Nine innings: 05.28.07

Playing nine innings while looking forward to the Yankees' trading-deadline fire sale . . .

1. Think Dr. Charles has anything appropriately cheesy planned for Trot Nixon's return to Fenway Park today? Maybe have noted baseball songsmith Terry Cashman crank out another silly, simple tune ("The Dirty-Hat Ditty," perhaps?). It certainly seems like NESN intends on playing up the Trot angle tonight, from a pregame one-on-one interview with Tom Caron to having ol' No. 7 miked up for some goofy batting-practice banter. Who knows, maybe they'll even bring back Brian Daubach for a reunion with his old partner in grime. While we here at TATB never quite understood why Nixon was such an unconditional darling of the Dirt Dog crowd (from flipping the second out into in the stands twice to failing to hustle home before an inning-ending out could be recorded at another base twice, he always seemed to run neck-and-neck with Manny for the team lead in boneheaded plays), we always respected him for his sincere appreciation of playing in Boston, his big-moment ownership of Roger Clemens, and the fact that he was One of the 25, and the one who happened to deliver the big hit in the clinching game. No, he may never have been our favorite, but today, we will tip our dirty Sox cap his way. After 13 years in the Sox organization, we owe him that much.

2. Kevin Youkilis is batting .353, he has seven straight multi-hit games, a higher OPS than sluggers named Morneau and Teixeira . . . and you know what? I'm beginning to think he's actually this good. It's funny, but the scouts who were skeptical of Youkilis as he rose through the Red Sox system noted that for all of his patience at the plate, they didn't think he was a skilled enough hitter to always make the most of it when he did get a hittable pitch. Well, here we are three years after Youkilis first arrived in the big leagues, and it seems like the guy never misses his pitch - he's a line-drive machine. I realize he got off to a similarly scorching start last season before wearing down in the second half, but I've seen enough to be convinced that he's ready, at age 28, to put up excellent numbers all season long.

3. There are a few things about Dustin Pedroia that annoy me - the swing-from-the-heels approach to hitting, the sense that his tough-guy gripe about A-Rod's slide comes from an incurable case of what my dad used to call "little man's disease" - but I have to admit, he's winning me over as a ballplayer. He's better than advertised defensively, certainly superior to rangeless predecessor Mark Loretta, and if his classic at-bat against Eric Gagne yesterday is a fair measure, there are very few pitchers who will overmatch him despite his unorthodox uppercut swing. I'm not sure I like him yet, but I'm beginning to appreciate him.

4. Well, I guess Pedro Martinez won't be getting a bedazzler for Christmas. If you missed it, the greatest pitcher in modern Red Sox history recently weighed in on the comeback of the second-greatest pitcher in modern history, and Pedro's opinion was basically this: Right now, Roger Clemens looks like a fat, old junkballer. To which we can only say that we hope Pedro is as good a scout as he is (was?) a pitcher.

5. Speaking of Pedro, and to a lesser extent Johnny Damon, it might be time to give Theo Epstein his due for the unsentimental manner in which he refuses to overpay for the club's popular but aging stars. Pedro, of course, crumbled physically in Year 2 of his four-year deal with the Mets, and the years of playing with reckless abandon sure seem to be taking a heavy toll on Damon in his second season with the Yankees. We're not saying Pedro and Damon are finished as premier players . . . but at the moment, Theo looks shrewd for letting them leave. Kinda makes you wonder what his post-2007 plan for Curt Schilling is, doesn't it?

6. Brief Celtics aside: I vow that in 2017, when the Celtics inevitably stink and the next franchise big man (Shazaam O'Neal?) is the prize of the NBA lottery, I will not get caught up in the hype or daydream of said franchise big man in green and white until David Stern's nerdy underling pulls the Celtics' card out of the envelope as the No. 1 pick. The crushing letdown from realizing Tim Duncan, Greg Oden, or Kevin Durant will be some other franchise's grand prize is simply too much to endure again.

7. Brief Patriots aside: Since I've been telling anyone who will listen that we never would have heard of Bryan Fletcher had Junior Seau remained healthy - the one thing he can still do at an elite level is shadow tight ends and running backs in pass coverage - you bet I'm glad the Patriots are bringing him back for another year of graduate school. In a supporting role, Seau's still a very useful player.

8. As if Red Sox fans needed another reason to adore Orlando Cabrera.

9. As for today's Completely Random Baseball Card:


PLoved this story by Joe Posnanski (for our money, one of the two or three best sports columnist in the country - he actually seems to like sports, go figure) on the legend of Bo Jackson. if you didn't see Jackson in his too-short prime, well, you missed something truly special, but Posnanski does a wonderful job of recapturing it, particularly with the Harold Reynolds anecdote. The only time I saw Jackson play in person was in the spring of, let's see, probably '89 or '90 at Fenway, when me and a bunch of my UMaine buddies made the four-hour drive down from the Orono hinterlands for the sole purpose of seeing him (and George Brett) play. As usual, Bo did not disappoint, smashing line-drive home run off Wes Gardner that dented the back wall in centerfield, about 20 feet from where we were seated in the bleachers. I've never seen anything like it - or anything like the man who hit it, for that matter.

Questionable content

Digging through the email box (and the cobwebs in my mind) to answer questions both real and imagined . . .

From reader Steve K.: The Sox just *****-slapped the Yankees again. They're on pace to win something like 110 games. I'm a believer. This team looks stacked, and Manny's not even hitting yet. So when do I get my playoff tickets?

You know, I like to pretend I'm the voice of reason around here, never too high after a big win, never too low after an agonizing loss, yada yada . . . but damn, it's pretty much impossible for even an accomplished cynic not to be sky-high about the 2007 Red Sox's long-term chances right now, isn't it? Just consider the positives in this 15-7 start: Josh Beckett is having an April matched only by Pedro and the Babe in Red Sox annals, and not only does he look like a pitcher who's found his groove, but he's talking like one, admitting he made the mistake of throwing "hard, harder, and hardest" during his first season in Boston . . . The expensive new guys, from Julio Lugo (he's been nothing less than dynamic) to J.D. Drew (their most complete player) to Daisuke Matsuzaka (who flashes an ace's knack for limiting the damage in the innings where his command goes on the fritz), have justified every zero on their paychecks so far . . . Papi is still Papi, god bless him, and the offense will find another gear when Manny finds his form any moment now . . . Jason Varitek and Mike Lowell look rejuvenated, suggesting that reports of their demise (ahem) were greatly exaggerated . . . The middle relief, in particular Hideki Okajima, has been far better than expected, and Joel Pineiro looks improved with each appearance . . . Jonathan Papelbon is doing a spot-on Goose Gossage imitation. All he needs is the fu manchu . . . and Terry Francona continues to be the most underrated manager in the game, especially considering all of the b.s. about bloody socks and the like that he has to put up with here. So, uh, yeah, we're pretty enthusiastic about the summer ahead. Does 120 wins sound unreasonable?

From Greasymustacheandastainedtanktop, Mom's extra bedroom, The Bronx: Yo, please tell me the standings are printed upside down. This ain't really happening, is it? My whole self-image depends on the Yankees' success! If they suck, why, that means I do too! YO!

It's all true, Greasystache, and can you imagine where they'd be without A-Rod's otherworldly start? Oh, right . . . last place. Heh. But I think we all know better than to write the Yankees off in April. Once the weather heats up and Hideki Matsui gets healthy, their lineup will be relentless enough that they'll win a lot of 12-9 games, and Chien-Ming Wang and Mike Mussina should steady that wretched rotation with 30 or so wins between them. And you have to figure they'll add a few bullpen arms and whatever else they need at the trade deadline. However, and I hesitate to say this, but something feels different this time around, doesn't it? Maybe it's that Joe Torre already seems to be managing out of desperation at the expense of his bullpen's health, or maybe it's the fact that Mariano Rivera (zero saves) is 38 years old and suddenly looks very hittable, or maybe it's the fact that bringing up a clearly not-ready-for-prime-time Philip Hughes reeks of desperation . . . but these just don't look like the Yankees we've grown to loathe so much. Yeah, it's only the season's beginning. But from what we've seen so far, it's not out of the question that in the Bronx, it's the beginning of the end.

From reader Dave R.: I know it's pretty much impossible to guess what the Patriots will do in the draft. But you don't you figure they have to take a linebacker at either #24 or #28? It's their only legit weakness.

Knowing Belichick and Pioli, they'll probably take another tight end and a punter, thereby causing Mel Kiper's head to explode. (We're guessing his hair would remain intact, however). Actually, I think they will take a linebacker at 24 - I'm just not sure which one it will be, though if I were throwing together a mock draft, I'd probably go with Jon Beason from Miami, who's said to be fast, versatile, and devoted to football, all traits that would make him a nice fit in Foxboro. I do think it's entirely possible that they'll take two linebackers in the first round, since Michigan's David Harris has reportedly been climbing up their draft board in recent days and there might be other appealing alternatives such as Penn State's Paul Posluszny. All things being equal, though, I hope they add some depth in the defensive backfield with the 28th pick, though I have no idea whom they might favor from the Griffin/Houston/Meriweather group. Oh, and about taking another tight end: I was joking earlier, but if Miami's gifted Greg Olsen is on the board, I bet the Pats will at least give him some consideration, especially if Dave Thomas's injury is more serious than we know. Given the depth of their roster, they may be in Best Player Available mode from the beginning. So I guess what I'm saying is that we have no freakin' clue what will happen, though it's worth noting that Belichick, in a delicious bit of candor, revealed on WEEI this afternoon that there are players projected to go in the first round whom the Patriots have rated as late-round picks or free agents. Seriously, how cool is that? I'd pay good money to get a peek at their draft board. You know it looks like no one's mock draft.

From reader John W.: Chad: A couple posts ago, you said you weren't ready to pass judgment on Glenn Geffner. Ready yet? I am. I hate to sound like an old fart, but he suuuuucks. It's not that he's new or young... and although he's an internal hire, he doesn't come across as too obvious a homer. But he has no sense of pacing. He's constantly talking too fast, frequently tripping over his own tongue. He tries way too hard to fit nuggets of predigested data in between pitches. At its best, baseball on radio has a relaxed, welcoming atmosphere. Sure, you can get excited when there's a key play; but otherwise, you gotta take time to breathe. He almost... emphasize almost... makes me long for the Trupiano era.

Slowly nodding in agreement . . . Actually, I'm still trying to give Geffner the benefit of the doubt, if only because I was so anti-Trupiano that it probably wouldn't be good form to rip his replacement so soon. So I'll leave it at this for now: I think Dave O'Brien is outstanding, and I wish his ESPN commitments didn't keep him from doing all of the Sox games. As for Geffner . . . well, the less said the better, I suppose, and that goes for him and his excessive dependence on the media guide as well as me. Assuming settles down, talks slower and less often, and lets Castiglione lead the way, he should at least be tolerable. Hey, at least he's not Troop.

From SlappyVonPurplelips, Scott Boras's lair: Is Tom Brady the Derek Jeter of football? Because if he is, that means I'll have to hate his guts too, even though he's never made me change positions or hung me out to dry with the fans or borrowed my rouge without returning it or anything.

Well, no, because Tom Terrific's teams have won championship(s) since he became captain, so that's a major difference right there. But I get where this question is coming from: Pretty-boy Brady just signed a $12 million deal to endorse Stetson cologne. Pretty-boy Jeter has his own brand of cologne called, I believe, One-Step Range To The Left. (Whoops, Google informs me it's called Driven. Close enough, I say.) Anyway, here's the difference. Stetson goes for a rugged, masculine image, something out of the wild west. Driven is produced by Avon, which caters to girly-girls, blue-haired grannies, and Yankee infielders. Edge, Stetson, though if they make Brady wear a stupid cowboy hat or cuddle a friggin' goat like GQ did, we'll have no choice but to call it a draw.

From reader Kevin J.: Dreaming that there is some luck of the Irish with the ping-pong balls May 22 and we're vindicated for losing out on Duncan 10 years ago, who do you take? Oden, or Durant?

Oden, without a moment's hesitation. His presence would improve the Celtics' defense so much immediately that even Gerald Green might look like a competent defender with Oden watching his back. Listen, I love Durant and he'd be hell of a consolation prize in the No. 2 slot, but the claims that he's a once-in-a-generation player are more than a little hyperbolic. He'll be a great scorer in the NBA, a perennial All-Star who combines some of the best attributes of Tracy McGrady, Carmelo Anthony, and Dirk Nowitzki. But Oden is a game-changer on defense, an undeniable presence whom you can see eventually anchoring a championship team. He is the franchise player this franchise is desperate for.

From Petey M., Flushing, N.Y.: Where you been, man?

Hibernating. To be honest, I've been overwhelmed with some real-world stuff lately, including having a tree wipe out the power lines in our neighbor's yard, leaving us without power without 3 1/2 days. Let's just say I'm a lot more sympathetic to Nicholson's character in "The Shining" after that experience. The Fox column (latest edition here, if you didn't see it) also has interfered with my blogging productivity more than I thought it would. But now that we have lights and electricity and such, I vow to be a more consistent correspondent over the next few weeks, particularly since the Boston.com affiliation/link should be starting up soon.

From reader Jeff P.: Keep running all the dolled-up pictures of Jenna Fisher [sic] you want, Finn. You'll never convince me she's anything more than plain, especially by Hollywood standards. She does do a good job on the show though ... so what do you think will happen in the final episodes? Will she hook up with Halpert or what?

First of all, People magazine disagrees with you, Steve, and yes, I'm glad to see they received all of my letters of nomination. Second, Stevie Wonder called, and he wants his retinas back. (I know, that's a comeback only Costanza could love. So sue me.) Anyway, here are a few predictions for the season's final three episodes:

• Jan reveals she's pregnant with a Michael Scott spawn: Terrifying twist, huh? A couple of the cast members have mentioned that Jan will have a major life change soon, and I can't help but remember that she kept saying she felt queasy in the episode at the boss's house. I am a little surprised they'd play the baby card so soon, though.

• Karen will be offered a corporate job in New York, and Jim will have decide whether to stay or go: The gorgeous Rashida Jones, who's done the near impossible by making Karen immensely likable as the woman standing between Pam and Jim, landed a lead role in a pilot on Fox, and reportedly will only be on The Office on occasion next year, if it all. Sending her to New York seems to be a convenient way for the writers to ease out her character while causing a compelling cliffhanger at the season's end.

• Pam will tell Jim exactly how she feels: For all of Michael's antics and Dwight's beet-and-Angela-loving weirdness and Jim's prankster geniality, good-hearted Pam is the show's fulcrum, and the underlying theme this season has been her quest to overcome her fear of rejection and summon the strength to take some chances and get what she wants out of life. The show's savvy writers have a talent for taking us in a perfectly believable direction that we didn't see coming, but it's difficult not to assume that everything that has occured this season (the reconciliation and final breakup with Roy, her overhearing Oscar's snarky comments at the art show about her not being honest with herself) is setting up a situation in which she takes the ultimate chance and puts her heart on the line for Jim. In fact, given Jenna Fischer's habit of subtly tipping off her blog readers to upcoming crucial Jim/Pam moments, we can probably pinpoint the episode when it will happen, considering she recently wrote this: "The episode not to be missed is Beach Day [May 10]. Seriously. Don't miss it."

From my own simple mind: Anything else you wanted to add, dummy?

Just this: While I wasn't a Hardy Boys savant and never imagined that Mo Lucas and Billy Ray Bates were my friends (though I did feel a certain kinship with Kevin Kunnert), my experience with David Halberstam's "The Breaks of the Game" was remarkably similar to Hollywood Sports Guy's remembrance today. "Breaks," Halberstam's compelling, meticulous account of the post-Walton Portland Trail Blazers and the addled NBA of the late '70s, was one of the first grown-up books I ever read, and I love it as much today as I did when I was 13 years old. (The Swen Nater/Sidney Wicks airport scene is worth the cover price alone.) When I heard the terribly sad news that Halberstam, a far more accomplished writer and journalist than anyone who attempted to pay tribute to him, was killed in a car accident early this week at age 73, I immediately thought of "Breaks," my affection for that book, and my admiration of the man who wrote it. I'll make the effort to read it again soon, my own silly little flashback/homage. If you haven't read it yourself, please do, particularly if you've enjoyed Halberstam's other renowned sports books like "The Summer of '49" or "October, 1964." There's no book I'd recommend more.

As for today's Completely Random Football Card:


Sparks was a pretty decent corner for the Giants and the Cowboys in the '90s, but mark these words: his 17-year-old daughter is going to be more famous and have a more lucrative and successful career than her pop ever did. While beatboxing Blake Lewis remains my boy on American Idol, I have to admit my wife was right all along: Jordin Sparks is the class of this year's underwhelming crop of contenders, and she deserves to win the thing, something Mrs. TATB was saying when Entertainment Weekly was putting Jordin's odds of winning at something like 100-1. The girl can sing the hell out of just about any song, and unlike some of AI's better vocalists through the years, she has the right look. Her old man - who, frighteningly, is only six months older than me - surely must be prouder of her than of anything he ever accomplished on the football field.

Don't mock me

Ten free minutes for me, 10 free dispatches from mom's basement for you . . .


1. In his latest mock draft, Mel Kiper Jr. has the Patriots selecting Ole Miss linebacker Patrick Willis at 24, then landing Florida safety Reggie Nelson at 28. While I'm slightly wary of Gator safeties - Are you out there? Tony George? Is that you, Guss Scott? - Nelson sounds like the real deal, and I think I've made it pretty clear here that Willis is TATB's annual draft binky. Unfortunately, pretty much every other mock draft has workout warrior Willis long gone before the Patriots pick, and the last time Kiper was right about the Pats on draft day, I think they selected Reggie Dupard. Hell, Kiper's still scratching his man-bouffant over the Logan Mankins pick.

2. Given that I can look out the window and still see a home run Vernon Wells hit off him in August accelerating toward the moon, I'm not quite ready to trust Josh Beckett just yet. But damn, when he's throwing three nasty pitches for strikes, as he's done all spring, I can't help but wonder if he'll emerge as a force in his second year in Boston.

3. I'm not going to pretend I'm an accomplished NBA scout like, say, Marty Blake or Bill Simmons, but for this slightly-more-than-casual hoops fan, there sure have been some fun revelations in the tournament this year. Georgetown's Jeff Green isn't the quickest player on the court, but the ball always seems to find him in the big moments, and I love his slashing game. And while his behemoth teammate, Roy Hibbert, probably won't amount to much more than space-filler in the NBA because of his plodding ways, he's smart and a deft passer who deserves praise for making himself into a legitimate player. There are NBA teams who would be glad to have Ohio State freshman Mike Conley Jr. running their offense right now, and I'm even coming around on Florida's Joakim Noah, whose relentless hustle and shrewd court sense might help him become something more than the NBA role player I thought he'd be. The Final Four should be a blast.

4. As for Durant or Oden? Give me Oden, and without a moment's hesitation. Oh, I do love Durant, and believe he'll be an amalgam of Kevin Garnett and Carmelo Anthony in the NBA, a perennial All-Star, a potential scoring champ. But I think NBA history makes it apparent that a franchise big guy is a far more valuable commodity that a franchise wing player. Oden's performance in the tournament, epitomized by his game-saving volleyball spike of a block at the end of the Tennessee game, has left me with no doubt that he will eventually be a franchise player in the NBA, and a dominating defender from Day 1.

5. As fun as it's been to watch Durant and Oden find superstardom, my two all-time favorite freshmen remain Chris Jackson (LSU, '89) and Kenny Anderson (Georgia Tech, '90). Forget about the slugs they became in the NBA. If you saw them in college, you understand.

6. Anyone who's wondering why ESPN would dump Joe Theismann and replace him with Ron Jaworski on "Monday Night Football" is forgetting three important facts. 1) Jaws was nothing short of terrific in Week 1 last season when he and Dick Vermeil were the analysts for the second MNF game of the season-opening doubleheader. 2) He has terrific chemistry with Tony Kornheiser during his guest spots on "PTI," and it's a reasonable gamble to assume that will transfer to the broadcast booth. 3) Theismann was humorless, never shut the **** up, rarely made an insightful point, and contradicted himself constantly. But other than that, he was great.

7. If there's anything we've learned about Rick Pitino, it's that when he says he's not interested in the Kentucky job, there's a pretty good chance he's interested in the Kentucky job. I do think his slippery protege, Billy Donovan, gets first dibs, though.

8. His Idiot's Guide To Plagiarism was one thing, but yesterday's suggestion that the Celtics might want to consider trading for pretty-close-to-untouchable Jazz star Carlos Boozer made it official: Butch Stearns has officially passed Steve Burton as the frontrunner for our annual TV Sports Dude Who Was Most Likely Dropped On His Head As An Infant award. Stay tuned.

9. Quick programming note: Starting next week, TATB will be writing a weekly column for FoxSports.com in the Nine Innings format. (The kicker: It's not Red Sox-related. You mean there are other teams?) Also, it looks like we'll have some sort of affiliation with Boston.com soon, and we've got a few other cool freelance things going on as well that we'll let you in on once they become semi-official. My point: Please check the other stuff out, and thanks for making it all possible.

10. As for today's Completely Random Baseball Card:


So I fire off a Google search for "baseball card," and ol' Wilbur here is the first thing to come up. Yep, that's what I call random.

That's the best Aquafina I've ever had, bro

Ten free minutes for me, 10 free goodies from Michael Vick's hidden compartment for you . . .

1. We'd be remiss if we didn't offer a tip of the dirty cap to Trot Nixon, whose 14-season tenure with the Red Sox organization officially came to an end today when he signed a one-year, $3 million deal with Cleveland. Trot was never one of our personal favorites - we thought his Dirt Dog persona allowed him to get away with certain flaws and blunders that other, less-gritty types were incessantly harangued for - but we have always respected him for how much he genuinely appreciated playing for the Red Sox. And as Roger Clemens, Jason Marquis, or Rich Harden can tell you, he's had his share of unforgettable moments. We're not disappointed he's gone, but given that he was one of The 25 (only eight remain, sadly), the least we can do is wish him well.

2. It's not only "SportsCenter" that gives an inordinate amount of air and space to sports' most prolific idiots - apparently, the Forum-For-Morons philosophy in Bristol also applies to ESPN The Magazine, which managed to cram features about Albert Haynesworth, Ron Artest, and Bode Miller into it's last edition. (What, was T.O. unavailable?) The biggest upset of all wasn't that all three are (sob) misunderstood, but that Haynesworth (a divorce-bound psycho) receives some words of encouragement during a random encounter with a Lamborghini-driving Rodney Harrison at a Waffle House in Atlanta. Read that last sentence again, and I'll bet you find yourself asking the same three questions I did: 1) Rodney Harrison drives a Lamborghini? 2) Rodney Harrison hangs out at Waffle House? 3) Why the hell was Rodney Harrison doing driving his Lamborghini to a Waffle House in Atlanta during the middle of the season? It's almost too much for my pea brain to comprehend.

3. We tend to avoid linking to You Tube videos around here, mostly because we tend to skip them without a second thought when we see them on other sites. But because I'm running low on time and topics tonight, I figured I'd imbed a couple on here that readers have sent me in recent days, with the seal of approval that they are worth your time. Hey, we never said we were consistent.

The first was sent along a couple days ago from one of my old cohorts at the Concord Monitor, and let's just say it's the most damning evidence yet that the Chargers have no business yelping about another team's lack of class:



The second video here is to the trailer for the upcoming Will Ferrell movie "Blades of Glory," which looks from this angle to be the figure skating version of "Talledega Nights" - in other words, it can't miss. This clip was sent along by one of the film's marketing people, and I'm putting it on here even though he couldn't deliver on my offer to run it only if he introduced me to a certain one of the film's co-stars. Hmm, I guess we don't have as much clout in Hollywood as we thought:



4. I'm only about three-quarters through it after opening the cover yesterday, but I can say without hesitation that Jack McCallum's ":07 Seconds Or Less," an insider's account of the 2005-'06 Phoenix Suns, is the most enjoyable and insightful NBA book I've read since first devouring David Halberstam's timeless "The Breaks of the Game" 20-something years ago. I'm an NBA guy, but this book has confirmed my suspicion that the league would be infinitely more entertaining and aesthetically pleasing if there were, oh, 25 more coaches like Mike D'Antoni. (Cloning Steve Nash wouldn't be a bad idea, either.) Seriously, check it out, and while you're at it, pick up "Unfinished Business," McCallum's first foray into the season-with-a-team genre about the 1990-'91 Celtics. It's worth it for the Bird and McHale anecdotes alone.

5. Color us mildly intrigued by the Sox's signing of journeyman outfielder Alex Ochoa. I know that's not exactly a ringing endorsement, but I was surprised to learn upon checking out his numbers on baseball-reference.com that he was a .279 hitter overall in his eight big-league seasons, and he hit lefties at a .287 clip. Factor in that he has one of the best outfield arms in the game, and I'm wondering if his arrival suggests that Wily Mo Pena isn't long for Boston.

6. Greg Oden looks so old, I'm pretty sure he played alongside Dr, J on the Virginia Squires . . . Greg Oden looks so old, he could play LeBron's gramps in those Nike ads . . . Greg Oden looks so old, I'm wondering if he and Clifford Ray have ever been seen in the same room together . . . all right, I think I've got a season's worth of lame Oden's Age jokes out of my system now . . .

7. . . . in a related note, the Celtics have 12 wins at the moment. Doing some quick math here on my abacus, that means I hope they finish with no fewer than 70 losses. Paul Pierce can take the rest of the season off for all I care. The best thing to happen to the franchise would be to tank this season, cross their fingers for a little luck with the ping-pong balls, and land a true franchise player such as Oden (who's no sure thing to leave Ohio State) or Texas's phenomenal freshman Kevin Durant. We might as well face it - getting a certified future superstar on draft night is their only chance to escape from this dull cycle of mediocrity.

8. Can't say I blame Notre Dame wide receiver Jeff Samardzija for choosing his burgeoning pitching career with the Cubs over the chance to be a first-round pick in this year's NFL - it's hard to fault anyone for wanting to walk at age 50. But Samardzija, who drew comparisons to ex-Bronco Ed McCaffrey because . . . well, because he's tall, white, and pretty damn good, is a player the Kipers of the world had pegged going to the Patriots late in the first round. And considering the kid's Charlie Weis endorsement, that might have made some sense. I am curious if he will be selected at all - who knows, by the time the draft rolls around in April, he might be done with baseball after Lou Piniella blows his arm out in spring training.

9. All right, people, convince me it's not going to come down to Vinatieri. Because right now I just can't shake the feeling that ol' No. 4 is destined to decide this thing.

10. As for today's Completely Random Football Card:

Should the Colts and Saints prevail this Sunday, Peyton's Stage Daddy will be more ubiquitous than Rachael Ray over the next two weeks. And no one wants that.

Saturday night's all right for fighting

Quick thoughts while wondering if Bridget Moynihan will get "Moving the Chains" from Santa . . .

• Carmelo Anthony is probably my NBA favorite player to watch. His image may be hip-hop, but his offensive game is decidedly old-school, especially his gorgeous high-arcing midrange jumper. And his immense talent is exceeded only by his charisma - the kid's got the easiest smile since Magic. So it is with some semblance of disappointment that I must admit the truth: Anthony a damn fool, and I put it that mildly only because I'm trying to avoid language that some might find offensive. The evidence that there's something sinister behind Anthony's smile has been mounting for some time now: His appearance in the underground "Stop snitching" video in his old Baltimore neighborhood was alarming at best, and he's had his share of maturity issues with coaches and teammates in Denver. But last night was the final piece of evidence necessary to convince this jury. There simply is no justification for his brawl-escalating sucker punch of the Knicks' Mardy Collins last night. A player of his stature should be above that. It's another black-eye for the league in the lingering wake of the unforgettable Detroit-Indiana brawl, it's going to devastate Anthony's when David Stern nails with at least a 10-game suspension, and it ruins what's left of his reputation as one of the league's signature players. What a fool. What a shame.

• I know they've won five in a row, and the never-ending Iverson rumors seem to have unified them as a team. Still, after watching Greg Oden do his man-against-boys thing today in Ohio State's decimation of Cincinnati, I'd just as soon the Celtics tank it, pray the ping-pong balls bounce their way, and position themselves to land the NBA's next great center. He's that good.

• My record of predicting Patriots games this season is about as pathetic as the Texans' won-lost record, so take this with a shaker full of salt, but . . . well, I'm nervous as hell about today's game. I worry that Vince Wilfork's absence will leave a massive running lane through the heart of the Patriots' defense. I worry that Andre Johnson will find the Patriots' decimated defensive backfield to his liking. I worry that David Carr will play at least as well as his fellow Class of '02 draft bust Joey Harrington did a week ago. And I worry about the ability of Tom Brady and the Misfits to move the ball with any effectiveness if Laurence Maroney and Ben Watson are in street clothes. Do I think the Pats will win? Even in their wounded and weary state, I'd never bet against them against a subpar opponent. But this game isn't going to be the automatic "W" it appeared to be when we first glanced at the schedule, and frankly, they could really use an easy one right about now..

• If you ever wondered why Gabe Kapler was so popular at Fenway despite his feeble production, well, we're going to pretend it's not because the chicks dug his pecs. Instead, we like to believe the reason he probably accumulated more standing ovations than homers in his Sox career is because Kapler understood and appreciated what it meant to wear the Red Sox uniform, and articulated that understanding and appreciation remarkably well. Consider his thoughtful comments upon announcing his retirement to take a minor league managing gig in the Sox system:

"I have been thinking about this transition for many years, and believe this to be the right time. This will afford me the opportunity to make an impact in the lives of young men, not only to help them develop as baseball players, but also more importantly, as human beings. I had ample opportunity to continue my playing career, but feel that I can give so much more as a manager and a leader. I feel this decision will be extraordinarily fulfilling to me personally and professionally and look forward to tackling the challenges that lie ahead. I am ecstatic that the Red Sox, which I think is the best organization in baseball, believe in me enough to give me this opportunity. I see the minor leagues not only as a place where I can learn and develop, but I'm going to be rewarded emotionally and spiritually. To have an extreme impact on somebody's life can be much more powerful than hitting a home run."

Yup, I'm pretty sure that's exactly the way Casey Stengel would have put it. Something tells me Kapler is going to do all right for himself in his new career path.

• Man, Gerry Callahan's snide browbeating of Julio Lugo a few mornings ago sure did an effective job of turning me into a Lugo fan. Someone needs to tell the 'EEI zeppelins that Lugo was found not guilty of assaulting his now-ex-wife, and I'd say it's a credit to his character that he was given custody of their children. This is not Wil Cordero, people. I'm not sure why the Sox are so enthralled with him as a ballplayer, but the least we can do is give the person a chance.


• I'm still wondering who's going to be coming out the 'pen with a one-run lead in the bottom of the ninth, but for now I'll give Theo Epstein his props for culling together a relatively deep relief corps by buying low on some previously successful pitchers. Brendan Donnelly likely would be voted Most Likely to Be Found With Sandpaper Taped To His Glove should such a poll be put to his peers, but he's been a very effective setup guy for the Angels through the years, and consistent middle relievers (that's practically an oxymoron) usually cost more than the likes of Phil Seibel. As for J.C. Romero, he's got control problems, both in terms of stuff and temperament, but he's been overpowering in the past, and even during his struggles with the Angels last season, he still retired lefty hitters at around an 80 percent clip. He's worthy of at least a look, and he could end up being a bargain.

• It's funny, but I seem to get just as many comments and emails about "The Office" nowadays as I do about the Sox and Pats. At first I wasn't quite sure what to make of it - the last thing I want is to turn it into my own personal "The O.C./90210," if you get my drift - but I'm pleased to know that so many other people are into this brilliantly written and acted show; it's criminally underrated, both by the Nielsen boxes and the awards shows. (When will John Krasinski get some respect for his nuanced performance as heartbroken good-guy Jim? Or how about an Emmy nod for Rainn Wilson, who becomes Dwight Schrute? And I'm guessing you know how our heart races for the radiant Jenna Fischer, who plays Pam with an irresistible balance of sweetness and subversiveness.) This week's episode, "A Benihana Christmas," was as pitch-perfect as any in Season 3, from Dwight's Christmas miracle . . . to Michael's "bold" Photoshop blunder . . . to Jim's revealing pep-talk . . . to Michael "marking" the waitress . . . to Karen and Pam teaming up to take down Angela. This show is so consistently, gut-bustingly hilarious, I almost forget about the underlying theme of loneliness. You might even say it gives me goosebumps.