucky . . .

24 . . . and Boone. Bite me.

25. The fact that the only way the Sox can finish the damned pinstriped vampires off is if they've first spotted them a 3-0 lead in the American League Championship Series. Seriously, it's the Red Sox inability to drive a stake through the Yankees' black hearts when they had the chance that is the reason New York will be playing meaningful games into October.

26. The sense of entitlement the Bleacher Buttafuocos get from rooting for a franchise that has won this number of championships. Man, let's just hope I don't have to increase this list by one next year.

As for today's Completely Random Baseball Card:


How I miss the days when the Yankees pinned their hopes on the likes of Bam Bam Meulens.

New York groove

Playing nine innings while waiting for J.D. Drew to take the damn bat off his shoulder . . .

1. I've been reluctant to declare American League East race ovah, for two reasons: First, there is a tendency among certain media members to race to become the first to pronounce the Yankees dead . . . and then, when they inevitably crawl out of the crypt, history is somehow revised and spun so that it was really the numbskull fans who were the ones claiming matters were settled when there were 60 games remaining. The habit is as transparent as it is annoying, and I don't want to be one to fall into that trap. Besides, while it would be a nice little milestone to win the AL East for the first time since '95, we all know that all that really matters is getting to the postseason. So I'm waiting to see the cold corpse of the Yankees' playoff hopes before I deliver any gleeful eulogies. As for the second reason, well, basically it's this: I have been, to quote Arthur Fonzarelli, wr-wr-wr-wr-wrong about so much this year - from my skepticism of jockey-like Dustin Pedroia's ability to hit major league pitching to the certainty of a Mike Lowell annual second-half collapse to my willingness to be talked into believing Drew was a shrewd signing - that I'm hesitant to look into my crystal ball knowing that another off-the-mark proclamation will make me look as clueless as a WEEI fill-in host.

2. I think Dice K will eventually prove to be worth every last yen the Red Sox paid for him; once he becomes fully acclimated to major league baseball and the lifestyle, he'll be a damn fine No. 2 starter at the worst, and becoming one of the elite pitchers in the game is certainly an attainable goal. But right now . . . well, he's good, very good on occasion, but he's also just so frustrating, particularly on nights like tonight. His command isn't what we were told it was - he serves up way too many flat, fat breaking balls - and I can't help but wish he had an extra two or three miles per hour on his fastball. As for those 15 runs he's allowed in 19.1 innings against the Yankees this season? Not acceptable for any pitcher, let alone one of his accomplishment and skill.

3. Dr. Charles surely would revoke my Red Sox Nation membership card for saying this (presuming I were sucker enough to fall for such a transparent, insulting money grab), but Yankee phenom Joba Chamberlain's stuff is so electric and his back story so compelling, I have to admit I genuinely enjoy watching the kid pitch. And yes, I say that with the knowledge that, good health permitting, he'll be tormenting the Sox for the next decade or so. Hey, every now and then the baseball fan wins out over the Red Sox fan.

4. Four of Derek Jeter's nine home runs this season have come against the Red Sox, a stat that probably manages to be both impressive and puzzling if you're a Yankees fan. (Then again, if you're a Yankees fan, most things are puzzling, particularly the concept of good hygiene. Sorry. Too easy.) In all seriousness, it's impressive that Jeter manages his best performances against the Yankees' main rival, but it has to be puzzling that Captain Calm-Eyes has been fist-pumpin' his way to a .258 batting average and a .619 OPS in 99 at-bats this month. Maybe I'm just taking a small sample size out of context, and maybe last night's homer was a sign that he was on the verge of a playoff-push hot streak, but right now I have the same suspicion about him that I've had about David Ortiz for much of the season. He's playing through more than a few bumps and bruises, and we'll find out just how seriously he is injured only when the season ends.

5. Cracks me up how Roger Clemens's mediocre performance has relegated his apologists to mythologizing his impact as a "mentor" to the Yankees' young pitchers. Uh-uh, that's exactly why he's being paid a pro-rated $28 million - to carry a few clipboards for Ron Guidry. I hope the Sox light him up so badly that today's lesson for Joba and other impressionable young Yankee minds includes this annual staple of the Rocket syllabus: How To Limp Off the Mound With a Groin "Tweak" While Trailing 8-0 in the Second Inning 101. Man, I do enjoy that class.

6. Quick Patriots aside: I'm a transactions junkie as it is, but NFL cutdown day is going to be extra fascinating this season because of the Patriots' ridiculous depth. I thought coming into camp that Reche Caldwell was a longshot to stick, and he's done nothing in camp to change my mind, though it might not be the worst idea to keep a receiver who has some chemistry with Tom Brady until the new guys get acclimated. (I'd be curious to see how huge Caldwell's eyes get when the Turk tells him coach wants to see him and to bring his playbook.) Defensively, veterans who seem to be on the bubble include Chad Brown (why was he brought back in the first place?), Tory James and/or Dante Wesley, and for some reason I wonder if Junior Seau and Eric Alexander are as secure as they seem.

7. I liked Johnny Damon a whole hell of a lot better two weeks ago when he was washed up. The Yankees will undoubtedly try to dump him and the two years remaining on his contract in the offseason, and given the mileage on his legs and the emergence of Melky Cabrera, that's probably prudent. But he's suddenly hitting again, even as Joe Torre's reluctant 10th man, and I'm pretty sure he could be clomping around on a peg leg out there and he'd still find a way to torment the Sox.

8. I'm not saying Kevin Cash (.172 lifetime average) should be Doug Mirabelli's successor, but he sure has done a fine job proving that Mirabelli isn't the only living organism in the milky way capable of catching Tim Wakefield successfully, and for that I will remember him fondly.

9. As for today's Completely Random Baseball Card:


I love the Lee Elia "playground-for-the-expletives" meltdown . . . and Earl Weaver's social tips for Alice Sweet . . . and in the non-sports division, Kasey Kasem's profanity-laced rant remains a No. 1 hit . . . but for my pure listening pleasure, this bleep-faced appearance by the Red Baron on a Padres telecast last season is the greatest piece of audio since the invention of ears. At certain points, he sounds so much like Wooderson that I half expect him to say, "Get busy livin' or get busy dyin', man." But the best part? Play-by-play guy Matt Vasgergian's bewildered "Clooney?" It gets funnier every time I hear it.

Marked man

Playing nine innings while wondering what Papi and his torn meniscus were doing playing in the All-Star game . . .


1. I know it's probably cold and heartless of me given all that he has overcome, but if the Texas Rangers are willing to take Jon Lester as the centerpiece in a trade for Mark Teixeira, I hope Theo says, "You've got yourself a deal, Daniels," without even a single sentimental second thought. Teixeira is exactly the hitter the Sox need, and it would free them up to trade Mike Lowell (c'mon, you really expect him to hit in the second half like he did in the first?) for some depth. I'm not sweating the Sox' ongoing lethargy - the Yankees are too flawed to take advantage, and besides, the Sox went through the same thing in '04 and that turned out okay - but the more I see this lineup get shut down by the likes of Jesse Litsch and Ryan Feierabend, the more one-run games I see them lose, the more certain I become that they need another Grade A bat in the heart of the lineup. Yeah, there are signs that Manny and Papi are about to bust out of their power drought, but isn't it still alarming that they had a combined 30 (thirty!) fewer homers at the break this year than they did a season ago? Teixeira, who already has put up seasons of 38, 43, and 33 homers at age 27, would ease their burden tremendously, and that he's a switch-hitter only enhances his appeal. And as arrogant though it may sound, I'm convinced that once Teixeira, an East Coast kid who recently ripped the Rangers for their lack of commitment to winning, got to experience playing at Fenway, he'd do everything in his power to stay after his contract expires in '08. Yes, Lester is a talent, no doubt, and we'll never question his spirit or his mental toughness after all he's endured. But I still wonder about his command issues, and while 'EEI callers seem to fail to grasp this concept, to get something you usually need to give something up. For Mark Teixeira, giving up Lester would be worth it.

2. The Mike Timlin rejuvenation is one of the more pleasant (and downright shocking) developments of the season, and it couldn't come at a better time considering that the next time we read Brendan Donnelly's name in the newspaper I suspect it may be accompanied by a reference to a visit with Dr. James Andrews.

3. Had to chuckle when Cable-Access Geffner, while talking with Dave O'Brien about the Police's upcoming visit to Fenway during today's radio broadcast, put on his public relations hat and dutifully rattled off the list of all the great acts who have played there in recent years . . . but one rather notable omission. Mick who? Never heard of him, Dr. Steinberg. Then again, Geffner admitted he wasn't much of a fan of Sting and the boys back in their stellar '80s heyday, which I suppose really shouldn't come as a surprise. I'm pretty sure that's when Geffner was going through his "Like a Virgin" phase.

4. Wily Mo Pena is by all accounts a good-natured, hardworking kid, and there's no denying he has the raw physical talent to hit 35+ home runs in a major league season someday. But even to those of us who thought dealing Bronson Arroyo for him was a shrewd move must admit the truth right now: It would be better for him and the ball club if he moved on. He needs to play every day for a ball club like Kansas City or Pittsburgh (Xavier Nady for Wily Mo? Yes, please) where he can get the 500 at-bats he needs to hone his skills, particularly when it comes to pitch recognition. I like him, and I root for him to make it big, but it's just not going to happen for him here.

5. When - not if, when - A-Rod opts out of his contract with the Yankees and leaves his private New York hell behind after this professionally redemptive season, what he should do is sign with the Angels, who are a perfect match: They have a desperate need for a hitter of his talents, and they happen to play in a city and a ballpark that are as inauthentic as the player himself. But I've said it before and I'll say it again: Four seasons after they first courted him, I think there is a very real chance he ends up with the Red Sox. It would be doable financially (Lowell, Clement, Eric Hinske and Curt Schilling are coming off the books), it would work roster-wise (Lowell is a free agent), it would work from both sides' presumed desire to stick it to New York (c'mon, you don't think he hungers to beat Jeter?), and most of all, it works just like it did in the winter of '03-'04, when he was willing to take a pay cut to come here and Larry Lucchino and Dr. Charles were practically giggling like schoolgirls while plotting how they'd market him as the face of the franchise to all the loyal sucke . . . er, residents of Red Sox Nation. I'm not saying I want this to happen (though if we can root for Randy Moss, accepting A-Rod as one of our own probably won't break the Hypocrisy Meter), and I'm not saying it will happen . . . but I think I would be more surprised if the Sox don't try to make this happen than if they do.

6. In case you missed it - and I'm really hoping you did - Jeter won the ESPY for the Best Baseball Player. So to answer the longstanding question, yes, there is an award more meaningless and arbitrary than the Gold Glove.

7. I tend to think Jason Varitek gets too much credit for certain immeasurable things, such as his game-calling. There are a lot of pitchers who have faltered on his watch while later thriving elsewhere, and I'm with Remy; Why was Papelbon messing around with a cutter with the game on the line against Detroit last week? Going back further, why would anyone ever call for a low-and-away fastball to A-Rod? (I know, I know, let it go). But there is simply no exaggerating his value to the Red Sox right now, not only because of his somewhat surprising bounce-back season at the plate at age 35, but mostly because the dropoff from Tek to Dougie Chicken Parm is like going from Jessica Biel to Jessica Tandy. It's so unappealing that you don't even want to think about it.

8. I wrote about this in my Sox GameDay column a few days ago, but I'll regurgitate it here in case you didn't see it. I'm convinced Clay Buchholz will be pitching for the Red Sox after four or five starts at Pawtucket, provided things go as well in Triple A as his talent suggests they will. He's on the same path Papelbon was on in '05: half a season at Portland, a handful of starts at Pawtucket, and then a promotion to the big leagues as a live arm to help the playoff push. You might recall that by the end of the '05 postseason, Papelbon was the Sox' most effective pitcher. I doubt that will be the case with Buchholz, simply because the Sox staff is so much deeper and more talented than it was in '05 (see: Matt Clement, Game 1 starter, ALDS), but he will be a factor, whether it's in the rotation or as one more power arm out of the 'pen.

9. As for today's Completely Random 8x10 Photo*:


Fourteen years after Dan Duquette insisted Stairs could hit big-league pitching if someone just looked past the bowling-pin physique and gave him a chance, the 39-year-old Bangor, Maine resident is still proving him right.

* - Because we couldn't find a card of him in a Sox uni.

P.S. - For those of you who aren't tired of reading my nonsense after this disaster, here's my lastest Fox column, if you missed it. Man, I'm awesome at this self-promotion stuff, aren't I?

Of course, Chris House is glad he's in Detroit

A few quick items while trying not to wonder what exactly "intestinal turmoil" entails . . .



I know I wasn't the only one playing the What-If game while watching Gary Sheffield pummel Red Sox pitching the last few days. Sheffield, as I'm sure you recall, last season expressed a desire to play for the Red Sox, which likely was a huge factor in Yankees GM Brian Cashman's decision to pick up Sheffield's option and trade him to Detroit rather than allowing him to defect to the the enemy. You have to wonder if Sheffield would be playing right field and batting fifth for the Sox right now (rather than J.D. Drew, whose ineptitude is even ticking off mild-mannered Joe Castiglione these days) if only he'd kept his mouth shut about his intentions. Perhaps it's because he has such a disdain for the Yankees now, or perhaps it's his fondness for Boston (something Michael Wilbon should take note of), but I kind of get a kick out of Sheffield these days, and I'd love to see him on the Sox. He's my kind of crazy.

I'm not worried about Manny yet. Slightly concerned in a Jim Rice-circa-'88 sort of way, but not worried. Nope, not yet.

Man, it drives me nuts when the Sox can't touch Todd Jones. His ERA just recently fell below 6.00, his K/BB ratio of just about 1 to 1 is atrocious for any pitcher, especially a closer, and he's got the same repertoire of slop that he had when he spent the summer of '03 getting lit up for the Sox.

Not only was I wrong about Dustin Pedroia, but I have to admit he's becoming one of my favorites. Tony Mazz hit it right on the sweet spot in the Herald this morning: Pedroia is Tanner Boyle from the Bad News Bears. In case you forgot, he's the shrimpy blond kid who yells at the Yankees (of course) after they beat the Bears in the championship, "Hey Yankees, you can take your apology and your trophy and shove it straight up your (three-letter synonym for Steinbrenner)." I can see Pedroia doing the same, can't you?

Jeff Bailey, meet Andy Dominique. Andy Dominique, Jeff Bailey.

Been meaning to say this for a while, but John Rish does a fine job on the Red Sox radio postgame show. He knows his stuff, is uncommonly reasonable, and best of all, has a low tolerance for the Budweiser-soaked morons who make up 80 percent of Mike Adams's callers. WEEI could use a few more like him.


Yes, I admit I had more fun writing this week's FOX column than usual, something that the talented guys at Yanksfan vs. Soxfan seem to have figured out. I actually thought the column would generate more of a reaction than it did from the Bleacher Buttafuoco types, but I guess they probably need someone to read it to them in order to get upset.

As for today's Completely Random Baseball Card:


This is the player I expect Jacoby Ellsbury to become.

Hoping to be back tonight with a look at where the Sox stand and where they may be heading, including my suspicion that they may pull off a trade no one sees coming, so be sure to check back in . . .

TATB Live: Sox vs. '62 Mets

The rain has stopped after a half-hour delay, the Sox have taken the field, A-Rod has finally arrived after a delightful afternoon with a worn-out peroxide case at the Foxy Lady . . . and I've got the laptop, the clicker, and am fully prepared to be glued to the couch for the next three hours. So let's play ball already. But before we get this thing going, a few quick thoughts:

• The Sox's lead over the Yankees in the American League East is 13.5 entering tonight. Come Sunday night, here's hoping it's at 16.5 and Joe Torre wakes up Monday morning to learn that the classy New York tabloids are demanding Georgie Porgie roll some heads. Sox fans have been waiting a lot of years to spend a nice summer without concerning ourselves with the Yankees. Don't waste the opportunity now - win tonight, win tomorrow, blow 'em out Sunday, and stick a fork in 'em for the rest of the year. Who needs the drama besides the 'EEI banshees?

• I always think of Tim Wakefield as something of a Yankee killer, perhaps because of his efforts in the 2003 and '04 postseasons (Aaron Boone excepted), but he has a 7.84 ERA against the Bombers this season and has won something like one of his last eight starts against them. My point: Now would be a real good time to start living up to his reputation.

• I'm beginning to realize that Derek Jeter's barely concealed disdain for A-Rod actually reflects pretty well on the captain. Who knew that judging a person's character was an intangible?

All right, to the ol' ballyard . . .

FIRST INNING
. . . and while we're still writing pecking out our lame intro, the Yankees go 1-2-3, with Mike Lowell throwing out Captain Jetes on play right out of the Brooks Robinson Gold Glove Handbook. Not a bad start for Knucksie.

Here's one of those wasted early opportunities that sometimes come back to haunt you. The Sox load the bases with two outs on a walk by Papi, a single by Manny, and another walk to the rotting corpse of J.D. Drew, but Lowell grounds to One-Step Range Jeter to get Chien-Ming Wang off the hook. Seems to me he's one of those guys who tends to settle down if you don't get to him early, so this might be one we're lamenting later.

SECOND INNING
Tom Werner is seated alongside Christie Brinkley. If they're actually a couple, then that's a major upgrade from Katie Couric. In baseball terms, that's like trading Milt Pappas for Frank Robinson.

A-Rod's leading off the inning. Surprisingly, he does not come to the plate to the strains of Motley Crue's "Girls, Girls, Girls." He works a walk. By the way, would it be cruel to suggest that Mrs. A-Rod is a first-team member of the Butterface All-Stars? ("Yeah, dude, her body's hot, but her face . . .") It would be? Okay, then let's just say A-Rod always does what he can to ensure he's the prettiest one in the room.

Wakefield is threatening to turn this one into a blowout early, and not the way we'd hoped. After A-Rod's walk, he whiffs Jorge Posada, but Robinson Cano, one of the main culprits in the Yankees' offensive underachievement, cranks one into the rightfield seats to make it 2-0, Yankees. Bobby Abreu (the Yankees' version of J.D. Drew) then doinks one off the wall, and Wakefield walks the next three hitters (including Benedict Damon with the bases loaded), to make it 3-0, Last-Place Team. Fortunately, Jeter hits into a 6-4-3 double-play on the first pitch he sees to limit the damage. Intangibles!

Dustin Pedroia pokes a double to right, putting runners at second and third with one out, and I have to admit the little feller is winning me over. I still wonder how he gets away with swinging like a righthanded-hitting Reggie Jackson up there, but what's going on with him right now seems to follow the pattern of his entire career dating back to college: he struggles at first in adjusting to each new level, but eventually he gets comfortable and becomes a very productive hitter.

After Julio Lugo plates Coco Crisp with an RBI groundout to cut the lead to 3-1, Kevin Youkilis works a walk after taking a ball three that everyone in the ballpark the home plate umpire thought was a strike. That's the kind of respect you get when you're hitting .354 and have a 22-game hitting streak. Papi, who has jokingly referred to himself as Ichiro during his recent power outage (16 games without a homer), Suzukis one to left to score Pedroia. Then Manny follows with one of his patented yup-he's-locked-in ropes to right to load the bases, pulling his incredulous how-did-you-not-score? comedy routine when he sees Youkilis still standing at third. Unfortunately, Manny is probably right in wondering why DeMarlo Hale didn't take a chance, considering that Drew is up next, and Drew pops to third to kill the rally, just as you, me, and Manny expected he would do.


THIRD INNING
One out, and here's A-Rod again. Got an email from a reader this morning suggesting Dr. Charles and the Red Sox production team should play the snippet of the seagulls from "Finding Nemo" chirping "Mine! Mine! Mine!" on the scoreboard every time he prances to the plate. I suppose I'm not doing it justice if you haven't seen the movie, but hey, I thought it was a clever idea. However, the Sox fans in the third base boxes apparently had their own creative ways of taunting A-Rod tonight - there are a lot of dudes wearing masks with a blonde woman's face. Whatever it takes, I guess. Of course, the best way to get to him is to make him look like a fool on the field, and Manny does just that, playing A-Rod's wall ball perfectly and making his trademark, oddly effective quick-release throw to nail him by five feet at second. It must have been a long walk back to the dugout, though at least he got to check out what he must have thought were some hottie blondes on the way. Anyway, it's an easy inning for Wakefield.

Doug Mirabelli is now a sizzling 2-for-his-last-23 after singling to left past A-Rod (still checking out the masked blondes) and Jeter (still shooting hate lasers at A-Rod). Crisp, who reached on a fielder's choice and swiped second, holds up at third, and the Sox have something brewing.

Pedroia, a gritty, gutty little gamer whom you'll recall I've championed all along, doubles to left, and it's 3-3. Also, Hideki Matsui plays left field like he's blindfolded. Just thought I should mention that.

Don Orsillo, my favorite vinyl-covered automaton, mentions a stat that everyone's been repeating the past few days . . . and damned if its not one that's worth repeating again. When Roger Clemens gave Suzyn Waldman the most pleasure she's had in years by - goodness gracious! - showing up in Steinbrenner's box, the Yankees were 5.5 games back of the Sox. Four weeks later, they're 13.5 back, which means they've lost two games per week in the standings since the Rocket's announcement. Man, I do love that stat.

FOURTH INNING
So I abandon my post here at the keyboard for a minute to help Mrs. TATB put the kids to bed, and I come back just in time to see the Yankees, with the bases loaded already, take a 4-3 lead on a wild pitch. Time to get Wakefield out of there, and don't let me ever mistake him for a Yankee killer again.

Wakefield's still in there, one out, and the Yankees lead, 6-3, now. I rarely have a beef with just about anything Terry Francona does, but seriously, what's he waiting for? It's apparent that Wakefield doesn't have it tonight, and worse, it's one of those nights where, typical of a struggling knuckleballer, he's giving away runs (he's walked in one, another scored on a wild pitch, a third on a passed ball). Don't let this one get out of hand. Get Kyle Snyder in there.

And after another walk . . . here's Snyder, about four batters too late. I knew he was pitching well, but I have to admit, I didn't realize he had a 1.53 ERA. Not too shabby for a long reliever.

Snyder hits A-Rod (unintentionally, we're sad to report), bringing up Posada, who promptly rips a three-run double into the left-field gap, blowing this one open at 9-3. It's a six-run inning, the Yankees have batted around, and Wakefield ends up charged with eight runs in 3 2/3 innings. Not quite what we had in mind at the beginning of the night.

An eight-pitch inning for Wang, who's helped by Manny double-play grounder, his team-high, Rice-in-'87-like ninth of the season. Drew also grounds to second. At this point, he should change his number from 7 to 4-3.

FIFTH INNING
Uh-oh. Lowell, who was hit by a pitch earlier in the game, is replaced by Eric Hinske. Given that Lowell leads the Sox in homers and RBIs, it's fair to say his absence for any length of time would be damaging. Here's hoping it's just precautionary.

I keep hearing how Bobby Abreu looks indifferent at best these days, but man, I don't think the Sox have gotten him out since he came over from the Phillies. He just clanged his second double of the night off the wall. And who said the Yankees weren't hitting, anyway?

Just as Lloyd Bridges once picked a bad day to stop sniffing glue, I apparently picked a bad day to start liveblogging the Sox. (Snyder just walked Melky Cabrera, the Yankees' seventh freakin' free-pass of the night.) So we're going to change gears a little bit here if/until the Sox get back into the game and comment on a few peripheral Sox-Yankees items.

• Seems like every time I read about one of Mike Timlin's rehab appearances at Pawtucket, he's giving up a run and a couple of hits per inning, which has done nothing to alter my suspicion that he's cooked. I appreciate him for all he did from 2003-05 (he was as guilty as anyone for what happened last August, IMO), but it's because of those watercolor memories that I worry Francona will be tempted to use him in crucial situations, something he hasn't been able to handle for some time now. I'm not saying I think he should hang it up . . . but it might not be the worst thing, just to save Tito from the temptation.

• Looks like Jason Giambi might be done for the season after injuring his foot "circling the bases" against the Blue Jays. I'm guessing "circling the bases" is a euphemism for A) "getting his foot shattered by a Selig henchman" or B) "sticking the needle in so far that it chipped a bone," but the way he was going, this might be a blessing for the Yankees anyway. It gives them the chance to play Cabrera regularly in the outfield while DHing Damon, Abreu, or Matsui, which probably makes them a better defensive team while keeping the old dudes' legs reasonably fresh.

• Is it me, or has Jerry Remy seriously toned down the pimping of his RemDawg trinkets this season? Wonder if he got a talking-to from Dr. Charles. Probably woke up one morning to find Wally the Green Monster's severed head in his bed.

• I don't care what he low K-rate suggests. If Wang can stay healthy - and judging by his minor-league track record, that's a big if - he can be a very successful pitcher for years to come. That sinker is an incredibly effective out-pitch, and it's not like he's a slopballer - his radar-gun readings reach the mid-'90s. I'm not going to hold it against him because he's uncommonly efficient.

• Papi's on pace for 29 homers. That's hardly lousy, but it makes you wonder how much those hamstrings are bothering him.

• After Wakefield's performance tonight, I officially consider Julian Tavarez the fourth starter.

• I usually forget to mention these things here, but while I think of it, my latest column on FOXsports.com is up, just as it is every Friday. Check it out if you get the chance.

• Quick note from the game: Torre just got tossed after the third-base ump blantantly blew it and called Bobby Abreu out on an attempted steal of third. My question is this: Why's he stealing third in a 9-3 game? That strikes me as something A-Rod would do. Also, Drew has left the game with a hamstring strain. There are no words for what a flop he has been so far.

• Even though he has just six fewer RBIs (31) at the moment than he had all of last year, I still don't get the Sox front office's fascination with Julio Lugo. He's played better than expected at short, but he's a mediocre offensive player who isn't getting on base nearly enough from the leadoff spot. Tell me again what was wrong with Orlando Cabrera?

Well, we're in the eighth now, it's still 9-3, Yankees, Remy and Orsillo are getting giggly, and it looks like the Sox lead over New York will be 12.5 in tomorrow's newspapers. I guess that 16.5 thing isn't going to happen after all. But I do want to mention, before I sign off for the night (assuming there is no miracle comeback in the works), that even if the Yankees sweep this series and cut the Sox lead to 10.5, I am entirely convinced that the Sox will win the American League East this season. There is zero chance that the Yankees can re-enact their comeback of '78, for one reason more than any other: Terry Francona is a far superior manager to Don Zimmer. He knows how to handle a pitching staff and manipulate a bench, he doesn't bury quality players with petty grudges, and he'll pace his regulars over the course of the season so they aren't deep-fried come September. Futher, this Sox team is much more well-rounded than the '78 crew that had a fearsome lineup, no bench (see: Frank Duffy), and a mediocre starting rotation after The Eck, while these Yankees, with their endless pitching question marks and aging core, are vastly inferior to the Guidry-Gossage-Reggie club that went 100-63 that season. The only people that think this severely flawed Yankees team has a chance to make up 12.5 games over the Red Sox in the coming months are the same ones who refuse to admit that the events of October, 2004 changed the dynamic in this rivalry forever. The Sox are better, and assuming there is no deluge of injuries, the final standings will confirm as much.


Postscript:As Remy just noted, things just got interesting for the rest of the weekend. With one out in the bottom of the ninth, Youkilis just got drilled in the shoulder by Scott Proctor (pitching for the 2,838th straight game), and Youks, who extended his hitting streak to 23 earlier in the game and thus probably figures he shouldn't have to put up with such b.s., started heading toward Proctor as the benches emptied. Proctor was ejected immediately, arguing the dismissal vehemently, and it appeared Posada was trying to convince Youkilis that the near-beaning was accidental and not retaliation for Cano getting hit in the top half of the inning. Whether it was intentional or accidental, it's fair to say that the odds of A-Rod getting a faceful of Varitek's glove tomorrow just increased exponentially.

Questionable content

Digging through the email box (and the cobwebs in my mind) to answer questions both real and imagined . . .

From reader Steve K.: The Sox just *****-slapped the Yankees again. They're on pace to win something like 110 games. I'm a believer. This team looks stacked, and Manny's not even hitting yet. So when do I get my playoff tickets?

You know, I like to pretend I'm the voice of reason around here, never too high after a big win, never too low after an agonizing loss, yada yada . . . but damn, it's pretty much impossible for even an accomplished cynic not to be sky-high about the 2007 Red Sox's long-term chances right now, isn't it? Just consider the positives in this 15-7 start: Josh Beckett is having an April matched only by Pedro and the Babe in Red Sox annals, and not only does he look like a pitcher who's found his groove, but he's talking like one, admitting he made the mistake of throwing "hard, harder, and hardest" during his first season in Boston . . . The expensive new guys, from Julio Lugo (he's been nothing less than dynamic) to J.D. Drew (their most complete player) to Daisuke Matsuzaka (who flashes an ace's knack for limiting the damage in the innings where his command goes on the fritz), have justified every zero on their paychecks so far . . . Papi is still Papi, god bless him, and the offense will find another gear when Manny finds his form any moment now . . . Jason Varitek and Mike Lowell look rejuvenated, suggesting that reports of their demise (ahem) were greatly exaggerated . . . The middle relief, in particular Hideki Okajima, has been far better than expected, and Joel Pineiro looks improved with each appearance . . . Jonathan Papelbon is doing a spot-on Goose Gossage imitation. All he needs is the fu manchu . . . and Terry Francona continues to be the most underrated manager in the game, especially considering all of the b.s. about bloody socks and the like that he has to put up with here. So, uh, yeah, we're pretty enthusiastic about the summer ahead. Does 120 wins sound unreasonable?

From Greasymustacheandastainedtanktop, Mom's extra bedroom, The Bronx: Yo, please tell me the standings are printed upside down. This ain't really happening, is it? My whole self-image depends on the Yankees' success! If they suck, why, that means I do too! YO!

It's all true, Greasystache, and can you imagine where they'd be without A-Rod's otherworldly start? Oh, right . . . last place. Heh. But I think we all know better than to write the Yankees off in April. Once the weather heats up and Hideki Matsui gets healthy, their lineup will be relentless enough that they'll win a lot of 12-9 games, and Chien-Ming Wang and Mike Mussina should steady that wretched rotation with 30 or so wins between them. And you have to figure they'll add a few bullpen arms and whatever else they need at the trade deadline. However, and I hesitate to say this, but something feels different this time around, doesn't it? Maybe it's that Joe Torre already seems to be managing out of desperation at the expense of his bullpen's health, or maybe it's the fact that Mariano Rivera (zero saves) is 38 years old and suddenly looks very hittable, or maybe it's the fact that bringing up a clearly not-ready-for-prime-time Philip Hughes reeks of desperation . . . but these just don't look like the Yankees we've grown to loathe so much. Yeah, it's only the season's beginning. But from what we've seen so far, it's not out of the question that in the Bronx, it's the beginning of the end.

From reader Dave R.: I know it's pretty much impossible to guess what the Patriots will do in the draft. But you don't you figure they have to take a linebacker at either #24 or #28? It's their only legit weakness.

Knowing Belichick and Pioli, they'll probably take another tight end and a punter, thereby causing Mel Kiper's head to explode. (We're guessing his hair would remain intact, however). Actually, I think they will take a linebacker at 24 - I'm just not sure which one it will be, though if I were throwing together a mock draft, I'd probably go with Jon Beason from Miami, who's said to be fast, versatile, and devoted to football, all traits that would make him a nice fit in Foxboro. I do think it's entirely possible that they'll take two linebackers in the first round, since Michigan's David Harris has reportedly been climbing up their draft board in recent days and there might be other appealing alternatives such as Penn State's Paul Posluszny. All things being equal, though, I hope they add some depth in the defensive backfield with the 28th pick, though I have no idea whom they might favor from the Griffin/Houston/Meriweather group. Oh, and about taking another tight end: I was joking earlier, but if Miami's gifted Greg Olsen is on the board, I bet the Pats will at least give him some consideration, especially if Dave Thomas's injury is more serious than we know. Given the depth of their roster, they may be in Best Player Available mode from the beginning. So I guess what I'm saying is that we have no freakin' clue what will happen, though it's worth noting that Belichick, in a delicious bit of candor, revealed on WEEI this afternoon that there are players projected to go in the first round whom the Patriots have rated as late-round picks or free agents. Seriously, how cool is that? I'd pay good money to get a peek at their draft board. You know it looks like no one's mock draft.

From reader John W.: Chad: A couple posts ago, you said you weren't ready to pass judgment on Glenn Geffner. Ready yet? I am. I hate to sound like an old fart, but he suuuuucks. It's not that he's new or young... and although he's an internal hire, he doesn't come across as too obvious a homer. But he has no sense of pacing. He's constantly talking too fast, frequently tripping over his own tongue. He tries way too hard to fit nuggets of predigested data in between pitches. At its best, baseball on radio has a relaxed, welcoming atmosphere. Sure, you can get excited when there's a key play; but otherwise, you gotta take time to breathe. He almost... emphasize almost... makes me long for the Trupiano era.

Slowly nodding in agreement . . . Actually, I'm still trying to give Geffner the benefit of the doubt, if only because I was so anti-Trupiano that it probably wouldn't be good form to rip his replacement so soon. So I'll leave it at this for now: I think Dave O'Brien is outstanding, and I wish his ESPN commitments didn't keep him from doing all of the Sox games. As for Geffner . . . well, the less said the better, I suppose, and that goes for him and his excessive dependence on the media guide as well as me. Assuming settles down, talks slower and less often, and lets Castiglione lead the way, he should at least be tolerable. Hey, at least he's not Troop.

From SlappyVonPurplelips, Scott Boras's lair: Is Tom Brady the Derek Jeter of football? Because if he is, that means I'll have to hate his guts too, even though he's never made me change positions or hung me out to dry with the fans or borrowed my rouge without returning it or anything.

Well, no, because Tom Terrific's teams have won championship(s) since he became captain, so that's a major difference right there. But I get where this question is coming from: Pretty-boy Brady just signed a $12 million deal to endorse Stetson cologne. Pretty-boy Jeter has his own brand of cologne called, I believe, One-Step Range To The Left. (Whoops, Google informs me it's called Driven. Close enough, I say.) Anyway, here's the difference. Stetson goes for a rugged, masculine image, something out of the wild west. Driven is produced by Avon, which caters to girly-girls, blue-haired grannies, and Yankee infielders. Edge, Stetson, though if they make Brady wear a stupid cowboy hat or cuddle a friggin' goat like GQ did, we'll have no choice but to call it a draw.

From reader Kevin J.: Dreaming that there is some luck of the Irish with the ping-pong balls May 22 and we're vindicated for losing out on Duncan 10 years ago, who do you take? Oden, or Durant?

Oden, without a moment's hesitation. His presence would improve the Celtics' defense so much immediately that even Gerald Green might look like a competent defender with Oden watching his back. Listen, I love Durant and he'd be hell of a consolation prize in the No. 2 slot, but the claims that he's a once-in-a-generation player are more than a little hyperbolic. He'll be a great scorer in the NBA, a perennial All-Star who combines some of the best attributes of Tracy McGrady, Carmelo Anthony, and Dirk Nowitzki. But Oden is a game-changer on defense, an undeniable presence whom you can see eventually anchoring a championship team. He is the franchise player this franchise is desperate for.

From Petey M., Flushing, N.Y.: Where you been, man?

Hibernating. To be honest, I've been overwhelmed with some real-world stuff lately, including having a tree wipe out the power lines in our neighbor's yard, leaving us without power without 3 1/2 days. Let's just say I'm a lot more sympathetic to Nicholson's character in "The Shining" after that experience. The Fox column (latest edition here, if you didn't see it) also has interfered with my blogging productivity more than I thought it would. But now that we have lights and electricity and such, I vow to be a more consistent correspondent over the next few weeks, particularly since the Boston.com affiliation/link should be starting up soon.

From reader Jeff P.: Keep running all the dolled-up pictures of Jenna Fisher [sic] you want, Finn. You'll never convince me she's anything more than plain, especially by Hollywood standards. She does do a good job on the show though ... so what do you think will happen in the final episodes? Will she hook up with Halpert or what?

First of all, People magazine disagrees with you, Steve, and yes, I'm glad to see they received all of my letters of nomination. Second, Stevie Wonder called, and he wants his retinas back. (I know, that's a comeback only Costanza could love. So sue me.) Anyway, here are a few predictions for the season's final three episodes:

• Jan reveals she's pregnant with a Michael Scott spawn: Terrifying twist, huh? A couple of the cast members have mentioned that Jan will have a major life change soon, and I can't help but remember that she kept saying she felt queasy in the episode at the boss's house. I am a little surprised they'd play the baby card so soon, though.

• Karen will be offered a corporate job in New York, and Jim will have decide whether to stay or go: The gorgeous Rashida Jones, who's done the near impossible by making Karen immensely likable as the woman standing between Pam and Jim, landed a lead role in a pilot on Fox, and reportedly will only be on The Office on occasion next year, if it all. Sending her to New York seems to be a convenient way for the writers to ease out her character while causing a compelling cliffhanger at the season's end.

• Pam will tell Jim exactly how she feels: For all of Michael's antics and Dwight's beet-and-Angela-loving weirdness and Jim's prankster geniality, good-hearted Pam is the show's fulcrum, and the underlying theme this season has been her quest to overcome her fear of rejection and summon the strength to take some chances and get what she wants out of life. The show's savvy writers have a talent for taking us in a perfectly believable direction that we didn't see coming, but it's difficult not to assume that everything that has occured this season (the reconciliation and final breakup with Roy, her overhearing Oscar's snarky comments at the art show about her not being honest with herself) is setting up a situation in which she takes the ultimate chance and puts her heart on the line for Jim. In fact, given Jenna Fischer's habit of subtly tipping off her blog readers to upcoming crucial Jim/Pam moments, we can probably pinpoint the episode when it will happen, considering she recently wrote this: "The episode not to be missed is Beach Day [May 10]. Seriously. Don't miss it."

From my own simple mind: Anything else you wanted to add, dummy?

Just this: While I wasn't a Hardy Boys savant and never imagined that Mo Lucas and Billy Ray Bates were my friends (though I did feel a certain kinship with Kevin Kunnert), my experience with David Halberstam's "The Breaks of the Game" was remarkably similar to Hollywood Sports Guy's remembrance today. "Breaks," Halberstam's compelling, meticulous account of the post-Walton Portland Trail Blazers and the addled NBA of the late '70s, was one of the first grown-up books I ever read, and I love it as much today as I did when I was 13 years old. (The Swen Nater/Sidney Wicks airport scene is worth the cover price alone.) When I heard the terribly sad news that Halberstam, a far more accomplished writer and journalist than anyone who attempted to pay tribute to him, was killed in a car accident early this week at age 73, I immediately thought of "Breaks," my affection for that book, and my admiration of the man who wrote it. I'll make the effort to read it again soon, my own silly little flashback/homage. If you haven't read it yourself, please do, particularly if you've enjoyed Halberstam's other renowned sports books like "The Summer of '49" or "October, 1964." There's no book I'd recommend more.

As for today's Completely Random Football Card:


Sparks was a pretty decent corner for the Giants and the Cowboys in the '90s, but mark these words: his 17-year-old daughter is going to be more famous and have a more lucrative and successful career than her pop ever did. While beatboxing Blake Lewis remains my boy on American Idol, I have to admit my wife was right all along: Jordin Sparks is the class of this year's underwhelming crop of contenders, and she deserves to win the thing, something Mrs. TATB was saying when Entertainment Weekly was putting Jordin's odds of winning at something like 100-1. The girl can sing the hell out of just about any song, and unlike some of AI's better vocalists through the years, she has the right look. Her old man - who, frighteningly, is only six months older than me - surely must be prouder of her than of anything he ever accomplished on the football field.

TATB Live: Dice-K vs. Norwich Navigators ace Chase Wright

Let's see . . . the clicker has settled on ESPN, our ass is planted in its usual spot on the couch, a couple of Red Stripes are within reach, and in anticipation of the fun the next few hours might bring, the broom is at the ready. Yep, we're officially in Live Blog mode. Play ball, yo.

But before we get rolling with this matchup of career one-game winners, thought I'd let you in on a couple of possible bets tonight, if you are so inclined:

• Dice-K and the Sox are heavy favorites at -170. Vegas does not love Chase Wright.

• The over/under on the number of times Gold Glove winner Derek Jeter's defensive problems are mentioned on the telecast: once, followed by a lame excuse that includes a reference to intangibles.

• The over/under on the times Joe Torre will get caught by the cameras "digging for treasure": Nine (once per inning).

• The over/under on the number of Dice-K pitches Joe Morgan misidentifies as "that's a cutter, Jon": (Searching without luck for the infinity symbol on my keyboard.)

Wager wisely, and let's go. (Sweep . . . sweep . . . sweep. . . ):

FIRST INNING
Well, that's not how it was supposed to start. After retiring Benedict Damon and Jeter, Dice-K walks Bobby Abreu, drills A-Rod (because the Sox do hit .300 hitters), then leaves a flat changeup on the outside corner that Jason Giambi pokes into the left-center gap to score two. It's 2-0, Yankees, and suddenly I catch myself wondering how you say "performance enhancing drugs" in Japanese. (By the way, Giambi is already sweating like he just stepped out of the sauna. The man is a walking armpit. Must be a side-effect of one of his vitamins.)

In terms of build and delivery, my first impression of Chase Wright is that he reminds me of Jon Lester a little bit, though the Sox's lefty throws harder. And like Lester at times last year, Wright seems hesitant to trust his stuff, which is why he starts out by walking Julio Lugo and Kevin Youkilis. Can't say I blame him - he's only the ninth Yankees rookie in 15 years to start a game at Fenway. The other eight either burst into tears or spontaneously combusted from the stress of the experience. True story. Domingo Jean was nothing but a grease spot and a pair of spikes by the time the Faithful got done with him.

All right, this Wright kid is officially . . . what's the term? . .. oh, yes, a puke. After getting Papi and Manny to pop to Abreu - both on very hittable pitches - he gets two strikes on J.D. Drew, then throws him a slider in the dirt, a good pitcher's pitch. Drew checks his swing, but before the third base umpire can rule whether he went, Wright hops off the mound and is halfway to the dugout before the ump rules no swing. Save that cocky ---- for when you have more than one (1) win above Double A, kid. (Drew whiffs on the next pitch to leave two runner stranded. Wright resists the temptation to do an Eck-style fist pump and point.)

SECOND INNING
Joe Morgan: "Watching Matuzaka now, you can just tell he's a good pitcher." You know, I was going to mock him for stating the obvious, but that might be the most insightful thing he's ever said. Sure doesn't take much to win an Emmy these days, does it? Dice-K cruises through the second, thanks in part to a nice running catch by Wily Mo Pena in center, who puts a sizable dent in the Monster after a minor post-catch collision.

Wright's starting to look like one of those ----balling lefties who've made a habit of tormenting the Sox the last few seasons. He's got a good change, a decent slider, and a fastball that touches 92. It's a more than adequate arsenal, though his command is shaky at best. (Exhibit A: He just walked the virtually unwalkable Pena as I was writing this.) Still, he gets out of it. Future Pawtucket mainstay Dustin Pedroia's first extra-base hit of the season, a rocketed double into the left field corner, goes for naught as Lugo grounds to three-time Gold Glove winner Captain Jetes, who flashes his two-step range and retires Lugo at first. Calm Eyes!

THIRD INNING
Uh-oh. Early trouble for Dice-K in the second. Damon singles up the middle, then Dice-K plants one in Jeter's back. It didn't look intentional - Jeter is a notorious diver - but now he has to deal with Abreu, A-Rod, and the Walking Chemistry Experiment with runners on. Man, they don't have lineups like this in Japan.

Abreu whiffs. A-Rod whiffs. And Juicin' G. should have been retired, but his broken-bat flare to right nicks off a retreating Pedroia's glove as Damon crosses the plate to make it 3-0. Pedroia, who had shifted to shallow right already for the pull-heavy Giambi, absolutely should have made the play, and if he were taller than 5-foot-6 or blessed with better range than a lawn gnome, he would have. (Robinson Cano whiffs to end the inning.)

I thought my dad was the only person on earth who still wore those goofy glasses that tint depending upon the level of sunlight, but Gammons, doing his sideline/insight thing tonight, also has them on. I wonder if Gammons also hikes his tube socks up to his knees while wearing shorts and sandals. That's my dad's sartorial trademark, you know.

Morgan is prattling on about how Wright can't keep getting away with throwing only his changeup for strikes. Meanwhile, Papi just popped up, the Sox have but one hit, and Jamie Moyer has 218 wins . . .

. . . and Manny just wallops a changeup to the Mass Pike to make it 3-1, Evil.Do I have to give Morgan credit for making a reasonable point there? I do? Damn.

. . . Um, geez, I guess I do, because J.D. Drew creamed another Wright meatball over everything in right-center to make it 3-2. Like I said, you can't live on the changeup alone. Nope, not in this league.

. . . Holy ----. Back-to-back-to-freakin'-back, with Mike Lowell hitting the longest yet, an absolute bomb that should be landing in your swimming pool at any moment. Oh, and that Joe Morgan? Love him! Give him another Emmy. He knows his stuff.

. . . All right, now this is getting ridiculous. Jason Varitek makes it four homers in nine pitches - the first time the Sox have ever hit four consecutive homers - and Chase Wright is morphing into Bobby Sprowl before our eyes. Theo Epstein's reaction sums it up best: "Oh. My. God." Wily Mo whiffs trying for five, but it's 4-3, Sox, and this one just got fun again.

FOURTH INNING
Nice, easy uneventful inning for Dice-K - in other words, just want you want your pitcher to do after the offense has just given you a lead.

Torre manages to get through his between-innings interview without sticking his finger in his nostrils. Progress, Joe. Progress.

Colter Bean, an enormous (6-foot-7) slopballer who spent a spring as a Rule 5 pick with the Sox a few years ago, is in for the Yankees. We're going to assume Chase Wright is either curled up in the fetal position in the shower or on a bus to Scranton. Probably the former.

Papi's wearing No. 42 tonight as the Sox are paying tribute to Jackie Robinson after rain washed out the original day of homage. Papi's one of the select few players I think should be permitted to wear Robinson's number on a regular basis - it just seems right to me that his number would be on the field, rather than permanently retired - though seeing the 42 on Papi's back is giving me Mo Vaughn flashbacks. Anyway, Mo . . . er, Papi is stranded on second after a double, and it's still 4-3, Sox.

FIFTH INNING
So it turns out Francona's dad, Tito, was involved the only other time in history that one pitcher gave up four consecutive home runs. Also, Drew was one of the Dodgers that hit four straight homers to win that memorable game in the ninth inning last season. Baseball always seems to have cool coincidences like that, doesn't it?

Jeter dinks a hanging slider (according to Morgan) into the Monster Seats, and it's 4-4. And no, that's probably not the only time "Jeter" and "dinks" have been mentioned in the same sentence.

Someone needs to tell Jon Miller than Dice-K doesn't throw a freakin' gyroball. I realize that working with Morgan all these years has probably broken his spirit, but he's starting to get annoying with the inane references to something that doesn't exist.

Dice-K throws several pitches that aren't gyroballs, striking out Abreu and A-Rod and getting Giambi to pop up to escape the inning. Time to up the dosage, G.

My wife just realized her Sunday night habit of watching "Desperate Housewives" was sacrificed for the sake of this blog, though it looks like the DVR saved the day. I actually find the show funny and well-written in a hammy sort of way, and of course there are other reasons for a guy to watch as well. Teri "They're real and they're spectacular" Hatcher, a pretty decent comedic actress, would probably get my vote for the show's hottest babe, if only because I've seen one too many frightening photos of Eva Longoria without makeup.

(What, you haven't seen the pics?)

(Well, trust me, you don't want to. You'll never look at her the same way again.)

(You want to see them? Really? Are you sure?)

(Okay, if you insist, but don't blame me if your retinas burn.)



(All right, it's not that bad. But it's not quite what she's selling on the show, either. Wonder if Tony Parker knows about this.)

Oh, and the Sox don't score.

SIXTH INNING
The number of Yankees I've liked over the years is roughly the same as the number of championship rings Alex Rodriguez has won, but I have to admit, I really am coming to appreciate - okay, like - Robinson Cano. Not only is he a line-drive machine who's going to win a batting crown or two, but he seems like a terrific kid who appreciates his place in the world. He also plays the game the right way, as his shrewd first-to-third baserunning on bloop single that fell in in front of Drew just put the Yankees in position to go ahead, 5-4, on a double-play grounder by Melky Cabrera.

Andy Pettitte, who started Friday in the opener of this series, is coming in in relief. Hmm, Torre knows he has a recent history of elbow problems, right? He remembers that an MRI that made Pettitte's elbow look like pastrami is the reason why the Yankees let him go after the 2003 season, right? Guess this is one of those April must-wins for the Yankees, because otherwise this really doesn't make much sense. When Pettitte's visiting Dr. James Andrews in July, let's remember this one.

Jon Miller just referred to Pettitte as "Clemens." Does he know something? Was there a formal union over the winter? Should we get them something? Candlesticks make a lovely gift. The new Mr. Clemens gets Papi to hit into an inning-ending double play, so I suppose the move works for now.

SEVENTH INNING
Dice-K whiffs Abreu on a nasty gyroball* to set the Yankees down in order in the seventh. Looks like Scott Proctor is coming in for the Yankees. Meanwhile, Pettitte is phoning Tommy John to ask for advice on how to comb his hair now that he can't lift his arm over his head.

* - Not actually a gyroball, but who would expect an Emmy Award-winning baseball broadcaster to recognize a forkball, anyway?

Manny greets Proctor with a hard single to right. When Manny starts smoking the ball the opposite way, it's a tell-tale sign that he's about to go on one of his patented tears. And it looks like he will get one more at-bat tonight. Just sayin'.

Drew inside-outs a curveball that scrapes off the wall in the left. Classic Fred Lynn double right there, and yes, Drew does remind me a lot of Fragile Freddy, for reasons mostly good.

Well, maybe those of us who have been fretting that Mike Lowell will suffer an offensive decline this season should shut the *%*% up for a while. Lowell just cranked his second homer of the night, three-run line shot off the base of the Coke bottles, giving the home team a 7-5 lead. Did we mention that this is - er, make that was - Proctor's 12th appearance in 17 games? Leave it to Torre to ride his horses until they turn into glue . . . in April. As it is, Proctor's out, and Luis Vizcaino, this year's version of Antonio Osuna and Felix Rodriguez, a hard thrower with a penchant for melting down, is in.

EIGHT INNINGS
After giving up a single to A-Rod on a 2-2 pitch, Dice-K's debut against the Yankees comes to an end with this line: 106 pitches, 7 innings, 8 hits, 1 walk, 7 Ks, 5 earned runs. Acceptable, though hardly an ace-like performance. I was mildly surprised he got a standing ovation, but then, he's leaving with the lead. I'll really complain when we start giving every damn home run hitter a curtain call.

The Yankees aren't going to surrender quietly, are they? After A-Rod's single, new folk hero Hideki Okajima gives up a single to left center by Giambi, bringing longtime Sox pest Jorge Posada to the plate as a pinch hitter. Suddenly, I'm sweating like Giambi.

Walk. Loaded. Okajima out, Donnelly in, Cabrera up. Hold me.

Cabrera grounds into a fielder's choice in which that little weasel Miguel Cairo swipes at Lugo to prevent him from turning two, and it's 7-6, Sox.

Suddenly, I feel kind of bad for all of the Pedroia short jokes. That was one hell of a clutch play. Then again, he probably wouldn't have been able to make that diving stab to rob Josh Phelps of what surely would have been a go-ahead two-run single had he not been so low to the ground in the first place. (Sorry. Old habits, you know.)

Papelbon is getting loose, with Damon, Jeter, and Abreu due up in the ninth. A few insurance runs here sure wouldn't hurt. Maybe four homers in a row, if that's not too much to ask?

Phelps is now catching for the Yankees, the first time he's caught in the big leagues since 2001. So far, he actually looks like he knows what he's doing.

Manny ropes hit No. 3 tonight. The hot streak is officially underway. Unfortunately, he's left stranded, and it comes down to Papelbon against the heart of the Yankees' order, just as it should, I suppose.

NINTH INNING
"Gritty at-bat by Damon," Jon Miller says, and I guess he's right, though I thought it was an unwritten rule that only David Eckstein can be called "gritty" after hitting a routine fly to left.

Now that's a fastball. Sit your intangibled ass down, Captain. Two outs.

Abreu walks on a high 3-2 fastball that looked like it was about 102 mph. Remember how A-Rod recently said that it always seems to come down to him, good or bad? I think he was onto something.

Mr. Clutch reverts to his Fenway form and bounces an 0-2 pitch to Lowell, and the Sox have their first sweep of the Yankees at Fenway since 1990. A hell of fun game, all in all. As for parting thoughts: It would have been nice if Dice-K could have spun a gem, but thanks to an offense that got a lot of production this weekend from some players (Coco Crisp, Lowell, Varitek) who had been concerning us, we're certainly satisfied with the final results. Hey, he's 1-0 lifetime against the Yankees, the Sox are 3-0 against the Yankees in '07, and it's starting to look like this could be a very interesting summer at Fenway. Nothing to bitch about here. Speaking of which: Remind me to pick up the New York tabloids tomorrow, will you?

TATB's Long-Awaited, Half-Assed, Red Sox-Slanted Spring Training Preview Capsules: AL East

(Sixth in a six-part series, teams listed in predicted order of finish).

NEW YORK YANKEES
Foul pops and other observations: I pick the Red Sox every year, and every year the Yankees win the division. Time to break out the old reverse jinx, fellas . . . Not that the Yankees' lineup isn't championship-quality. Superstar-to-be Robinson Cano hit .342 last year, trailing only Joe Mauer and Derek Jeter in the AL. He'll bat eighth. Yikes . . . Derek Jeter's numbers matched his reputation last season. I'm not saying he should have won the MVP, but he was much more valuable to the Yankees than Justin Morneau was to the Twins . . . All right, I'm ready to admit it now. Letting Johnny Damon go was a massive mistake, and yes, it still looks weird to see him clean-shaven and neutered into the True Yankee cult . . .You tell me which vitamins he's taking, and then I'll tell you what kind of season Jason Giambi will have . . . I don't care if he hits 45 homers (and he damn well might): If A-Rod is back with the Yankees in 2008, I'll eat a bowl of Joe Torre's nose hair . . . Though it's hard to believe now that he was once considered the next Dale Murphy, Josh Phelps is a decent gamble at first base. He has 57 homers in 1,203 career at-bats, and he won't be 28 until next month . . . Jorge Posada has declined slightly at the plate, but he's a far better defensive catcher than he was in the days when Cone and Clemens, among others, disliked throwing to him . . . But about that starting pitching . . . When Carl Pavano is your opening day starter, you know there are some issues, no matter what the circumstances . . . Nineteen-game winner Chien-Ming Wang is a lightning rod for debate between the scouts and the stat guys. Scouts will tell you Wang can be a top-of-the-rotation starter because of his tremendous sinker, which produces groundout after groundout when he is on. The stat guys look at his strikeout rate (barely three per nine innings last year) and tell you no pitcher in history has ever succeeded for any length of time with such a pathetic K-rate. I'm rooting for the stat guys on this one . . . Maybe Andy Pettitte will be the answer (though rumor has it that he has Dr. Jobe on speed dial), but if the starters aren't better than expected, Scott Proctor's right arm will be hanging by a thread by August . . . The most similar pitcher to Mike Mussina, according to baseballreference: Juan Marichal. Not bad company . . . The drama is unmatched, but 18 regular-season games between the Sox and the Yankees? That's getting to be too many for my nerves.

Breakthrough player: Philip Hughes. He'll be a major factor as soon as he arrives.

Breakdown player: A-Rod. Emotionally, not physically.

Completely random Bill James stat: A-Rod led American League players in fielding errors with 14. (That excludes throwing errors.)

BOSTON RED SOX
(Extended preview capsule coming Monday. How's that for a cop out?)

TORONTO BLUE JAYS
Foul pops and other observations: The Jays will prove a worthy summer-long opponent to the Sox and Yankees, but come September, they'll be looking up at the big boys . . . Why? They don't have the lineup depth of the Yankees or the pitching depth of the Sox . . . Roy Halladay is the ace of the division, capable of winning a Cy Young award in any given year. But he's followed by perennial tease A.J. Burnett, erratic Gustavo Chacin, journeyman Tomo Ohka, and, almost unfathomably, atrocious slopballer Josh Towers, who beat out Victor Zambrano for the fifth spot. Halladay and Burnett need to win 40 games between them just to make the rest of the rotation sufferable . . . It would help if Chacin, who was 4-0 against the Sox last year, could stay healthy, but he's already in John Gibbons's doghouse and is Toronto's early frontrunner for the Hillenbrand/Lilly Award, given annually to the Jay who is most likely to get sucker-punched by his manager . . . This lineup will score some runs, though anyone expecting Frank Thomas to duplicate his comeback season Oakland is probably a member of the Ricciardi family. Thomas played in in just 108 games the previous two seasons, and he'll be 39 next month . . . Vernon Wells is one of the premier all-around players in the American League, a class act who is just now hitting his prime . . . and yet, I get this nagging sense that he should be better. His numbers stagnated after his breakout 2003, when he went .317-33-117, and he hit just .272 in '04 and .269 in '05 before bouncing back at .303-33-106 last year. Given his ability (and paycheck), he needs to build on those numbers rather than regress again . . . The rumors are so prevalent that you have to figure there is some truth to them, but I can't understand why the Jays would consider dealing Alex Rios. He was on his way to putting up Wells-like numbers before he was sidetracked by a staph infection . . . Sox fans won't complain that two longtime pests have moved on, Frank Catalanotto to Texas and lefty Ted Lilly to the Chicago Cubs. Now if we could just do something about Reed Johnson and Gregg Zaun.

Breakthrough player: Aaron Hill. After a horrendous start last season, the former first-round pick show resilience in battling back to finish at .291. (It was tempting to pick Adam Lind here, but the slugging outfielder is beginning the season at Syracuse.)

Breakdown player: Thomas. The Big Hurt will be.

Completely random Bill James stat: Troy Glaus led the American League in home runs at home (25).

BALTIMORE ORIOLES
Foul pops and other observations: A once-great franchise slogs through another year of mediocrity and irrelevance . . . Wishy-washy and meddlesome owner Peter Angelos was somehow convinced to spend $42.4 million dollars renovating the bullpen. Unfortunately, each new reliever arrives at Camden Yards with a question mark next to his name, so this new bullpen is unlikely to draw comparisons to the '02 Angels . . . Chad Bradford couldn't handle the AL East gauntlet during his stint with the Sox in '05, Danys Baez had a 4.53 ERA in the National League last season, Scott Williamson seems to have Tommy John surgery every other season, and lefty specialist Jamie Walker allowed a Wasdinesque eight homers in 48 innings in '06 . . . The starting pitching isn't deep (see: Jaret Wright, third starter), but Opening Day starter Erik Bedard might have the best repertoire of any AL lefty not currently employed in Minnesota. He could win 18 . . . I'm skeptical that Daniel Cabrera will ever put it together. Mechanical problems are the bane of tall pitchers, and the 6-foot-8 inch Cabrera's command often goes on the fritz without warning . . . Miguel Tejada quietly batted a career-best .330 last season, with 24 homers and 100 RBIs, and he's living up the Orioles' legacy of dependable shortstops: he hasn't missed a game since 2000 . . . Kevin Millar had two more homers and eight fewer RBIs than the man who bumped him out of Boston, Kevin Youkilis. And he did it in 139 fewer at-bats . . . Aubrey Huff's home run and RBI totals have decreased three straight years, so I'm thinking he might not be up to the task of protecting Tejada . . . I was hardly shocked to see Brian Roberts's name mentioned in the Jason Grimsley case. He hit more homers in 2005 than he did in the first four seasons of his career combined, and he looks nothing like the Pedroia-sized singles hitter who first arrived in Baltimore in 2001.

Breakthrough player: Nick Markakis. He's a .310-25-95 season waiting to happen. The kid can rake.

Breakdown player: Melvin Mora. The 35-year-old dropped to 16 homers last year after hitting 27 in each of the previous two seasons.

Completely random Bill James stat: Cabrera led the AL in wild pitches (17) and walks (104).

TAMPA BAY DEVIL RAYS
Foul pops and other observations: It was tempting to pick them ahead of Baltimore due to their potent young offense, but they just don't have the pitching beyond ace Scott Kazmir . . . Despite their need (desperation?) for lively arms, GM Andrew Friedman was wise in not fulfilling the winter rumor and dealing Carl Crawford to Anaheim for Ervin Santana. Crawford is already among the elite players in the AL, he's only 24, and his home run totals have increased from 5 to 11 to 15 to 18 in his four full seasons. He's a franchise cornerstone, not a trading chip . . . Where did it go wrong for Jorge Cantu? After knocking in 117 runs two years ago, he finds himself in purgatory with the Durham Bulls while he waits to see if the front office will grant his trade request. There have to be more issues with him than the foot injury that derailed his '06 season . . . Jonny Gomes batted .216 with 20 homers while whiffing 116 times in 385 at-bats last year. Wonder if he's ever heard of Rob Deer . . . Assuming resists the urge to impale any umpires with his Louisville Slugger, Delmon Young will be a five-tool star sooner rather than later, but I'm not sure baseball's premier outfield prospect will hit for power right away. He whacked just 8 homers in 342 at-bats at Durham last season . . . With Young, Elijah Dukes, and B.J. Upton, the D-Rays seem to have cornered the market on prospects who are as troubled as they are talented. Wouldn't it be something if Josh Hamilton, given a second (or third . . . or fourth . . .) chance in Cincinnati, ends up being better than all of them?

Breakthrough player: Kazmir. This is the year he dominates everyone else the way he does the Red Sox.

Breakdown player: Rocco Baldelli. Injuries will continue to prevent the pride of Rhode Island from living up to his immense natural ability.

Completely random Bill James stat: Shawn Camp was second in the AL in relief wins with 7, trailing only Seattle's Julio Mateo.

Nine innings: 03.01.07

Playing nine innings while begging Matt White for a couple million bucks, or at least a few rocks . . .


1. Manny's in camp. He's in fantastic shape, to the point that he looks like he could go 3 for 4 with 2 RBIs if the season started today. And the ever-present goofy smile on his face confirms Official Manny Spokesman Julian Tavarez's claim that he's content being a member of the Boston Red Sox. So I have to ask: do we really need to spend any more words on this nonsense, at least until someone gets on-the-record confirmation of what actually happened last August? The snide, innuendo-laden hatchet jobs just get so damn old.


2. I'm giddy with anticipation for Daisuke Matsuzaka's Red Sox debut tonight, and no, I don't care that it's against freakin' Boston College; he could be facing the Saugus Little Leaguers at this point, and after all these months of devouring the hype, intrigue, and grainy YouTube footage, I'd still be geeked to watch him finally take the mound in a Red Sox jersey. Which brings me to a particularly pressing question for baseball fans everywhere: Where, exactly, do you take Dice-K in your fantasy league draft? I'm convinced he's going no later than the second round of the 11-team, semi-high-stakes league I'm in with some work buddies - hell, I might just be the one to pull the trigger. Yeah, I think he's going to be that good, though I suppose I should watch him pitch against someone other than an Atlantic Coast Conference also-ran before I proclaim him the Cy Young frontrunner.

3. It's not exactly a reenactment of the Bronx Zoo, but a Sox fan had to chuckle at the melodrama surrounding the Yankees earlier this spring. Mariano Rivera surprised everyone by speaking publicly about his disappointment over not being signed beyond this season. Gary Sheffield, classy as always, ripped Joe Torre from afar, while Randy Johnson, surly as always, blamed everyone in New York but himself for his failure to make it there. What else? Let's see . . . Bernie Williams refused to depart as gracefully as he played, Stanford tough guy Mike Mussina called out Porcelain Carl Pavano, and Georgie Porgie kept such a low profile that the suspicion is growing that there's a Weekend At Bernie's situation going on here. Geez, and here we thought Brian Cashman had restored some level of sanity to the franchise.

4. Oh, and as for the devastating news that Jeter and A-Rod no longer have sleepovers? The supposed feud is blown way out of proportion. While they may not quite be Best Friends Forever, we here at TATB have it on good authority that they still get together every few weeks to make S'mores, slather each other in Driven and purple lipstick, gossip and giggle about the cute boys on other big league teams, and braid each other's hair. It's quite sweet, really.

5. I'd be a lot more concerned about the Sox's wait-and-see approach to Curt Schilling's request for an extension if he didn't look like he was hiding the other four members of the starting rotation under his shirt.

6. All right, dear readers, I've got an assignment for you. (Don't worry, this time it doesn't involve the Elephant Walk.) I'm looking for a couple good baseball and NBA books to add to my sports library, and other than the recent Clemente bio, I'm having a tough time finding anything interesting I haven't already read. So if you've got a second, shoot me an email or peck a few words in the comments with your suggestions and favorites, old or new, best-sellers or obscurities. And for the record, I've obviously got several copies of this masterpiece already.

7. A three-item Patriots interlude: 1) I'm going to be bummed if they don't get Ole Miss linebacker Patrick Willis in the first round. He's a perfect fit for the system, and if you are familiar with his backstory, you know his maturity and work ethic is beyond reproach. 2) Some fortunate team (Denver?) is going to be getting a very good football player in Daniel Graham. He's a better receiver than he gets credit for, in part because he had the dropsies early in his career and the reputation stuck, and in part because he sacrificed his own numbers for the betterment of the team. Graham's the best blocking tight end the Patriots have had since Lin Dawson, he was respected by his coaches and teammates, and he'll be missed even if Dave Thomas does prove to be a capable replacement. 3) Randy Moss to the Pats? Intriguing on some level, but I suspect the odds of it happening are about the same as Belichick signing ass-capped loudmouth Joey Porter: slim, but not quite none.

8. I'm not going to get all Simmonsy on you and disingenuously pretend that three Saturdays spent slobbering over Greg Oden and Kevin Durant have made me a Bilas-level expert on college hoops, but I will say this: Dick Vitale (and inadvertently, Billy Donovan) confirmed what I've thought all along, that Al Horford is going to be a far superior pro to Joakim Noah. In terms of size and skill, Horford is a classic NBA power forward, and he's only getting better. Noah? He plays passionately and he's a clever interior passer, but his shot is a mess and I'm not sure he's going to be able to rebound in the NBA. To put it another way: If the ping-pong balls fail the Celtics again and they somehow end up taking Noah at No. 3, I'm giving the *%& up.

9. As for today's Completely Random Baseball Card:


Sure, we all see President Dubya and The Mick and the handiwork of a crazed Topps photoshopper, but this card is really about what you don't see. Rumor has it that just outside the frame on the right, A-Rod is standing in the on-deck circle, flipping Jeter the bird as a single tear rolls down his perfectly exfoliated cheek. (C'mon, you knew we were kidding before! They don't make S'mores! They hate each other!)