A partridge in a pear tree? What kind of lame gift is that?

Ten free minutes for me, 10 free lords a-leaping for you . . .

1. I don't get why so many words have been wasted on Tom Brady's Pro Bowl "snub." Peyton Manning is having a far better year, Carson Palmer has slightly better numbers, and Philip Rivers has slightly inferior numbers but quarterbacks the league's best team. They are all deserving choices. Granted, Brady has had to deal with more adversity than all of them put together, but I think anyone who his assessing his performance honestly would say this hasn't been one of his best individual seasons. Oh, he's been good, and god forbid we ever find out what life is like without him . . . but for whatever reason, he hasn't been great. Had he been chosen for the Pro Bowl, it would have been based on reputation rather than anything he's accomplished on the field in 2006. Anyway, I can't imagine he gives a damn or pays more than lip-service to the contrived "they're disrespecting us again" angle. Brady's priority has always been a certain other Bowl, the one that matters. (By the way, am I seeing things, or is that a Colts hat he's wearing in that photo?)

2. We should have a better clue as to the legitimacy of the Patriots' postseason aspirations after today's business trip to Jacksonville, where the Jack Del Rio's bipolar Jaguars tend to perform as if they're the '78 Steelers. While today's game is expected to be a street brawl - the Jags like to bring the pain - at least the Patriots aren't going into this one undermanned: My man Mike Reiss's trained eyes tell us that Laurence Maroney and Rodney Harrison appear ready to defy the injury report and play despite their questionable status, and while Vince Wilfork and Ben Watson will be observers rather than participants for the second straight week, there are encouraging signs that this injury-ravaged team is regaining some semblance of health just in time for the playoffs. If only they can just get through this one with a win . . . and no more personnel losses.

3. Two leftover thoughts on the Iverson trade. 1) I give A.I. and George Karl a month, tops, before they are on the verge of re-enacting Sprewell-Carlesimo. They're two of the most stubborn mules in the NBA, and Iverson's reckless/fearless crossover-and-chuck game will quickly offend Karl's Tar Heel sensibilities. 2. It's apparent the Celtics could have put a better package together - Joe Smith, Andre Miller, and two No. 1s is really the best Billy King could do? - but with the flashes Al Jefferson is showing, I'm glad Danny Ainge resisted the temptation. Call me a fool, but I believe in these kids. 3. 'Melo and Iverson together? Now this should be a reality show.

4. A couple of the more prominent stats wizards are predicting a major breakout for Manny Delcarmen next season, based on his improved K/BB rate in '06, and it did seem like he was making significant progress before injuring his hand and losing command of this curveball. It's fair to say he's the most likely of the Sox' unproven cadre young pitchers to contribute immediately next season, and for that reason I hope the rumors are false and he's not the pitcher who would head to the Nationals in a Wily Mo Pena-Chad Cordero swap.

5. If there is one small blessing regarding Paul Pierce's two-week injury hiatus, it's that Doc Rivers will have no choice but to play the electric (if clueless) Gerald Green until The Truth's wobbly wheel is healthy again. Judging by the Sixers debacle, things could get ugly during Pierce's absence, but at least Green will keep it interesting with a SportsCenter highlight or two.

6. File this under Stupidest Damn Thing I've Read All Year, NFL Division. It comes from a recent article by The Associated Press's Dave Goldberg on the Colts' pathetic defense. In attempting to put the six-time On Paper Super Bowl champion's flaws into context, the nation NFL writer for the nation's largest wire service offers this nugget of idiocy:

In the end, it’s just another reason why there are no dominant teams in the NFL and haven’t been for a decade.

I was so stunned when I first read it that I immediately had to read it again, just to make sure I didn't miss an addendum or a qualifier or some friggin' explanation. Something such as, ". . . excluding, of course, the three-time Super Bowl champion New England Patriots, who won 21 consecutive games, 10 straight playoff games, went 34-4 over two seasons, and must be regarded as the first true dynasty since the early '90s Dallas Cowboys." Alas, such a sentence never appeared in Goldberg's article. Weird, huh? He must have hit the delete key by accident or something, because so national football writer would be so brazen or oblivious as to completely disregard the Patriots' accomplishments . . . right?

7. The three best running backs I've ever seen, in order. 1) Earl Campbell (He ran like a pissed-off bull at Pamplona, which is probably why his prime was abbreviated - he took more kill shots than Kevin Faulk.) 2. Walter Payton (My memories of Sweetness remain so vivid, I can't really comprehend that he's been gone seven years now.) 3. LaDainian Tomlinson (If he makes a champion out of an accomplished gagger like Marty Schottenheimer, he immediately ascends to the top of the list.) Honorable mention goes to Bo Jackson, who was the greatest Bosworth-abusing combination of power, speed, charisma, and video-game invincibility we've ever seen, but was gone before you can say "Bo knows hip replacement."

8. It seems you've come to expect an obligatory "The Office" reference, so here's a YouTube clip of a recent Craig Ferguson appearance by the Official Muse of TATB, Wife Excluded. I'm searching for a "now that's a Golden Globes nominee" joke here, but frankly, I'm just not finding it.

9. I've come around on the benefits of this transaction, but it simply cannot be a good omen that J.D. Drew is ready to go on the disabled list before he even signs his contract.

10. As for today's Completely Random Football Card:


I suppose it was a better idea football-wise to bring in that roided-up idiot punter Sauerbrun, but I was hoping the Pats would sign Landeta after working him out this week. The dude is ancient. He's been around so long, he actually played in the USFL, though he really first made his name for dating Donna Rice after the Gary Hart scandal. Told you he was ancient.

* * *

I'm hoping to write during or after today's Pats game, but I have a feeling I may be the designated Christmas Eve Errand Boy in the TATB household. So if we don't cross cyberpaths again until the New Year, I just want to offer my sincerest thanks for making this fly-by-late-night operation something I'm proud of and genuinely enjoy working on. All you readers, emailers, commenters, sportos, motorheads, sluts, bloods, geeks, wasteoids, dweebies, and $*%&heads make it worthwhile. You're all righteous dudes. So happy holidays you and yours, and be careful out there. You never know where Dontrelle Willis might be peeing on a car.

As God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly

Ten free minutes for me, 10 free incarcerated Bengals for you . . .


1. Allen Iverson, guard, Boston Celtics? I reluctantly approve such a notion, if only for entertainment's sake; the Answer's reckless/relentless style of play would be a treat to watch up close, though I fear all the lumps his scrawny body has absorbed through the years will lead to an accelerated decline. There is one caveat to my approval, however: If Gerald Green's name comes up in any discussion with the Sixers, I plead with Danny Ainge to hang up the phone and wait for Billy King to humbly call back with a more reasonable request. They can have Delonte West, Sebastian Telfair, and even Big Al if his exclusion is a deal-breaker. Just don't give up Green. He has rare physical talent, a picturesque jump shot, and you can see he's figuring it out with each minute of playing time Doc Rivers awards him. I'd rather watch him grow into an elite talent than watch a current elite talent like Iverson begin to age.

2. Is Doug Mirabelli the only person on the planet with the mad skills to catch a knuckleball? I'm beginning to think so, since the Sox are apparently kicking around the thought of bringing him back one more time to caddy for Tim Wakefield. This is, of course, a ridiculously pea-brained idea. Mirabelli was washed up two years ago, and he's a well-known pain in the Assenmacher on top of it all. I say it's about time Jason Varitek sucked it up and caught Wakefield, and if that's not an option, then bring in Sandy Alomar Jr., whom I believe caught Tom Candiotti in Cleveland way back in the deadball era. Sure, Alomar may be calcified at this point - I think he's actually older than Sandy Alomar Sr. - but really, can he be any worse than Mirabelli?

3. So now the versatile Don Davis is done for the year, the 11th Patriot to be placed in injured reserve this season, and Belichick's troops are suddenly so thin at linebacker that one more injury (knock on wood) would be nothing short of devastating to their defense. Hell, the situation is pretty dire already. How dire? Paging Roman Phifer . . . Roman Phifer, please report to the front desk . . . Hey, even though ol' No. 95 is now two years into retirement, I can think of worse options. (See: Beisel, Monty).

4. In a related note, I'd gladly welcome Junior Seau back for a second tour with the Patriots in '07, though it should be as a backup since it would be prudent to start getting younger at the position. (I still contend that Kamerion Wimbley, the Browns' stellar rookie linebacker, was their No. 1 target in the last draft, though that Maroney kid wasn't a bad consolation prize.) Even Seau's most ardent detractors had to be won over by his inspired and reliable play before his gruesome injury, and he seemed to really relish the Patriot atmosphere.

5. Apparently, hypocrisy is an intangible. From the fellas at Fire Joe Morgan:

Does anyone still wonder why we are tough on Derek Jeter for not standing up for ARod this past year?

Here's a recent article where Derek Jeter talks about ARod:

Recently, the Yankees Captain has been hit with some misguided criticism that he should come out stronger in his defense of Alex Rodriguez . . .

"That's exactly what I said," Jeter calmly explained. "I said the only thing I wasn't going to do was tell the fans who they should boo and who they shouldn't boo."

And here's an article from 2005 where Derek Jeter talks about Jason Giambi:

Then Jeter took the opportunity to stand up for Giambi, who was booed so loudly after he struck out in the eighth inning it was hard to hear public address announced Bob Sheppard announce the next hitter. Jeter implored Yankees fans to stop booing Giambi.

"The fans have to start cheering for him," Jeter said. "If you're a Yankee fan, you want us to win and we need Jason."

One more time: 2006, re: ARod:

"I said the only thing I wasn't going to do was tell the fans who they should boo and who they shouldn't boo."

And 2005, in re: Giambi:

Jeter implored Yankees fans to stop booing Giambi. "The fans have to start cheering for him," Jeter said. "If you're a Yankee fan, you want us to win and we need Jason."

The end.

Seriously, that is just awesome. Fist pump!

6. If I'm Theo Epstein, I keep dialing up Jim Bowden and badgering him about a Wily Mo Pena-for-Chad Cordero swap until the Nats' GM either changes his number or gives in. While a straight-up swap probably isn't reasonable - the Sox would have to kick in at least a pitching prospect or two - it's not completely illogical from the Nats' standpoint. Bowden reportedly has a fondness for Pena dating back to their time in Cincinnati together, Washington desperately needs some sock in the middle of their Soriano-less order, and while Cordero is already a proven closer at age 25, he's something of a luxury to a Nationals team that is so flawed that it probably won't have a whole lot of leads for him to protect.

7. Forget the insane money given to such mediocrities as Gil Meche, Juan Pierre, and Gary Matthews Jr. The leader in the clubhouse for Bleepin' Stupidest Signing Of The Offseason is the Chicago Cubs for the three-year, $20 million deal they gave Jason Marquis today. Yes, that Jason Marquis - the one who was quite possibly the worst pitcher in the NL this season (6.20 ERA, led the league in homers allowed) and has a reputation of disregarding the advice of everyone but the voices in his own thick head. Tony La Russa and Dave Duncan must be having a good laugh about this one.

8. I finally found the analogy I was looking for: Pam Beesley is this generation's Bailey Quarters, and if you know what I'm talking about, I know you're nodding your head in agreement. And with our obligatory "The Office" mention out of the way, here are some words from a certain stellar TV show of its time that might just stick in your head for the rest of the day: Baby, if you've ever wondered/Wondered what ever became of me . . . Go ahead, sing it. Resistance is futile.

9. Curt Schilling says he's learning some Japanese so he can communicate with Daisuke Matsuzaka. I suppose it's an honorable gesture, though I'm suddenly curious if there's a Japanese word for "windbag."

10. As for today's Completely Random Baseball Card:


Who knew the current Boomer Wells wasn't the original? You know, I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume the two aren't related.

. . .but without the awkward Brett Favre man-love

Ten quick things I think I think, or whatever the hell Peter King calls it . . .

1. I've appreciated Allen Iverson's fearless-bordering-on-reckless play since he was a
(tattoo-free) Hoya, and while I'd likely appreciate him as a member of the Celtics as well, I hope the Answer's arrival in Boston isn't as inevitable as it seems. That bony body is going to break down sooner rather than later, and a player of Iverson's skill-set will not age well. Let him become someone else's bad contract.

2. If your "allergies" didn't act up a little after seeing ESPN's "Make A Wish" piece with a wonderfully compassionate Tedy Bruschi and a 6-year-old heart patient who adored him, well, maybe you're the one whose heart needs to be checked.

3. LeBron James took a lot of heat for dropping well-known agent Aaron Goodwin and putting his financial and business interests in the hands of what was portrayed as a couple of members of his posse. But someone in that camp knows what he's doing, because LeBron is playing the game off the court as well as he plays the one on it. Not only does he enhance his reputation as the Savior of Cleveland Sports by re-signing with his hometown Cavs, but by negotiating a three-year deal (with a fourth-year option) rather than the maximum contract, he can become a free agent in the summer of 2010, when the collective bargaining agreement expires and he's the ripe old age of 25. Shrewd. Very shrewd.

4. Jack Welch? Again? Are you bleepin' kidding me? Okay, just how much is "the Voice of the (Billionaire) Fan" paying them for this air time?

5. Jon Lester has finessed his way out of more jams in six starts with the Red Sox than his fourth-starter predecessor, the skittish Matt Clement, did in a season and a half.

6. I refuse to believe that Bill Belichick intends to begin the season with Monty Beisel as one of his starting linebackers.

7. Glad to see Steve Carell get an Emmy nod for his role on The Office, if only to give the show some deserved publicity. But I think it's fair to say that among the three main male actors on the show, his character portrayal is the least nuanced or convincing. Jim and Dwight wuz robbed.

8. I just traded Aramis Ramirez straight-up for Pedro in my work rotisserie league. So tell me why don't I feel at all good about it?

9. I know what I want/I get what I need . . . AIYEEEEEE! MY EARS ARE WEEPING!!! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!!! Seriously, why must that fake-soulful, Mark Cuban-looking American Idol doofus pop up on my television between every . . . single . . . inning during a Sox game? If he's the winner of that show, I'd hate to hear the losers. (On the plus side of the Overplayed NESN Commercials ledger, DD iced coffee really does help unstick your legs from the pleather. Go figure.)

10. As for today's Completely Random Baseball Card:



Meet the Yankees' version of Jason Johnson.

A few things I've been meaning to say

• Four factoids/observations on the Sox's phenom of a fourth starter, Jon Lester: 1) He was the prospect the Sox were going to ship to Texas in the A-Rod deal. 2) If the comparisons to a young Bruce Hurst are going to be completely valid, he needs to grow a kick-ass mustache, pronto. 3) He could walk the first 27 hitters he faces in his next start, and I'd still enjoy watching him pitch more than Matt Clement. 4) Before the season, the consensus among scouts is that he is a superior prospect to Jonathan Papelbon, and though Papelbon's newly devastating splitter has enhanced his repertoire, Lester might actually have better stuff. And that poise . . . I'm not sure many 10-year veterans would have the stones to throw David Wright a 3-2 curveball with the bases loaded. Hey, have I mentioned that I'm giddy about this kid?

• I know it's going to happen, and I'm trying to prepare myself accordingly, but damn, I am going to be pissed when Captain Jetes fist-pumps his way to another undeserved Gold Glove. If only Gonzo had calm eyes, McCarver-melting intangibles, and most importantly, 1 1/2-step range, he might have a chance.

• Betcha Matt Clement is being paid by the Sox to pitch for a National League team by August. Theo isn't afraid to cut his losses, and Gammons wrote a few weeks ago that the Sox GM admits he regrets the signing. Maybe he can go join fellow Class of 2005 washout Edgar Renteria in Atlanta.


• Coco Crisp's catch the other night was one of the best I have ever seen, but man, sometimes he takes such curious routes to the ball that I wonder if he bought the map from Dwayne Hosey. He's good, but my early impressions are that Johnny Judas was a step better.

• I get the same sinking feeling when I realize Scott Kazmir is pitching against the Sox that Mets fans get when they realize Kazmir is pitching against . . . well, anyone.

• This Week's (Okay, Last Week's) Reason Jerry Trupiano Is As Funny As A Hemorrhoid, Chapter 2, Vol. 28,987:

This arrived in my in-box courtesy of my friend Hans, a colleague from my Monitor days, after Papi's walkoff single against the Phillies a week or so ago:

chad -- wondering if you caught this classic trupiano moment yesterday, which was accurately recounted in this morning's BSMW:

"Many people were probably in their cars driving home from work listening to the end of the game, and heard the over-the-top call from Jerry Trupiano which contained Superman references and screaming about how the Phillies did not have the kryptonite to stop Ortiz. It was impossible to know what actually happened, as all we knew was the the hit was to left center and than "Ortiz has done it again!" Listeners were left to wonder what exactly did Ortiz do? Hit a home run? It took almost a full minute for them to tell us how Ortiz won the game for the Sox."

that's exactly what happened to me. i was in the car and had no idea what ortiz had done. it was so obvious that trup had his lame superman riff rehearsed and ready to go that he forgot to actually explain what had happened. i didn't know until they got around to mentioning the final score (let's see, 8-7, guess it wasn't a dinger). also, he practically peed himself -- "Didn't I tell you?!!!" -- because he had correctly predicted that ortiz would try to stroke something to left or left-center. (let me get this straight: you're saying ortiz WON'T attempt to ground out into the overshift? you sure about that?)

on saturday, during the ortiz at bat, he kept his mouth busy by recounting all the stops in flash gordon's career instead of just shutting up and letting the drama build. his way back call was several beats behind the crowd reaction because he had to cut himself off. i'm still waiting to find out what happened to flash after he left the cubs.

Oh, I heard the fool - I was driving to work, and had the same reaction as my friend did: What the bleep was it? A single? Coke bottles? What happened!? I'm surprised he didn't call the Phillies pitcher "Lex Luthor." Just a horrible, contrived call. Sometimes I think Troop gets so geeked up during these extra-inning games - when he gets to do the play-by-play rather than Joe - that he can't help but go completely over the top trying to get his little soundbite. Too bad he has absolutely no sense of drama, tone, pace, the flight of the ball, anything. There are rumors that Troop is out after this season. God, I hope so. They could put Rosie O'Donnell in the booth next to Uncle Joe and I'd consider it an upgrade at this point. My hand is getting really tired of punching the steering wheel.

• Last year, I found Ozzie Guillen refreshing. This year, I find myself looking forward to the day he makes that one unforgivably stupid comment that will cost him both his job and his forum.

• I'm okay with Curt Schilling getting left off the All-Star team - four Sox is enough for me, and I suspect for the rest of the country as well, and while he's been good, he hasn't been nearly as good others who were snubbed, particularly the Twins' dazzling Francisco Liriano. Consider these stats, plucked from my heroes at Fire Joe Morgan.

[Liriano is] 9-1, 1.99 ERA. in 81.1 IP, he's allowed 59 H, and has a 94/20 K/BB ratio. His WHIP is .97. The league is slugging .292 against him, with a .256 OBA. His DIPS is 2.44. He might be the best pitcher in the AL right now.

The kid is having the season Felix Hernandez was supposed to have. There's no player I'd rather see at this point, and it's a shame he won't have a chance to announce his arrival as superstar on the All-Star stage. Hopefully he'll get added by MLB.com final player vote. He deserves to be there, and fans deserve to see him.

• From a Dan Shaughnessy column on the Red Sox's decision to release Bill Buckner, June 6, 1990:

At least Buckner did not have to wait for an old-timer's day or a 20-year reunion to learn that Sox fans aren't taking it personally anymore. Opening Day 1990 was a cathartic experience for Buckner and the baseball fans of New England. The hobbling warhorse got the loudest and longest ovation when Sherm Feller introduced this year's Red Sox.

My points: All the hairdos and talking-heads who claimed Buckner was "finally" forgiven at Fenway during the recent reunion of the '86 are either a) revising history for the benefit of a stupid-ass storyline, or b) have no friggin' idea what they're talking about. Probably a little of both, actually. Sox fans have NEVER held anything against Buckner, an original Dirt Dog who was admired for his toughness and productivity. I wish Fox Sports and the like would stop perpetrating the myth that Boston drove him away. He's always been welcome here.

• I've learned to give Danny Ainge the benefit of the doubt on draft day, and I think he found some helpful players again this season. Though I thought Randy Foye and Brandon Roy were the two most ready-made pros in this year's class, Sebastian Telfair has the ability to become a legitimate starting point guard, and getting him out of that Portland mess and bringing him here is a risk worth taking. Rajon Rondo, a live wire with lockdown defensive skills, was one of the most intriguing college players I saw last season, though I admit I'm not as intrigued as Billy Packer, who couldn't go two possessions without mentioning the size of Rondo's hands. If he could develop a better jumpshot than say, yours, he could be special. I even like second-rounder Leon Powe, who has the talent and maturity to stick in the Association. But Ainge's B+ grade becomes an immediate F if he trades for Allen Iverson. While I appreciate Iverson's ability and fearlessness, his reckless play (and, perhaps, lifestyle) suggests to me that when he loses it, he's going to lose it fast. Getting him as he heads into his 30s is an ill-advised move, particularly at the expense of the young talent Ainge has stockpiled. Futhermore, it would contradict Ainge's plan for restoring the franchise, raising my suspicions that the motivation for any such deal would be putting fannies in the seats rather than building a legitimate contender.

• You know major-league baseball's steroid investigators have a credibility problem when that walking pharmacy Jose Canseco's conspiracy theories start sounding plausible.

• Tell me again who the Sox were going to get for Manny this time last year? Aubrey (.266-6-23) Huff? Lastings (I got it, I got it . . . whoops, you take it) Milledge? Mike (.255-9-32) Cameron? What's that saying? Sometimes the best deals are the ones . . .

• When I realize I have an email from Peter Gammons - a writer whose words have been a part of my red-seam-wrapped world since I was 8 years old - let me tell you, I can't open the thing fast enough. Sometimes the emails arrive unsolicited. Other times, they are replies to an off-the-wall question ("Did Chico Walker get a fair shot with Boston?") I figure only he can answer, or would care to answer for that matter. Our most recent exchange, a few weeks ago, was regarding the death of an obscure former Phillies outfielder named Ron Jones from a brain aneurysm at age 42. Eerily, not a few days after I last heard from him, the news came that Gammons had been stricken with the same affliction and his life was in danger. While his prognosis sounds encouraging, I feel compelled to take a moment to say thank you to a man I've only met a few times, but whom has had an immense impact not only on my career but on my direction in life. His knowledgeable, passionate writing in the Globe convinced the young me that he had the coolest job in the world. Much to my delight, all these years later he's become a great friend to this silly little site, so generously situated in our corner even when I've been critical of something he's said or written. (You might have noticed I tend to get a little defensive when it comes to Manny.) Which, the way I understand it, makes me somewhere around the 1,000,000th person he's helped along the way. Be well, Peter. Baseball isn't the same without you.

• As for today's Completely Random Baseball Card:


Not sure what is more amazing: That Glavine is again a Cy Young contender at age 40, or that he apparently made the big leagues well before he hit puberty.