Barry Bonds press conference transcript

(Or at least a rough translation:)

Reporter: Hi, Barry. You're a no-nonsense guy, and I know you want to get this over with, so I might as well cut to the chase here. Did you or did you not use steroids or human growth hormone?

Barry Bonds: "Steroids? You think Barry Bonds is on steroids? Seriously? C'mon. All you racist, Sanford-and-Sons hatin' liars in the media can't really believe that Barry Bonds uses anything other than hard work, flaxseed oil and Tang to improve Barry Bonds, can you?

"Think about it. If Barry Bonds were on steroids or HGH, Barry Bonds's head would be huge. You know, giant. Mammoth. Gargantuan. Colossal. Immense. Jumbo. Massive. Enormous. Whopping. Bulbous. Maybe Barry Bonds's head would even be this big . . .



"Is Barry Bonds's head this big? Barry Bonds does not believe it is. Barry Bonds rests Barry Bonds's case. Any more questions?"