Sunday, January 30, 2005

Fred. Dead.

"Oh, I've got a little something for Harrison, too."

- Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Freddie "I'd Like To Thank My Mouth For Being So Loud" Mitchell, baiting Patriots safety Rodney Harrison while telling ESPN's Dan Patrick that he doesn't know the names of New England's defensive backs.

Now, Mitchell couldn't possibly have been suggesting that his "something" for Harrison will come in the form of success against him on the football field, right? Right?

Because if anyone knows Freddie Mitchell's statistics, it's Freddie Mitchell. And even he, deep down in the depths of his swollen ego, must know that season totals of 22 catches for 377 yards is something considerably less than impressive, particularly for a former first-round pick with at least three self-appointed nicknames.("Dropsies" is not one of them, and neither is "The Late Freddie Mitchell," though it could well be by halftime Sunday.)

Further, even the numbest of nuts knows not to cross Harrison. Not only is he one of the fiercest safeties in the NFL, he's one who is notorious for taking slights - real or perceived - and using them to fuel his motivation. Surely Mitchell didn't mean to give Harrison any more reason to want to violently concuss him. Which leads us back to our original question:

What could Freddie Mitchell possibly have for Rodney Harrison? It must be something. Could it be . . .

I) Candy and flowers, followed by an apology and a desperate, pathetic plea for his life?

II) Scabies?

III) A map featuring Philadelphia's finest landmarks? (No, really, Rodney. There's a lotta . . . a lotta culture here! It's a baby New York!)

IV) A formal request to be put out of his misery, preferably with repeated forearm shivers to the skull?

V) A "Right Said Fred" t-shirt?

VI) Nude photos of Elizabeth Hurley? Mitchell reportedly dated Hugh Grant's ex during his UCLA undergrad days. So he's got that going for him, which is nice.

(Gratuitous photo coming up right . . .)

. . . now. Dammmnn, Freddie. Now that's how you get respect!)

VII) Two catches for nine yards in a 31-6 loss?

I'm thinking it's likely going to be number seven, although that number of receptions might be on the generous side. If you have any other suggestions for what Mitchell might have meant (you know, ones that might actually be funny), well, hell, send 'em along.

In the meantime, I'll be staring at Liz here.