Little big man

Ten free minutes for me, 10 free Dana Jacobson bleep-faced rants for you . . .


1. Remember when Kevin Faulk couldn't nudge aside a decaying Terry Allen to become the Patriots' feature back? Remember a few years later when he lost his third-down role to temporary hero J.R. Redmond? Remember when you cringed every time he carried the ball because it seemed like he fumbled in every big situation? Remember when Kevin Faulk wasn't nearly as dependable, clutch, admired, smart, tough, respected, and downright essential as he his now, in his ninth NFL season? Talk about a player who has redeemed himself, not only on the field but in the eyes of the fans. He's the heir apparent to Troy Brown as the team's designated Beloved Overachiever, and it's to his endless credit that he has arrived at this point in his career after such a maddening start.

2. It kills me how the ESPN hairdos and other would-be contrarians, in their desperation to find a way the Giants can stop the Patriots, repeatedly cite the 1990 Bills and the 2001 Rams as two historically great offenses who were defeated in the Super Bowl. I mean, c'mon - shouldn't it be obvious, even to the multi-concussed likes of Merril Hoge, what the common denominator was in those two games?

3. Let's see: Mike Vrabel allegedly tried to leg whip Philip Rivers in the AFC title game, Rodney Harrison's list of dastardly transgressions is long and distinguished, and I'd be tempted to side with Richard Seymour against Nick Hardwick's claim of cheap play if only he hadn't been caught stomping on the Colts' Tarik Glenn last season. If the Pats aren't careful, they're going to get the reputation as a dirty team. Which, frankly, is fine by me.

4. Philip Rivers yaps way more than a quarterback of his limited talent and accomplishment should, but after watching him gut it out against the Pats on a messed-up knee while LaDainian Tomlinson passed the biggest game of his career by brooding in his Haz-Mat suit on the bench, I know who I'd respect more in that huddle from here on out.

5. A pleasant dilemma for Danny Ainge: Should he sign Damon Stoudamire once his buyout with the Grizzlies becomes official, or should he gamble and hope that the superior Sam Cassell - a good buddy of KG's and proven postseason performer - becomes available in a similar fashion a few weeks down the road? I think I vote for the latter, though the risk is that Stoudamire signs elsewhere, Cassell doesn't become available, and we're stuck watching the likes of Tony Allen pass, punt, and kick the ball upcourt in a playoff game when Rajon Rondo is on the bench.


6. I suppose the man Bill Parcells christened "Beach Ball" deserves credit for being honest about who he's pulling for this week. To put this delicately, DeOssie doesn't strike me as a guy who always put family before football, but he wouldn't be the first person to get his priorities straight as he grew older.

7. Damn. Talk about seeing a ghost. A few days ago, I watched that '86 Maryland/North Carolina game on ESPN Classic - you know the game I mean, for it's remembered as Bias's definitive performance - and I was reminded yet again how easily the memories of his death come rushing back. Yeah, I'll probably check out the movie. But I doubt I'll see anything that wasn't permanently burned into my mind when I was 16 years old and devastated.

8. The closer we get to spring training, the closer I get to officially becoming concerned that Terry Francona doesn't have the lucrative, long-term contract he deserves. Here's hoping this is something Theo's getting done under the cover of darkness, and it'll be announced when we're not expecting it.

9. Best wishes to Tom Coughlin with your extensive skin-graft surgery, and here's hoping you don't come out looking like the Cat Lady. Seriously, by the end of the NFC Championship Game, he looked like a cross between the Snow Miser and Fire Marshall Bill. Couldn't he have at least worn some ear muffs?

10. As for today's Completely Random Hockey Card:


I pay about as much attention to hockey as I do to "The View," but I'm fairly certain the Bruins' coach looks nothing like this nowadays.

Pregame jitters

Well, sure, of course I'm nervous. Nervous that Shawne Merriman and Shaun Phillips will get their share of cracks at Tom Brady, especially since Matt Light and Nick Kaczur both had a touch of flu this week. Nervous that Darren Sproles will blow past the Pats' aging linebackers just as he did against Indy's faster unit a week ago. Nervous that Chris Chambers and Vincent Jackson will win more than their share of jump balls against the Pats' shrimpy cornerbacks.

Nervous about the impossibly high stakes of this game, and the legacy as the Undisputed Greatest Team Ever that depends upon a victory today and another in two weeks. I want this so bad I can feel it. I can't imagine how wild this must be for the players.

But mostly it's those good kind of nerves, the ones you have when you're on the brink of something special or fun or meaningful. You'd think we'd become jaded after watching the Pats make it to five AFC championship games this decade, that playing for a trip to the Super Bowl wouldn't seem as special as it did in, say, '96 or '01. Yet after all this team has accomplished in the Bill Belichick Era, I'm glad to report that making it to this moment and anticipating what's to come still gets the butterflies dancing in the belly.

Besides, it's a mistake to confuse nervousness with a lack of confidence. While you have to respect the Chargers, not only for what they did to the Colts last weekend but for the depth of talent on their roster, I can't convince myself that a team coached by Norv Turner and quarterbacked by Billy Volek or the insufferable Philip Rivers is going to win a big game against Bill Belichick and Brady. The Patriots have an enormous advantage at head coach and quarterback. I imagine you probably knew that, huh?

And while it's natural to be nervous about those potential plot twists I mentioned in the first paragraph, the truth is the Chargers have much, much more to be worried about. With Antonio Gates and LaDainian Tomlinson looking iffy, the offense could be without its two best playmakers, though I have to admit I have major questions about LT's toughness after he missed the rest of the Indy game with what turned out to be a minor injury. There are no questions about the toughness of the Chargers' defense - but there are plenty about their personnel. Antonio Cromartie is a terrific cornerback, which by my accounting means that San Diego has exactly one high-quality defensive back. I just cannot see them slowing the Patriots' passing game whatsoever. Even if Randy Moss's mind is still on the dreaded Consensual Horseplay Scandal, he will have his moments. Plus, no one has stopped Wes Welker yet, and Drayton Florence sure as hell won't be the first. Spectacularly and efficiently, the Pats will get their points.

I do realize that the Chargers come into this with nothing to lose, which makes them all the more dangerous. The victory over the Colts already gives them a season-defining, feel-good theme for the NFL Films highlight reel; there's really no pressure on them. They should be loose and confident, and you know Merriman, Stephen Cooper, and friends will be jabbering and smack-talking from the time they arrive at the stadium. Which, precisely, is why it would nice, if not quite imperative, for the Pats to jump to an early 10-0 or 14-0 lead, just to remind the Chargers, hardly the mentally toughest team in the league, who they're dealing with and that the cause is hopeless.

But even if they don't silence the Chargers early, you know they will do it eventually.

Patriots, 37-17.

Next up, a trip to Arizona. Where history awaits.

Things I should have mentioned

I still have no idea how Antonio Gates was limited to six catches for 61 yards? I heard Artrell Hawkins say "We accounted for him at all times," but that explanation is hardly revealing any tactics or strategy. Who's the unsung hero here?

And in what is probably a related note, you can't help but be completely impressed with Hawkins and James Sanders, who came into this season as the No. 3 and No. 4 safeties on the depth chart. If I'm Eugene Wilson, I'm nervous about my status on this team at the moment.

So let's get this straight: LaDainian Tomlinson is pissed off and offended because the Patriots acted like . . . the Chargers? That moron Merriman's ridiculous dance: acceptable form of celebration. Mocking it after he talked smack all week and didn't back it up: unacceptable form of celebration. Hmmm, interesting way of looking at it. I'm sorry to say this because he's just about the best running back I've ever seen, but in Sunday's postgame, L.T. put the "ass" in "class."

Matt Light earned every last dollar of his contract in this one. Given his troubles against a certain All-World end from Miami this season, it's easy to pigeonhole him as a plodding, mid-level tackle who has trouble with speedrushers. But the reality is he's had his moments against Jason Taylor and Dwight Freeney through the years, and he handled Merriman solo more often than not Sunday. Hey, you don't win three Super Bowls with a stiff at left tackle.

How do you know when a team is truly well-coached? Well, one telling sign is when the 53d man on the roster has the good sense to avoid trying to dive on a botched punt and instead has the presence of mind to annihilate the return man, thus allowing the oncoming swarm to have a clean shot at the loose ball. That's exactly what punt-team gunners are taught to do, and apparently Antwain Spann is a pretty decent student.

I was under the impression the Chargers were the best team the Pats have played during this six-year run, but Belichick said today during his WEEI appearance that the '01 Rams were far and away the most talented opponent. I guess you kind of forget that Marshall Faulk was more or less the Tomlinson of his time.

Man, I had the same feeling after yesterday's win that I had after the first Super Bowl: total elation. It's okay to still be savoring this, right? So before we move on to the Colts, one final question: Where does this victory rank in your mind? Is it bigger than any of the postseason wins over Pittsburgh or Indy? Is it - dare I suggest? - more enjoyable than any of the Super Bowl wins? Let me know your take. As you can tell, I'm still trying to put the game into perspective.

TATB live: Dynasty vs. Martyball

I've got my good-luck old-school Pat Patriot shirt on, the Sam Adams is cold and plentiful, and that just-completed Bears-Seahawks game made for one hell of an opening act.

It's all good. Well, almost all of it. I've got but one minor request . . . could someone please tell mushmouth Shannon Sharpe and his CBS studio cohorts to SHUT THE $($*$* UP SO WE CAN START THE GAME!! IT'S ALREADY 4:39 AND I'VE BEEN READY FOR SOME *$#*#* FOOTBALL SINCE, OH, 4:32 P.M. LAST SUNDAY! LET'S GO ALREADY!! WHILE WE'RE YOUNG!!!

(And as if on cue, here's Jim Nantz, with his patented smarmy intro: "There are only five teams remaining in the chase for the Lombardi Trophy . . . blah blah blah Tomlinson blah blah sunny skies blah blah Belichick and Brady." I can't even focus. I'm honestly feeling the butterflies in the gut. I smell a classic.)

(And of course, my wife is jacked and pumped as well: "This is going to be a LONG night. Sigh. This had better be over in time for Desperate Housewives." Trust me, by the end of this game, she's going to be one.)

FIRST QUARTER
The Chargers get the rock first, and Tomlinson sprints left for 11 yards the first time he touches the ball. Not a good omen - the Patriots' ability to contain perhaps the best running back in NFL history is obviously of major concern today. I'm also wondering how the hell they intend to cover Antonio Gates considering Tedy Bruschi couldn't cover Hart Lee Dykes at this point. I also think Philip Rivers is going to be better than people expect. Belichick usually gets into a quarterback's head the second time he faces him rather than the first, and Rivers was the MVP of every bowl game he played in during college. This isn't indifferent Eli Manning we're talking about here. The kid is legit. (Is that Chicken Little-ish enough for you? I know, I sound like Felger.)

All right, the good ol' reverse jinx worked on the first series. The Chargers moved the ball with some success but then stalled and ended up punting to Troy Brown, who collected the fair catch inside the 9. Nantz tells us the Belichick Patriots still have never allowed a first-series score in the postseason. Amazing.

After an incompletion to The Enigmatic Ben Watson (who should have had it) and a 2-yard horseplow by Dillon, the Chargers' Clinton Hart punches a sure interception to the ground after Brady's 3rd-and-8 pass was deflected. Guess we know why Mr. Hart plays defense rather than receiver. He has Mark Blount's mitts.

Chargers get it at midfield, but Tomlinson is stuffed on his first carry, and Rivers's receivers drop two catchable balls, looking jittery in the process. Pats get it back inside the 10 again.

Man, it's surprisingly loud and raucous at Qualcomm. All the surfer dudes must have laid off the weed this morning.

We're having a delay because of play clock problems, forcing the ref (don't know who he is since it's not Guns Hochuli) to admonish the guy running it. Looks like at least someone had his weed this morning.

Third-and-3, Shawne Merriman just blew past Nick Kaczur and clocked Brady as he threw. Incomplete. Looks like at least someone had his steroids this morning.

My suspicion is that the Pats intend to use Merriman's relentless aggression against him, probably with draw plays and screen passes in his direction. But there's also a frighteningly likely chance that he'll play Reggie White to Nick Kaczur's and Matt Light's Max Lane. Someone that big has no business being that quick. It's almost like he's unnatural or something.

Is rigid old Marty Schottenheimer still coaching this team? Really? Are we sure? The Chargers are getting too cutesy. After Tomlinson (who is the most elusive back I've seen since Barry Sanders, and twice as powerful) gets the Chargers a first and 10 at the Pats 30, San Diego runs a reverse. Minus-7. Then Rivers throws deep downfield for a pair of incompletions, the second one deflected away beautifully by Ellis Hobbs. Then the Chargers go for it on fourth and 11, and Rivers is buried by Mike Vrabel. Hopefully, they'll continue to play Martz-ball rather than Marty-ball and not do the wise thing: letting LT carry them.

And the visitors take the lead. The Pats methodically advance to the San Diego 32, the key play being a third and 4 draw to Kevin Faulk (where'd he go, Merriman?) for a first down, and Stephen Gostkowski comes on to drill a 50-yarder that would have been good from another 8 yards. The kid's doing pretty good considering HE'LL NEVER BE ADAM! (Whoops, channeled Felger again. My bad. Anyway, it's 3-0, Patriots, and as the first quarter winds to a close, the apple in Schottenheimer's throat just grew larger.

SECOND QUARTER
Love those Coors Light commercials that use the old, slightly altered footage from coaches' press conferences. Think Ditka was born with a mustache?

Tomlinson seems like he's been relatively quiet , , , and then you look up from the Mac and he has over 50 yards on the ground already. Yeesh. He's come close to breaking one once or twice, but Ty Warren and Vrabel in particular have done a nice job of hemming him in along the sidelines. Have I ever mentioned that I wrote a column at the Monitor imploring the Patriots not to draft him in 2001? Wasn't too fond of Richard Seymour, either, if I recall correctly. Sometimes, I wonder why I continue to offer you further evidence of my idiocy.

Chargers and Pats swap three-and-outs. Notable is Laurence Maroney's first appearance for the Pats. I'm wondering if the strategy is to wear down the Chargers' defense with Dillon, then hit them with Maroney when they're tired. Makes sense. That's how you do it on Madden, at least.

The Chargers go for it again on fourth and 1 at the Patriots 40, and this time it pays off. Michael Turner, Tomlinson's more-than-capable backup, busts up the middle for 20 yards. Phil Simms, who I've come to appreciate after enduring too many J.C. Pearsons and Randy Crosses this season, immediately says Turner is a better inside runner than Tomlinson. I'm throwing the b.s. flag on that.

What would a playoff game be without a little controversy? We have our first debatable call when, on the play immediately following Turner's run, Rivers throws a pea to Gates at the Patriots 2. Hobbs pops the ball out while Gates is still in the air, the Patriots dive on it, and San Diego immediately challenges the call. The verdict: incomplete pass, original call overturned. I think it's the correct call, but . . . dang, that's an opportunity lost.

Rivers goes back to Gates for nine yards on the next play, sneaks on third and 1 for the first down, and then hits Lorenzo Neal out of the backfield for eight yards, taking it to the Patriots 1. Guess who gets it next? No, not Michael Turner, Phil. It's Tomlinson, who hammers in behind the left side of his line for his 32d (thirty-second! touchdown this season. It's 7-3, Chargers, and suddenly, the overturned call looms large.

Simms says the Chargers look bigger and faster than the Patriots so far. Can't argue with that - the team that is playing better is winning . . .

. . . and just as I'm writing that last sentence, Brady throws one right into Donnie Edwards's breadbasket, No. 12's first interception in 168 attempts. (Insert string of expletives here.) You know it, but I suppose I'll say it anyway: The Pats simply cannot afford turnovers in this game, against this team. Brady hasn't been bad, but he needs to be better than this.

Fortunately, the Chargers do nothing with the opportunity, as Artrell Hawkins does a fine Rodney Harrison imitation and buries Rivers on a third-down blitz.

A montage of Schottenheimer's most painful playoff losses! Hang on, this could take a while . . .

(There's Elway . . . the drive!)

(And Byner . . . the fumble!)

(And . . . that's it? What, no Chiefs lowlights? . . . No Chargers' loss to the Jets? . . . Hmm, must be saving them for later.)

Pats go three-and-out again. There is 4:34 remaining in the half, and Brady is 4 of 12, with a rating below 10.0. Forget what I said a minute ago: He has been bad.

Simms: "We're starting to see some of the reasons why the Chargers were 14-2 in the regular season." Man, are we. Tomlinson catches a screen, fakes Hawkins out of his Nikes, blows past the Patriots' calcifying-before-our-eyes linebacking corps, and zips 58 yards to the Pats 10. On the next play, Turner takes it in, and looks positively Tomlinsonesque in doing so. It's 14-3, San Diego, and I'm beginning to wonder if a postmortem will be written before the fourth quarter arrives.

On the plus side, glad to see Puddy is getting work. Too bad David Spade has to be involved. No one's liked the dirty little weasel since he skipped out on Chris Farley's funeral.

Tomlinson has 143 total yards. The Patriots have 79. Draw whatever conclusions from that you wish.

Brady, now working out of the shotgun, makes his best throw of the day, hitting Jabar Gaffney for 17.5 yards on second and 17. With 24 seconds left in the half, Brady pegs Caldwell on third and 5, getting inside the San Diego 20. A touchdown is a necessity here.

Gaffney gets out of bounds at the 11 . . . 13 seconds left . . .

Donnie Edwards, unabated to the QB, advancing the Pats to the 6 . . .

And Brady, like he's done so many times before, salvages the half and very possibly the Patriots' hopes. Rolling left while sidestepping the San Diego swarm, he caps the drive by hitting Gaffney at the back of the end zone, and the Chargers head to halftime with the lead, 14-10, but none of the momentum. It's worth noting here that Schottenheimer looks like he's passing an anvil.

Quick thoughts at halftime: Brady has attempted 19 passes without being sacked. Merriman had better be sticking a needle in his ass right now . . . Boomer Esiason said the Patriots need to keep this close just to give "the greatest clutch quarterback of his generation" a shot at winning it at the end. I'm pretty sure he didn't mean Philip Rivers . . . Have I mentioned I think Boomer is damn good at his job? I never thought an ex-Jet would be so adept at analyzing the Patriots, but he's excellent . . . I want to see more Maroney in the second half, and I want the Pats to go to the spread offense more often if No. 39 isn't involved . . . I also hope Tomlinson decides at halftime to pull a Tiki Barber and decide what he really wants to do is be the next Matt Lauer, but I suppose I shouldn't hold my breath on that one.

THIRD QUARTER
Pats start out with lousy field position, and do nothing to improve it. I was hoping Todd Sauerbrun would take the second half off, but here he is again.

Okay, sorry for the brief hiatus there - it was dinnertime, and I don't miss too many of those. The chef served a delicious paprika chicken with a side order of rice and a Sam Adams Winter Lager. Four stars. Highly recommended. Anyway, with one eye on the TV, I saw: Brady's second bad interception of the game . . . a couple of closeups of Chargers d-lineman Luis Castillo, one of three proven steroid users on their defense (backup linebacker Stephen Cooper was caught with a bag full of goodies while at UMaine - the Chargers are like the Bash Brothers of the NFL) . . . a San Diego drive that went backward after advancing deep into Patriots' territory . . . a sack by James Sanders, who I still think it Lawyer Milloy every time I see No. 36 . . . and a great goal line save by the Chargers' Kasim Osgood to pin the Pats inside the 5 . . . time for another Drive, Marty.

Troy Brown, first down. How many times has Gil Santos said that over the years?

Draw play to Faulk on third and 4. Worked once . . . didn't work twice. Where the hell is Maroney, anyway?

Sauerbrun kills one, the Chargers' punt retuner (the name escapes me . . . Little Train James, perhaps?) tries catching it like it's on fire, and David Thomas recovers. Let this be the game-changing break we've been awaiting. Pats' ball at the San Diego 30.

Brady takes an ill-advised shot at the end zone, and a double-covered Watson rescues him from another pick, ripping the ball out of Cooper's hands.

Third and 13. Brady is creamed on a blitz, loses the ball, and the Pats fall on it. Drive over? Nope, thanks to some rockheaded Charger named Drayton Florence. After the play is over, he taunts Daniel Graham, then thinks it's a really swell idea to emphasize his point by headbutting him. Personal foul, first down, Patriots. Thank you, moron in blue.

It would be really cool if the Patriots could make some forward progress here. Brady just shortarmed a wide-open Watson at the 5.

Gostkowski. Bleepin' icewater, as Don Zimmer would say. (Of course, he said it about the terrified Bobby Sprowl . . . oh, forget it.) Anyway, the rookie nails his second field goal, it's 14-13, Bolts, and Schottenheimer was last seen fashioning a noose on the sidelines.

"Tina's here, we're getting back together!"
"Give us a minute!"
(Love the Geico cavemen.)

Gostkowski. Kick out of bounds. Chargers ball at the 40. No icewater to be found.

Merriman (0 sacks today) is in the lockerroom, apparently with cramps. Doesn't he know he's supposed to drink lots of water with his anabolic lunch?

With the Chargers gradually moving the ball in Patriots' territory, Rosey Colvin (who has been in the backfield all day) makes perhaps the defensive play of the season, reaching up over his shoulder to deflect and then intercept Rivers's floater toward the flat. He gets bonus points for holding on to the ball despite being hauled down by his facemask. Stay classy, San Diego.

FOURTH QUARTER
Brady is suddenly under siege, but he finds Gaffney (7 catches) near midfield with a perfect sideline throw. They have to score here.

Brady to Caldwell, then Brady to Gaffney . . . and on 3rd and 1, Brady's pass to Gaffney is busted up by Antonio (Don't Call Me Warren) Cromartie like he knew it was coming. Fourth and 1. Cue Keanu Reeves voice: What do you do? What do YOU do?

The Pats punt. I guess Belichick has never seen "Point Break." My initial instinct is to wish they'd gone for it. With Tomlinson on the other side, you never know how many more opportunities they'll get.

Wife: "I think the Patriots are going to win." Me, weeping gently: "Have you ever heard of a jinx?" Wife: "I'm always right about these things." We shall see. I'm contacting Alan Dershowitz just in case.

Tomlinson has 19 carries for 111 yards. With little more than 11 minutes remaining, I have a hunch he's about to increase his workload dramatically.

Asante Samuel just busted up a pass on a Rivers rollout. I think that's the first time I've heard his name today, which isn't necessarily a bad thing for a DB.

Arrrgggh. On third down, Rivers (who is just 10 for 24), hits Gates on a textbook slant, and the Chargers are inside the 40. One play later, Rivers floats one to 6-foot-5 Vincent Jackson (who scared the hell of me coming into this game), and he outleaps 5-foot-8 Hobbs for 31 yards. Tomlinson scoots in from the 3 on the next play, and it's 21-13, Chargers with 8:38 remaining. Oh, and they shouldn't have punted.

Brady's getting killed, and his receivers aren't getting open . . . with exception of Gaffney, who just beat Quintin Jammer for 17 yards. Brady must be an honorary Gator at this point.

Fourth and 5. Play of the season right here . . . and you would not believe how it played out if you didn't see it. Brady throws his third pick of the game, only to have intended receiver Troy Brown bust out his DB skills and poke the ball away from Chargers DB Marlon McCree. Patriots recover, Schottenheimer emerges from the fetal position long enough to challenge the call . . . and if this is overturned, I'm heaving this computer out the window.

The play stands. The computer survives. Pats ball at the San Diego 30, 6:16 remaining. Needless to say, they need 8 on this drive.

All right, I'll admit it: Ben Watson is an overrated stiff. No catches today, can't catch anything that isn't thrown perfectly, and just retreated inexplicably on a Brady pass in the flat. He's a NFL Combine warrior who looks the part but struggles to play it.

Gaffney just made his 10th catch of the day, good for a first-down. You'd have to say he's the best in-season singing since . . . well, since Artrell Hawkins last year.

Watson catches one. Stop the game, give him the ball. Second and goal at the 4 . . .

. . . and former Bolt bust Reche Caldwell hauls one in all alone in the corner, getting the Pats to within 2, 21-19. I'm sure that just thrills San Diego fans.

I was guessing they'd run the ol' direct snap to Faulk. I bet Charlie Weis was, too. Schottenheimer apparently was not, and this one is all even at 21-21 with slightly more than four minutes left. I've got goosebumps.

So who do you like, Gostkowski or Kaeding?

Third and 4, Chargers, at the Patriots 30-something. This would be a fine time for Samuel to get his weekly interception . . .

. . . almost. But that deflection is the second-best thing.

Simms and Nantz are kicking ass in this game. Just thought that needed to be said.

Faulk, taking punts? Yikes. I know he's had plenty of hero moments for the Pats through the years, but I will never, ever trust him with the game on the line. He hangs on this time, though, and it's Pats ball at their own 15. Time for Brady to do his thing . . . and no, wiseguy, that does not mean throwing a fourth pick.

Nantz, back to being smarmy: ". . . of course, that's not Vinatieri warming up over there." And with that, I hereby retract my previous praise of his call. Dink.

Third and 10 at the San Diego 31. Troy Brown, anyone? Or does Brady go to Jabar (Jerry Rice '07) Gaffney?

Wait, is that David Givens? No? Must be Deion Branch? Stanley Morgan? It can't be one of those useless receivers Felger is always yowling about . . . can it? Oh, but it is! On third and 10, Brady makes the throw of the day, finding the utterly useless, barely upright, lucky-he's-in-the-NFL Reche Caldwell for . . . well, for a lot of yards down the right sideline. (Edit: Turns out it was 49.) If not for a shove by the toasted Jammer that forced him to lose his balance and tiptoe out of bounds, Caldwell would have found his way to the end zone. As it is, the Patriots have first and 10 inside the 20. What. A. Ballsy. Play.

(Oh, and we're going to conveniently forget that I've whined about Caldwell and his no-name peers on occasion this season. Okay, on a lot of occasions. That's why Belichick's Belichick, Pioli's Pioli, and I'm an idiot blogger.)

Wow, three straight basic running plays - seems like they're content to settle for the field goal here, and to be honest, I'm not so comfortable with this strategy. Anyway, I guess we're getting our chance to see Gostkowski attempt a crucial kick now, a 31-yarder.

Good. Bless the kid. 24-21, Pats. And you know what? I guarantee you Adam Vinatieri is watching this one someplace and smiling.

Chargers have 70 seconds and no timeouts. Did I mention that I'm still scared of Vincent Jackson? He's about a foot taller than either Patriots corner.

Whew! Turner might have broken that return if not for the new sod. They really should get FieldTurf, you know.

Beautiful work by Rivers, moving the Chargers down to the Pats. The Charger QB's numbers can't be much today, but I'm impressed nonetheless. Eli Manning will never be as good. Oh, right . . . and the game: 8 seconds left, Kaeding attempting a 54-yarder, which would tie his career high.

The kick is up . . .

The kick is on the way . . .

The kick is . . .

The kick is . . .

The kick is . . .

NO GOOD!

He Norwooded it, ever so slightly wide right and short, and the Patriots have one of their most improbable, magical, unlikely wins in this entire amazing journey. And so New England rejoices. Gil and Gino holler in unison, "The Patriots win, THE PATRIOTS WIN!" Belichick hugs his kids and refrains from decking any photographers. Caldwell and the Patriots receivers silence all the banshees. Gostkowski gets a moment of his own, one his decorated predecessor surely would be proud of himself. And Brady . . . well, it wasn't his best game, but he just wins, baby. Would you want anyone else? Ever?

Oh, and Schottenheimer? He just gulped down his own tongue.

A partridge in a pear tree? What kind of lame gift is that?

Ten free minutes for me, 10 free lords a-leaping for you . . .

1. I don't get why so many words have been wasted on Tom Brady's Pro Bowl "snub." Peyton Manning is having a far better year, Carson Palmer has slightly better numbers, and Philip Rivers has slightly inferior numbers but quarterbacks the league's best team. They are all deserving choices. Granted, Brady has had to deal with more adversity than all of them put together, but I think anyone who his assessing his performance honestly would say this hasn't been one of his best individual seasons. Oh, he's been good, and god forbid we ever find out what life is like without him . . . but for whatever reason, he hasn't been great. Had he been chosen for the Pro Bowl, it would have been based on reputation rather than anything he's accomplished on the field in 2006. Anyway, I can't imagine he gives a damn or pays more than lip-service to the contrived "they're disrespecting us again" angle. Brady's priority has always been a certain other Bowl, the one that matters. (By the way, am I seeing things, or is that a Colts hat he's wearing in that photo?)

2. We should have a better clue as to the legitimacy of the Patriots' postseason aspirations after today's business trip to Jacksonville, where the Jack Del Rio's bipolar Jaguars tend to perform as if they're the '78 Steelers. While today's game is expected to be a street brawl - the Jags like to bring the pain - at least the Patriots aren't going into this one undermanned: My man Mike Reiss's trained eyes tell us that Laurence Maroney and Rodney Harrison appear ready to defy the injury report and play despite their questionable status, and while Vince Wilfork and Ben Watson will be observers rather than participants for the second straight week, there are encouraging signs that this injury-ravaged team is regaining some semblance of health just in time for the playoffs. If only they can just get through this one with a win . . . and no more personnel losses.

3. Two leftover thoughts on the Iverson trade. 1) I give A.I. and George Karl a month, tops, before they are on the verge of re-enacting Sprewell-Carlesimo. They're two of the most stubborn mules in the NBA, and Iverson's reckless/fearless crossover-and-chuck game will quickly offend Karl's Tar Heel sensibilities. 2. It's apparent the Celtics could have put a better package together - Joe Smith, Andre Miller, and two No. 1s is really the best Billy King could do? - but with the flashes Al Jefferson is showing, I'm glad Danny Ainge resisted the temptation. Call me a fool, but I believe in these kids. 3. 'Melo and Iverson together? Now this should be a reality show.

4. A couple of the more prominent stats wizards are predicting a major breakout for Manny Delcarmen next season, based on his improved K/BB rate in '06, and it did seem like he was making significant progress before injuring his hand and losing command of this curveball. It's fair to say he's the most likely of the Sox' unproven cadre young pitchers to contribute immediately next season, and for that reason I hope the rumors are false and he's not the pitcher who would head to the Nationals in a Wily Mo Pena-Chad Cordero swap.

5. If there is one small blessing regarding Paul Pierce's two-week injury hiatus, it's that Doc Rivers will have no choice but to play the electric (if clueless) Gerald Green until The Truth's wobbly wheel is healthy again. Judging by the Sixers debacle, things could get ugly during Pierce's absence, but at least Green will keep it interesting with a SportsCenter highlight or two.

6. File this under Stupidest Damn Thing I've Read All Year, NFL Division. It comes from a recent article by The Associated Press's Dave Goldberg on the Colts' pathetic defense. In attempting to put the six-time On Paper Super Bowl champion's flaws into context, the nation NFL writer for the nation's largest wire service offers this nugget of idiocy:

In the end, it’s just another reason why there are no dominant teams in the NFL and haven’t been for a decade.

I was so stunned when I first read it that I immediately had to read it again, just to make sure I didn't miss an addendum or a qualifier or some friggin' explanation. Something such as, ". . . excluding, of course, the three-time Super Bowl champion New England Patriots, who won 21 consecutive games, 10 straight playoff games, went 34-4 over two seasons, and must be regarded as the first true dynasty since the early '90s Dallas Cowboys." Alas, such a sentence never appeared in Goldberg's article. Weird, huh? He must have hit the delete key by accident or something, because so national football writer would be so brazen or oblivious as to completely disregard the Patriots' accomplishments . . . right?

7. The three best running backs I've ever seen, in order. 1) Earl Campbell (He ran like a pissed-off bull at Pamplona, which is probably why his prime was abbreviated - he took more kill shots than Kevin Faulk.) 2. Walter Payton (My memories of Sweetness remain so vivid, I can't really comprehend that he's been gone seven years now.) 3. LaDainian Tomlinson (If he makes a champion out of an accomplished gagger like Marty Schottenheimer, he immediately ascends to the top of the list.) Honorable mention goes to Bo Jackson, who was the greatest Bosworth-abusing combination of power, speed, charisma, and video-game invincibility we've ever seen, but was gone before you can say "Bo knows hip replacement."

8. It seems you've come to expect an obligatory "The Office" reference, so here's a YouTube clip of a recent Craig Ferguson appearance by the Official Muse of TATB, Wife Excluded. I'm searching for a "now that's a Golden Globes nominee" joke here, but frankly, I'm just not finding it.

9. I've come around on the benefits of this transaction, but it simply cannot be a good omen that J.D. Drew is ready to go on the disabled list before he even signs his contract.

10. As for today's Completely Random Football Card:


I suppose it was a better idea football-wise to bring in that roided-up idiot punter Sauerbrun, but I was hoping the Pats would sign Landeta after working him out this week. The dude is ancient. He's been around so long, he actually played in the USFL, though he really first made his name for dating Donna Rice after the Gary Hart scandal. Told you he was ancient.

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I'm hoping to write during or after today's Pats game, but I have a feeling I may be the designated Christmas Eve Errand Boy in the TATB household. So if we don't cross cyberpaths again until the New Year, I just want to offer my sincerest thanks for making this fly-by-late-night operation something I'm proud of and genuinely enjoy working on. All you readers, emailers, commenters, sportos, motorheads, sluts, bloods, geeks, wasteoids, dweebies, and $*%&heads make it worthwhile. You're all righteous dudes. So happy holidays you and yours, and be careful out there. You never know where Dontrelle Willis might be peeing on a car.

First and 10: Patriots 35, Packers 0

1. Well, that sure was a reassuring win. In many ways, the 35-0 beat-down of Brett Fav-rah and the Packers was a classic Belichick-era Patriots victory. Whenever their backs have been up against the wall and they face a must-win situation, that's when they've tended to play their very best games. Talk about an immensely valuable characteristic to have. Of course, questions still remain: Why have they been so much better on the road than at the Razor? Are they capable of playing this way against a playoff-caliber team? Is there enough depth in the defensive backfield to shut down a quarterback better than the disinterested Favre? I suppose we'll get all the answers in the coming weeks. But after Sunday, you have to feel encouraged that we're going to like what we learn about this still-resilient team.

2. Tom Brady? Injured? (Scoffs.) That's crazy talk. Man, you must have read that somewhere else. What idiot would suggest such a thing? Oh, all right, to be completely honest, I remain skeptical that he is as healthy as he claims to be. I just can't comprehend that his uncharacteristically inconsistent passing this season is simply the result of a suddenly scattershot arm. He's been so consistent for so long that you have to believe something is wrong when his radar inexplicably goes on the fritz. But if he's going to keep playing as efficiently and effectively as he did this week - now that was the Brady we've been waiting to see - I'll be glad to be proven wrong each and every Sunday, all the way to Miami.

3. It looks like the Patriots don't have much intention of signing him after the season, and he probably hasn't produced enough to justify being a first-round pick in 2002, but I think the Patriots are a better football team when Daniel Graham is healthy and involved. He remains a devastating blocker - ask Julius Peppers about the whupping Graham put on him in the Super Bowl XXXVIII - and while he seems to juggle every catch he makes, he's an effective receiver despite his limited use. Maybe if he can stay healthy for the rest of the season, they'll give more consideration to keeping him around. He's no star, but his value can't be denied.

4. So what was the most ridiculous aspect of the Brett Favre "He'd Play The Game For Free!" experience Sunday? How the NFL's most accomplished drama queen needed a friggin' medical cart to get to the locker room after suffering an owie to his funny bone? How said medical cart/motorcade nearly turned a Patriots player (Ellis Hobbs, I believe) into roadkill as the teams left the field for halftime? Or how CBS - and the affably oblivious Dan Dierdorf in particular - acted as if Favre's absence was some devastating loss to the Packers, when in fact he was an abysmal 5 for 15 for 73 yards and looked as if he couldn't wait for the damn hopeless cause to get over with? He's playing for the streak now (250 and counting), and little else. Back in the day - you know, when he was actually good - I admired Favre for his obvious talent and joy as much as anyone. But those days are long gone, and the he-can-do-no-wrong Jeterification of his accomplishments is little more than a misleading annoyance at this point.

5. We interrupt this football programming to bring you this special report: THE CUBS PAID $136 MILLION FOR ALFONSO (SLIDER IN THE DIRT, STRIKE THREE) SORIANO? HOLY *#*#*!!! YOU HAVE GOT TO BE *$&%&#*&#& KIDDING ME!!! THAT'S INSANITY!!!! We now return to your regularly scheduled programming.

6. Gotta admit, I'm coming around on Reche Caldwell. Sure, I had my gripes about his seemingly slippery hands and inability to get separation, and the dude's Chris Tucker eyes still freak me out. But he deserves nothing but plaudits for his recent steady and reliable play, and of all the new additions to the receiving corps, he seems to have done the most to earn Brady's trust. I'd still rather have David Givens, but Caldwell's doing his best to make the Patriots look good for taking a flyer on him.

7. Among the birthday loot I received today from Mrs. TATB (I'm 29 for the ninth straight year, if you were wondering) was a requested copy of Charlie Pierce's best-seller-to-be on Ol' No. 12 In Your Program, No. 1 In Patriots Fans' Hearts. I have this suspense-killing habit of skimming a book before I actually read it, and during tonight's speed read, the most interesting revelation I found was this: Damon Huard, the third-string quarterback during the 2001 season, earned that Super Bowl ring in far more ways than we ever realized. A close friend of Bledsoe's who shared an insatiable work-ethic with Brady, his deftness at diffusing the tension between his quarterbacking peers proved crucial in keeping the team together. I always thought Huard was a better quarterback than he got credit for - the consensus in Miami was that he should have gotten the job over Jay Fiedler after Dan Marino retired, and he's certainly rescued the Chiefs this season - but I had no idea he was such a good teammate, too.

8. The Tony Romo man-love from the Peter Kings of the world is getting to be a bit much. While the kid is a blast to watch, brought energy to the stagnant offense, and has even helped put some color back in the Tuna's alarmingly pallid face, he's become the recipient of verbal backrubs from the media usually reserved for quarterbacks with the surname Manning. (Or Favre.) What is it Parcells himself once said way back when after one of his young Patriots was the object of the media's overwrought platitudes? Ah, yes: "Let's not put the kid in Canton just yet, fellas." Then again, he was talking about Curtis Martin if I recall correctly, and it's a foregone conclusion that there is a mustard-colored jacked in his future. I'm pretty sure I just contradicted my own point there, so let me reiterate the so-called point: Romo is capable, an upgrade on the calcified Bledsoe for sure, and he's making it fun for Dallas fans again. But the fawning could make this fun story annoying pretty quickly for those who don't sleep beneath a Cowboys blankie at night.


9. As if you need more proof that I fall somewhere between "Damn Fool" and "Tony Kornheiser" in terms of football insight, I have to admit that I wrote a column back in 2001 imploring the Patriots to avoid drafting a certain undersized running back from Texas Christian in the first round. Yeah, I thought LaDainian Tomlinson was a stiff. (And I won't even mention that I wanted them to draft David Terrell or Koren Robinson with that No. 6 pick that was eventually used on Richard Seymour. Hey, I wasn't the only one.) Tomlinson, as he's proved with his record-setting sprint to 102 touchdowns in 89 career games, is of course anything but a stiff. At age 27, he's already among the all-time greats, entirely worthy of the LT nickname, and he's made that shrewd Chargers front office look all the more clever: That vaunted Vick-for-LT-and-Brees blockbuster looks more and more like a heist each time Tomlinson crosses the goal line.

10. As for today's Completely Random Football Card:


Huh. I guess I just assumed football broadcasting's answer to Tim McCarver has had that goofy-ass mustache since birth.