Mark McGwire congressional hearing transcript *

Rep. Tom Davis: Mr. McGwire, thank you for coming today. My first question might seem an obvious one, but it must be asked. Did . . .

McGwire: "I'm not here today to talk about the past. I take the fifth."

Rep. Davis: "But I, uh, didn't finish my . . ."

McGwire: "Fifth. Takin' it."

Rep. Davis: "But I didn't . . ."

McGwire (in a sing-song voice): "Fiiiiiifth. FIIIIIIIFTH! F-I-F, fiiiiiifth!"

Rep. Stephen Lynch (in a stern voice): "Mr. McGwire . . . "

McGwire (in a duet with Sammy Sosa, who all of a sudden no hablo ingles): Uno . . . dos . . . tres . . . quatro . . . FIIIIIIIFTH!

Rep. Lynch: "Okay, that's enough. Mr. McGwire. Did you, as Mr. Canseco . . ."

McGwire:

(Sniff . . . )

(Sniffle . . .)

(Sob . . .)

"AHHHHHHH . . .. BOO-HOO-HOO-HOOO!!!!!! WAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! I HATE YOU, JOSE!!! I HATE YOU!!!! HATE!!!! HOW COULD YOU???? YOU SAID WERE BASH BROTHERS FOREVER!!! HOW COULD YOU????? YOU BROKE MY HEART!!!! I HATE YOU!!!! MARK MY WORDS, YOU"RE NEVER INJECTING ANYTHING INTO MY BUTT AGAIN!!!!! BOOO-HOOOO!!!!!

(Sniff . . . )

McGwire (composing himself): "Um, I think I'm gonna take the fifth there."

Canseco: (Twitch.)

Rep. Davis: "All right, Mr. McGwire. I can see we're getting nowhere with this. That is all. Thank you."

McGwire: "Hey, no problem. Glad to be of help. Don't do drugs, kids. By the way, anyone seen the Maris family? Good people. We used to be tight. Thought they might be here to support me."

Rep. Davis: "Funny you should ask, Mr. McGwire, but yes, we did speak to Roger Jr. just this morning."

McGwire: "Really? And . . . he stuck up for me, right? We were tight in '98, you know. Close. Like brothers. Not Bash Brothers but . . . well, you know."

Rep. Davis: "Well, actually, interesting thing there, Mr. McGwire. When we asked him if he still felt you were a worthy successor to his father's legacy, he said something about his dad teaching him that if you can't say something nice, you don't say anything at all."

McGwire: "So in other words . . . (sniff) . . .

Rep. Davis: "Yep, you got it . . . he took the fifth."

* - Rough translation, with sincerest apologies to Dave Chappelle.