New York groove

Playing nine innings while waiting for J.D. Drew to take the damn bat off his shoulder . . .

1. I've been reluctant to declare American League East race ovah, for two reasons: First, there is a tendency among certain media members to race to become the first to pronounce the Yankees dead . . . and then, when they inevitably crawl out of the crypt, history is somehow revised and spun so that it was really the numbskull fans who were the ones claiming matters were settled when there were 60 games remaining. The habit is as transparent as it is annoying, and I don't want to be one to fall into that trap. Besides, while it would be a nice little milestone to win the AL East for the first time since '95, we all know that all that really matters is getting to the postseason. So I'm waiting to see the cold corpse of the Yankees' playoff hopes before I deliver any gleeful eulogies. As for the second reason, well, basically it's this: I have been, to quote Arthur Fonzarelli, wr-wr-wr-wr-wrong about so much this year - from my skepticism of jockey-like Dustin Pedroia's ability to hit major league pitching to the certainty of a Mike Lowell annual second-half collapse to my willingness to be talked into believing Drew was a shrewd signing - that I'm hesitant to look into my crystal ball knowing that another off-the-mark proclamation will make me look as clueless as a WEEI fill-in host.

2. I think Dice K will eventually prove to be worth every last yen the Red Sox paid for him; once he becomes fully acclimated to major league baseball and the lifestyle, he'll be a damn fine No. 2 starter at the worst, and becoming one of the elite pitchers in the game is certainly an attainable goal. But right now . . . well, he's good, very good on occasion, but he's also just so frustrating, particularly on nights like tonight. His command isn't what we were told it was - he serves up way too many flat, fat breaking balls - and I can't help but wish he had an extra two or three miles per hour on his fastball. As for those 15 runs he's allowed in 19.1 innings against the Yankees this season? Not acceptable for any pitcher, let alone one of his accomplishment and skill.

3. Dr. Charles surely would revoke my Red Sox Nation membership card for saying this (presuming I were sucker enough to fall for such a transparent, insulting money grab), but Yankee phenom Joba Chamberlain's stuff is so electric and his back story so compelling, I have to admit I genuinely enjoy watching the kid pitch. And yes, I say that with the knowledge that, good health permitting, he'll be tormenting the Sox for the next decade or so. Hey, every now and then the baseball fan wins out over the Red Sox fan.

4. Four of Derek Jeter's nine home runs this season have come against the Red Sox, a stat that probably manages to be both impressive and puzzling if you're a Yankees fan. (Then again, if you're a Yankees fan, most things are puzzling, particularly the concept of good hygiene. Sorry. Too easy.) In all seriousness, it's impressive that Jeter manages his best performances against the Yankees' main rival, but it has to be puzzling that Captain Calm-Eyes has been fist-pumpin' his way to a .258 batting average and a .619 OPS in 99 at-bats this month. Maybe I'm just taking a small sample size out of context, and maybe last night's homer was a sign that he was on the verge of a playoff-push hot streak, but right now I have the same suspicion about him that I've had about David Ortiz for much of the season. He's playing through more than a few bumps and bruises, and we'll find out just how seriously he is injured only when the season ends.

5. Cracks me up how Roger Clemens's mediocre performance has relegated his apologists to mythologizing his impact as a "mentor" to the Yankees' young pitchers. Uh-uh, that's exactly why he's being paid a pro-rated $28 million - to carry a few clipboards for Ron Guidry. I hope the Sox light him up so badly that today's lesson for Joba and other impressionable young Yankee minds includes this annual staple of the Rocket syllabus: How To Limp Off the Mound With a Groin "Tweak" While Trailing 8-0 in the Second Inning 101. Man, I do enjoy that class.

6. Quick Patriots aside: I'm a transactions junkie as it is, but NFL cutdown day is going to be extra fascinating this season because of the Patriots' ridiculous depth. I thought coming into camp that Reche Caldwell was a longshot to stick, and he's done nothing in camp to change my mind, though it might not be the worst idea to keep a receiver who has some chemistry with Tom Brady until the new guys get acclimated. (I'd be curious to see how huge Caldwell's eyes get when the Turk tells him coach wants to see him and to bring his playbook.) Defensively, veterans who seem to be on the bubble include Chad Brown (why was he brought back in the first place?), Tory James and/or Dante Wesley, and for some reason I wonder if Junior Seau and Eric Alexander are as secure as they seem.

7. I liked Johnny Damon a whole hell of a lot better two weeks ago when he was washed up. The Yankees will undoubtedly try to dump him and the two years remaining on his contract in the offseason, and given the mileage on his legs and the emergence of Melky Cabrera, that's probably prudent. But he's suddenly hitting again, even as Joe Torre's reluctant 10th man, and I'm pretty sure he could be clomping around on a peg leg out there and he'd still find a way to torment the Sox.

8. I'm not saying Kevin Cash (.172 lifetime average) should be Doug Mirabelli's successor, but he sure has done a fine job proving that Mirabelli isn't the only living organism in the milky way capable of catching Tim Wakefield successfully, and for that I will remember him fondly.

9. As for today's Completely Random Baseball Card:


I love the Lee Elia "playground-for-the-expletives" meltdown . . . and Earl Weaver's social tips for Alice Sweet . . . and in the non-sports division, Kasey Kasem's profanity-laced rant remains a No. 1 hit . . . but for my pure listening pleasure, this bleep-faced appearance by the Red Baron on a Padres telecast last season is the greatest piece of audio since the invention of ears. At certain points, he sounds so much like Wooderson that I half expect him to say, "Get busy livin' or get busy dyin', man." But the best part? Play-by-play guy Matt Vasgergian's bewildered "Clooney?" It gets funnier every time I hear it.

First and 10: Patriots 40, Dirty Rotten Titans 23

1. So the Jets it is, huh? I suppose this makes it an easy week for the Felgers and Ordways of the world, who can yowl about Handshakegate and crank up the hype machine to full-throttle. Yep, we're getting the Border War matchup the banshees have desired all along . . . and the funny thing is, I suspect it's the matchup Bill Belichick would prefer as well. The Patriots are a superior team to the Jets in terms of talent and accomplishment, but given an additional week of preparation and catching the Patriots on a short week, Eric Mangini took his estranged mentor to the woodshed last time around, pulling off an upset as convincing as it was stunning. You have to figure a vengeful Belichick will make sure it won't happen again, especially given the fact that his team already knows the consequences of underestimating the Jets. Further, an optimist might argue that the Patriots are peaking at the right time - the turnover-free road victories over physically tough Tennessee and Jacksonville were encouraging to say the least, reminiscent of the way they won so many games in '03 and '04. I like this team a lot right now, and judging by his demeanor lately, I think Belichick does too. Of course, that's not going to stop him from showing them the grisly footage from the Jets' loss 20 times this week. Another loss to the Sons of Richard Todd? It's as unacceptable as it is unlikely.

2. I understand why Dick Enberg occasionally fumbles his words - god bless him, he's been blurting out his trademark "Oh, my!" since Red Grange was galloping around in a leather helmet. But what's his partner Randy Cross's excuse? He must be still suffering from post-concussion syndrome from his Niners' days or something, because he is unlistenable. He botches players names chronically, turns an anecdote into a mind-numbing miniseries (tell me again why Jeff Fisher doesn't like having the scores announced), and comes across in a joking manner that might be tolerable if it wasn't a device to mask his lack of preparation. Please come back, Phil Simms. We took you for granted, and we even promise to never again peg you with a snowball.

3. I'm still not comfortable with him being this team's de facto No. 1 wide receiver. But Reche Caldwell has convinced me that he's a worthy replacement for David Givens, and considering the piles of money that so many less productive wideouts received in free agency, you'd have to consider him perhaps the best bargain of the offseason.

4. Looks like accomplished cheap-shot artist Kevin Mawae has shared a few of his dirty tricks to his Tennessee teammates. You know a team is dirty when you come away with the impression that they're a roster full of lawless lowlifes, then realize that Skull Stompin' Albert Haynesworth wasn't even involved. Not that our own Rodney Harrison is a Lady Byng winner; there is a smidgen of irony in the fact that he was taken out by a dirty play. Of course, recognizing such irony didn't prevent me from spewing a string of expletives as Harrison writhed on the ground. He's played so well since he came back, and losing him at this point would be crushing.


5. Every time someone tries to tell you that Belichick is bloodless Xs-and-0s-spouting automaton, keep in mind that he has set aside a play in the season finale each of the past two years to give an old favorite one final moment for the highlight reel. Last year, it was Doug Flutie with the dropkick. This year, Vinny Testaverde got to throw one last touchdown pass, giving him at least one in a record 20 consecutive seasons. Ask me, such consideration makes Belichick downright sentimental.

6. Man, Ed Hochuli just kills me - the three-sizes-too-small shirt and "Welcome to the gun show" flexing when he announces a penalty is so narcissistic and transparent, I half expect that on one of these Sundays, he's going to show up shirtless, with zebra stripes painted onto his torso.


7. I suppose there's some correlation between his ascent to the starting job and the Titans' revival . . . but there is no doubt that Vince Young has a lonnngg way to go to become the quarterback the "He wins games!" mythmakers claim he already is. To borrow the words of Gil Santos: "This kid can run, but he's not so good at throwing it." Ain't that the truth - I haven't seen so many bounced screen passes since the days before Drew Bledsoe became acquainted with Mo Lewis. Ditching the Byung Hyun Kim delivery might be a place to start.

8. Adam "Pacman" Jones is a cross between Deion Sanders and Ol' Dirty Bastard. He could end up playing in a half-dozen Pro Bowls, or he could end up hosting "The Playas Ball VI: Titan Pimp!" Right now, I'd say the odds are slightly tilted toward the latter.

9. He has a nose for the end zone, always seems to get 37 inches on 3d and 1, and needs a gurney to get off the field after any run over 25 yards. Yep, I'd say Corey Dillon is morphing into Antowain Smith, and that's really not such a bad thing - hell, most aging backs turn into Marion Butts. Besides, the Patriots did win two Super Bowls with the affable Smith playing a crucial role, and Dillon, despite his creaky wheels, quietly had a very productive season, scoring 13 rushing touchdowns to tie the franchise single-season record set by some guy named Curtis Martin in 1995 and 1996. He's not what he used to be, but he's still pretty darn useful nonetheless.

10. As for today's Completely Random Football Card:


I'm guessing he didn't win a whole hell of a lot of playoff games with the Patriots, either.

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Happy New Year's, and thanks for making this little blog so fun and rewarding. I sincerely appreciate the fact that you take a moment in your day to check in and read what we have to say. Here's hoping 2007 brings the fulfillment of all your dreams. (Quietly humming "Same Old Lang Syne" . . . you know, the kick-ass Dan Fogelberg version . . .)

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One more thing before I go pound whatever remaining Sam Adams Winter Lager we have left over from Christmas: This was probably my favorite sports column of the past year. It's a thoughtful reminder of why we became fans in the first place, and it seems appropriate now, on a day meant for new beginnings. Enjoy

18 questions

(Because I'm too freakin' tired to attempt 20 . . .)

1. So now that we've had a couple of days to wrap our heads around this Daisuke Matsuzaka story, let's start with this: What's the best part about the whole delightfully mind-boggling development?

You mean other than imagining the look on Brian Cashman's hangdog face when he realized the Sox had won the bidding? How about this: That despite the shock and incredulity from certain corners regarding the $51.1 million posting price, no one is even hinting it's a bad investment, because no one is even remotely skeptical about his ability to be an ace in the major leagues. It's not by accident that the Red Sox, Yankees, Mets and Rangers all greatly exceeded the predicted posting price of $20 million - this kid gets nothing but rave reviews, everyone is smitten with his ability, and they were all desperate to obtain him. Also, it's pretty cool that his wife is nicknamed "Rockets." If I'm not mistaken, Johnny Damon's wife's nickname was "Zeppelins."

2. So, doofus, do you want to take a moment to apologize to Buster Olney, who proved correct with his scoop that the Sox won the Matsuzaka sweepstakes, despite your assertion that he bats "somewhere around the Mendoza Line" when he tries to break a story?

Yup. My bad . . . and you bet I'm glad he was right. Hey, I like and respect Olney . . . and I like and respect him even more now that I know he's the Dexter Manley of sports writing. (Whaddaya mean the Onion is satirical?)

3. Why did the Patriots sign the mummified remains of Vinny Testaverde?

Because Tom Brady is physically hurting. Oh, I suppose there's some truth to the theory that Testaverde, who broke into the league when Brady was 10, will act as a sounding board and another set of eyes. After all, Brady, whose chief confidants are a 30-year-old offensive coordinator and backup who was a backup in college, probably relies on his own knowledge more than any QB in the league. But I'm convinced - and I know I'll take some crap for this - that Brady is playing through an injury, one that just might be affecting his play. C'mon, it's okay to admit it: With the exception of the first Buffalo game and the Minnesota victory, he hasn't been himself all season, particularly in terms of his accuracy. He's been . . . decent. Nothing more, and certainly not the steady stalwart we've come to expect. There's something going on here . . . and remember, Brady had hernia surgery shortly after last season ended, so it's not like playing through an undisclosed injury is unprecedented. I think Belichick is concerned about his condition, watched him take that violent beating against the Jets, and realized it was foolish to proceed with just one backup to his aching and possibly ailing franchise quarterback. So the bat signal went out for ol' reliable Vinny. You bet I hope I'm wrong about this, and Brady drops 400 yards and four TDs on the Lambeau loyalists this Sunday. But I've seen enough this season to know better than to expect it.

4. Why are the Sox willing to pay Julio Lugo $8 million per season?

Because they didn't learn a goddamn thing from the Edgar Renteria disaster - namely, that if you have a perfectly capable, defensively stellar shortstop, there's no need to replace him with someone more expensive who might be marginally better. Cripes, I wish they'd just kept Orlando Cabrera and saved us from this annual charade.

5. Will Manny Ramirez be batting cleanup for the Sox come Opening Day?

God, I hope so. Hell, you guys know how I feel about Manny by now. I consider myself fortunate to be able to watch one of the greatest righthanded hitters of all-time swing the bat for the Sox, and while I felt increasing frustration with his barely excused absence down the stretch last season, I still find the brunt of his quirks more charming than maddening. I love watching the guy play, and at this point in his historically consistent career, the two years and 30-something million dollars remaining on his contract are nothing less than a bargain, particularly in a market where a severely flawed fantasy league hero like Alfonso Soriano is going to get $120 million. Further, I can't imagine they'd get equal value in a trade; if Theo Epstein ended up accepting the likes of slopballer Aaron Heilman and the vastly overrated Lastings Milledge for him, as Olney suggests, the next time you'll hear from me is when the SWAT team has me surrounded somewhere in the vicinity of Fenway.

6. Which big-ticket free-agent will be the biggest bust?

I hate to say this because I enjoy watching him pitch . . . but someone is going to have serious buyer's remorse a year or two after giving Barry Zito a nine-figure deal. Think about it: He walks a ton of batters, his K-rate is shriveling, he's spent his whole career in a pitcher's park, he struggles against Boston and New York, his velocity has decreased to the mid-80s . . . at this point, he's a No. 2 starter at best, and simply no longer resembles the Cy Young Award winner of four seasons ago. I think he'd make a fine Met. (And if you think I'm being harsh, check out Keith Law's top 40 free agents on ESPN.com. He has him rated behind Ted Lilly and Gil Meche.)

7. What's one warped stat you can come up with regarding the Patriots' receivers?

How about this: Reche Caldwell had more catches Sunday (9) than David Givens had during his entire aborted first season in Tennessee (8). It goes without saying that I'd trade Paper Reche for a one-legged Givens right now.

8. Why don't the Patriots give Laurence Maroney more carries and responsibility?

Josh McDaniels, the floor is yours. Honestly, I have no idea why the Patriots have been so reluctant to put the ball in Maroney's hands more often. I still haven't heard an adequate explanation for why he had just four touches in the second half against the Colts, and he was again woefully underutilized against the Jets' porous run defense Sunday. And if there's anything we learned from the Cincinnati victory - other than that the Bengals are a fraud - it's that Maroney, with his violent, relentless running style, is more effective as the game goes on. And yet in the fourth quarter lately he's been a decoy, an observer, and too often, a role player jogging off the field after ceding his position to the untrustworthy Kevin Faulk. It makes zero sense. Maroney is a weapon, as talented a running back as I've ever seen in a Patriots uniform, and why they hesitate to use him to their full advantage is befuddling. You have to wonder if maybe they don't know how.

9. Why does Bill Belichick hold such a grudge against Eric Mangini?

He caught him trying to pilfer his favorite hoodie? Seriously, I don't know, but Belichick seems hell-bent on continuing this whole You're-Dead-To-Me routine, so it must have been something egregious. One theory: Mangini was trying to lure Patriots staffers to join him with the Jets while he was still on the New England payroll - and while Belichick was still under the impression that he was remaining with the Patriots. I guess that makes as much sense as anything I've heard, but this much we do know: That old Border War? It's back on, baby.

10. Why did the Patriots wait until midseason to install FieldTurf?

Because it took Belichick's kid this long to smoke all the real grass.

11. Is there one image that sums up the way Mangini and the Jets treated Belichick and the Patriots last Sunday?

Yup:



That's right, Leon. You're No. 1. Stay classy.

12. Thoughts on the Celtics?

Doc Rivers is such an inept coach is so many different ways, I'd get carpal tunnel if I tried to elaborate in detail . . . I'd say fire him, but if he can mismanage his way into getting Greg Oden to Boston, well, keep up the good work, M.L. . . . er, Doc . . . Rajon Rondo must get Bassy's minutes, pronto . . . I know he can't guard his scrawny shadow, but Gerald Green needs to play. He could score 10 a night on athleticism alone . . . Wally Szczerbiak is nothing but a one-legged jump shooter at this point. Quick, trade him to a contender before he needs surgery. (Sure was fun watching him light up a defenseless Adam Morrison, though.) . . . The Celtics will never fully commit to the running game as long as Paul Pierce is around. He's too set in his ways, which usually includes grabbing a rebound and immediately putting it on the floor rather than getting it to the point guard . . . For all of the ugliness of this early season, I still think Green, Rondo, Al Jefferson, and Kendrick Perkins are a fine young core who deserve a chance to grow together, and the Celtics are better off now than they were the day Danny Ainge took over. Small consolation, right?

13. We know they'll gag in the playoffs, but is anyone going to beat the Colts during the regular season?

If T.O. can hold onto two-thirds of the passes that hit his hands, I like Dallas's chances Sunday. And count me as a Tony Romo believer - his arm is strong enough, he's poised, and brings an unmistakable jolt of energy to an offense that was lacking in urgency during the Bledsoe era. Where have we heard that before? (By the way, we don't condone clicking this link. But it's pretty funny if you imagine Drew's monotone voice while reading it.)

14. What is the most annoying commercial on television at the moment, Non-John Cougar Mellancamp Sellout Division?

Three words: ALARM CLOCK CATASTROPHE!!! Seriously, whoever came up with this ad campaign, which features people you want to slap singing non-sensical, catchy-to-the-point-you-want-to-poke-your-eardrums-out jingles, should be subjected to listen to their own horrific aural creations on repeat from now until their last tortured days. Come to think of it, it might have been those commercials that subconsciously convinced me to stop giving Dunkin' Transfats my daily allowance.)

15. Thoughts on "The Office" merger?

I'd say it was good but not great, which more or less sums up my take on this entire uneven season. The "Lazy Scranton" bit was inspired, at least to the 12 people who are still watching SNL and got the reference. Michael and Dwight forcing the David Wells-sized guy to climb up on the table was over the top and awkward even for them, and really not all that funny. The Staples product placement was ridiculously blatant to the point of annoyance - do we really need commercials in the midst of a show that seems too short as it is? And I imagine I'm in the minority in believing Dwight is better in small doses. And . . . hmm, feel like I'm forgetting something . . . let's see, what was it . . . key plot point . . . a Phyllis nude scene? . . . nope . . . oh, right . . . the long-awaited Jim and Pam reunion. What can I say? It was both sweet and agonizing, still the most realistic and best-written unrequited relationship since the early flirtations of Sam and Diane, and it's clear Fancy New Beesley is going to have to put her heart out there just as Jim did last season. Their relationship remains the best part of the show, and the more Pam and Jim (and Karen, it seems) are involved, the more likely the end of this season will approach the heartbreaking brilliance of last year's finale.

16. I hope this isn't a violation of your restraining order, but has Jenna Fischer, per chance, ever appeared on the Tony Danza Show?

Why, yes. Yes, she has. And you'd better believe the only time I'd watch that Yankee-fan, meatpuppet Danza's blockheadathon of a show is when the Official Muse of TATB is a guest. (And if you're a straight American male - not so fast, Doogie - and don't think she looks off-the-charts hot in that clip, I'm guessing you took Bob Barker's advice and got yourself both spayed and neutered. Yeah, I'm still fighting this battle, punks.)

17. Of all of Derek Jeter's undeserved trophies, what one is the most galling? The Hank Aaron Award? The first Gold Glove? Gonzo's Gold Glove?

Easy. Jessica Biel. And all of a sudden, I'm thinking the "Jeter Drinks Wine Coolers" t-shirt I'm wearing at the moment probably isn't that effective.

18. As for today's Completely Random Football Card? (Yes, Alex, it's in the form of a question.)



Three things you may or may not have known about Joe Namath: 1) He completed just 50 percent of his passes in his career, and threw more interceptions (220) than TD (173) passes. 2. He didn't throw a touchdown pass in Super Bowl III but was named the game's MVP. 3. He wantsth to kissth you. YAHHHH!