Friday, June 03, 2005

The Empire strikes out

A not-so-long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away - or at least a few hours' drive from Boston . . .

George Steinbrenner, bellowing from deep inside his Yankee Stadium bunker: "Cashman, you cross-eyed sniveling weasel! Get in here! Get in here now or you can clean out your #*$# desk! CASHMAN! NOW!!!

Yankees general manager Brian Cashman, timidly entering the bunker: "Uh . . . yes, Boss?"

Steinbrenner, frantically waving a baseball card: "See this guy here? See this card? What's it say?"

Cashman: "Yes, Boss. I see it. It says . . . David Arias."

Steinbrenner: "That's right. David Arias. Look like anyone you know?"

Cashman, perplexed: "Uh . . . the mom from "Good Times?"

Steinbrenner: "Well, yes, actually . . . but that's not who I had in mind, you pitiful, pathetic nincompoop! HE LOOKS JUST LIKE DAVID ORTIZ!!!! REMEMBER DAVID ORTIZ, YOU MOUSY LITTLE INCOMPETENT PENCIL-NECK???

Cashman: "Uh, yes, Boss. Plays for the Boston Red Sox, I believe."

Steinbrenner: "Don't get fresh with me, Cashman. Give me any lip and I'll have you hand-scrubbing jockstraps before you know it. You'd probably like that, you dirty little sicko. Anyway, about this Arias. He looks just like Ortiz, does he not? Does he not, CASHMAN!?

Cashman: "He does, Boss. Yeah. Exactly, actually."


Cashman: "I said . . . uh (snivel) . . . I said, 'what would we do with David Ortiz? We already have two lefthanded-hitting first basemen in Nick Johnson and, uh, (whispering) Giambi.' "

Steinbrenner: "And?"

Cashman: "And Ortiz is killing us. (Under his breath) Friggin' Theo."

Steinbrenner: "Well, Cashman, looks like you finally got something right, you spineless inbred lint-eating twit. But this Arias here . . . this Arias could be your shot at redemption, Cashman. I'm going to say this once, so pay attention. GO GET ME DAVID ARIAS!!! Now, you half-man, half-mouse!

Cashman: "Uh, I'd love to, Boss. I really would. God, I would. But, uh, you see . . .

Steinbrenner: "You're sniveling again, Cashman. Spit it out."

Cashman: "Um, see . . . David Arias is David Ortiz, sir. He's actually David Arias Ortiz. Changed his name in the minors. Think it was right after the Twins got him from the Mariners. Not sure the reason."

Steinbrenner, his pasty face now as purple as a bloated tick: "The Mariners? He got traded from the Mariners? You mean to tell me . . ."

Cashman: "Yeah. I guess I missed out on David Arias at some point, too."

Steinbrenner: "CASHMAN, YOU SHEEP-FONDLING BOOB! I'm going to make your life a living hell, Cashman! A living hell! Now get the hell out of my office, you half-witted hamster!"

Cashman, muttering under his breath: "Between you and Ortiz . . . Arias . . . whatever the #@%# his name is, hell is sounding pretty damn good right about now. Oh, and the turtleneck? Looks stupid with a blazer, jerk."

Steinbrenner: "I heard that, Cashman! I heard that! Get scrubbing, Jock-Strap Boy! Get scrubbing!"