And don't forget George Foster

Back by, well, almost no demand, it's Random Lists of Five . . .

Five alleged contenders that won't win the NBA title this season:
1. Dallas. Kidd has slipped, especially defensively. They'll regret giving up Devin Harris for him in the long run.
2. Phoenix. I hope the Shaq gamble works, and he looks like he's in decent shape, but I just don't believe he can make a difference as a rebounder and defender after so many years of indifference.
3. San Antonio. They remind me of the Patriots team that lost to Indy a year ago. Still smart and proud, but just not quick enough anymore.
4. Cleveland. Though I do not want the Celtics to have to face Team LeBron.
5. Detroit. The Flip Saunders factor.

Five name players I wouldn't touch In fantasy baseball this season with Bea Arthur's ----:
1. Albert Pujols. Tough to hit with one decent elbow. Anyone who takes him in the first round will have a season's worth of regret.
2. Andy Pettitte. If his elbow acts up again, it's fair to assume the elixir this time won't be HGH.
3. Derek Jeter. He'll be 34 in June. Our long national nightmare is almost over.
4. Scott Rolen. He's as physically cooked as Trot Nixon.
5. Miguel Tejada. Think the dolts in the Astros' front office have heard about the Mitchell Report yet?

Five recent players you forgot played for the Celtics:
1. Jamel Thomas. Sebastin Telfair's half-brother, played three games for the '99-'00 squad.
2. Bruno Sundov. A poor man's Stojko Vrankovic.
3. Bryant Stith. A smaller version of Ryan Gomes, I always liked him, though the end was near by the time he arrived in Boston.
4. Chris Carr.
5. Ruben Wolkowyski. Yeah, I have no recollection, either.

Five receivers who caught a pass for the Super Bowl XXXVI champs (and we don't mean the Rams, William Gary, whoever the hell you are):
1. Charles Johnson
2. Fast Freddie Coleman, scourge of the Jets.
3. Torrance Small
4. Bert Emanuel
5. Curtis Jackson. (Not to be confused with him.)

Five primary personnel needs for the Patriots this offseason:
1. One or two young inside linebackers. I suppose 34-year-old Zach Thomas qualifies by current standards
2. One or two cornerbacks, minimum, depending upon whether they resign Asante Samuel or Randall Gay. Count me in for a Ty Law sequel.
3. A quality backup QB, just in case the unthinkable happens. They've pushed their luck with Matt Cassel long enough.
4. Defensive speed, anywhere. Perhaps another young safety to go with Stonehands Meriweather.
5. Some kicking competition for Gostkowski. Belichick seems to have lost faith in him.

Five 1985 New York Mets:
1. Billy Beane
2. Calvin Schiraldi
3. Clint Hurdle
4. Joe Sambito
5. Larry Bowa

Last five songs to pop up on the iPod as I write this:
1. Elevation, U2. Nothing wrong there.
2. Sick of Myself, Matthew Sweet. Underrated '90s alt rocker.
3. Come Monday, Jimmy Buffett. Even those who loathe Parrotheads have to respect this song, Buffett's first hit.
4. Mama Said Knock You Out, L.L. Cool J. And to think I snickered at Simmons for his ridiculous Mt. Rapmore earlier this week. Of course, the Choate Sports Guy pontificating on hip-hop makes about as much sense as Tupac returning from the dead to tell us about his favorite elitist New England prep schools.
5. High Enough, Damn Yankees. Well, almost made it through without humiliating myself.

Five baseball players I wish I'd seen play:
1a. Jackie Robinson
1b. Roberto Clemente
3. Ted Williams
4. Satchel Paige
5. Lyman Bostock

And five for football:
1. Gale Sayers. The NFL Films footage of his best kick returns is mesmerizing.
2. Jim Brown. I'm not sure if his friendship with Belichick is a good thing or a bad thing in terms of the coach's image.
3. Dick Butkus. Rumor is the Pats are bringing him in for a look-see early next week.
4. Lance Alworth. Can you imagine any football player tolerating a nickname like Bambi today?
5. Darryl Stingley. His tragic injury happened in the preseason the year I became a fan.

Five hottest women on television according to a semi-neutered, couch-bound, 38-year-old father of two: (Subtitle: Yep, another weak excuse to run a picture of the Official Muse of TATB, Non-Wife Division):
1. Sweet Jenna. I miss The Office almost as much as I wish Peter King would stop mentioning The Office.
2. Connie Britton, Tammy on "Friday Night Lights," the best show on television no one's watching.
3. The babe in the Mercury commercials.
4. Tyra on "Friday Night Lights" (Though the consensus seems to be that the brunette is hotter.)
5. Cheryl Ladd. I'm talking "Charlie's Angels" reruns, not the insipid "Las Vegas," though she still looks great.

Five sports media-types I hope get hit with a meteor:
1. Merril Hoge. A moron's moron.
2. Peter King-Favre. Keeps saying we need to know the truth about SpyGate, but won't get off his creme horn-filled --- to search it out himself.
3. Gregg Easterbrook. Despises the Pats with an odd irrationality. Doesn't even try to hide it anymore.
4. The WEEI morning show. A 3-for-1 deal. And send a few extra asteroids Meterparel's way.
5. Merril Hoge again, just in case the first meteor gave him only a concussion.

Late night menu

How about a Reyes-quick Nine Innings on the MLB playoffs . . .


1. Prompted by the rejuvenated, follically blessed Magglio Ordonez's ALCS-winning walkoff tonight, I offer you this Great What-If Question: How would Red Sox history be different had the Manny, Nomar and Jon Lester for A-Rod and Ordonez swap not been (mercifully?) derailed by Donald Fehr's minions in the winter of '03? I'm assuming it's safe to suggest there'd be no Faith Rewarded video, but how else might have history changed? Discuss.

2. Talk about your unsung heroes. Tigers shortstop Carlos Guillen batted .320 with a .919 OPS, clubbed 19 homers, drove in 85 runs and scored 100, swiped 20 bases, and selflessly moved to an unfamiliar position, first base, after Sean Casey was injured in the ALDS. Unfortunately, he does not play in the Bronx and has not mastered the fist pump, the calm-eyed stare, or the Throw A-Rod Under The Bus Maneuver, and so his great success remains largely anonymous, particularly to Tim McCarver and the Fox nitwits still lamenting the Yankees' early exit.

3. I don't have my copy of "Moneyball" in front of me, but if I recall the anecdote correctly, A's GM Billy Beane shattered a chair in a fury when, against his wishes and philosophy at the time, Oakland selected high school pitcher named Jeremy Bonderman in the first round of the 2001 draft. That considered, you have to wonder what piece of furniture he punished last night.

4. Quite a few columns coming out of the NLCS suggest Albert Pujols is becoming as surly as he is talented. Take it for what it's worth - this particular column reads like a scorned reporter getting his revenge - but I think I might understand why Pujols would be in a sour mood. I was grumpy when I was approaching my 35th birthday, too.

5. I simply cannot believe Darren Oliver is still in the major leagues, let alone as a mildly effective long reliever. He looked cooked when the Sox had to take him and his rich contract from the Rangers as "compensation" for making Carl Everett extinct in Boston. I'll consider it one more hint that I should tie my two-month old son's right arm behind his back immediately. Oliver is one more example of the Jesse Orosco Rule: Lefties will live a long and lucrative life in baseball just as long as they are occasionally effective.

6. Judging by his stellar guest stint on Baseball Tonight this week, when Vernon Wells's baseball career concludes in a dozen years or so, he should have a seat waiting for him as a studio analyst. He was excellent - polished, insightful (particularly in discussing pitchers' stuff), articulate, and quick-witted. Of course, ESPN being ESPN, they'll probably instead hire Eric Byrnes, who in the same gig looked and talked like he just rolled out of Spicoli's van.

7. I ran that last theory by one of my work buddies. His well-considered reply: "If Byrnes is Spicoli, does that make Gammons Mr. Hand?" Well, yeah, I say that's reasonable if we're remaking "Fast Times" with "Baseball Tonight" personalities . . . though I must draw the line at John Kruk re-enacting the Phoebe Cates pool scene.

8. I've always thought Tony La Russa's managerial reputation vastly exceeded his accomplishments (how did he not win more than one title with the Juicin' A's of the late-'80s?). But if he commands enough respect from Bill Belichick that the Patriots coach swaps his trusty hoodie for a dorky La Russa gamer, well, maybe I'll give "3 Nights In August" a read after all.

9. Two takes on today's news that Steve Lyons was fired by Fox for making racially insensitive comments to Lou Piniella on the air the other night: It must have been a last straw type of thing for Psycho, because while his comments may have been offensive to some people, Fox isn't exactly known for holding itself to a classy standard. I bet he kept "accidentally" pulling down his pants at company picnics or something. 2) Please tell a racist joke on the air, McCarver. Please. And if it's not too much to ask, maybe that smug nepotism case Thom Brennaman could repeat it . . .