Of chicken parms and fillet o' fish

Check it out. It's Dougie, a couple thousand chicken parms* ago.

Anyway, just a quick post to let you know that the latest FOX Nine Innings column is posted here, which of course includes the obligatory Red Sox item. (Hint: Think miniscule second baseman with a big swing. No, dummy, not Remy). Also, I got clearance from the TATB Head of Household to liveblog Big Head Barry's Fenway debut Friday night, so be sure to check back around 7ish for lots of unnecessary play by play, steroid chatter, and one-liners so lame that even Lenny Clarke wouldn't use them on the Big Show. Do I know how to sell this thing or what? Seriously, hope to see you then . . . and what the heck, here are few more quickie thoughts before I crash for the night:

• I have to admit I wasn't particularly sold on the Rockies coming into this series, but after watching them take two of three from the Sox, I'm thinking they could be a legit contender in the NL West. Even though he could walk through your neighborhood unrecognized, Matt Holliday is one of the most complete hitters in the game today, Brad Hawpe, Garrett Atkins (a notorious second-half hitter), and Todd Helton form an excellent heart of the order, Kaz Matsui looks like the player the Mets thought they were getting so many years ago, and Jeff Francis and Aaron Cook have better stuff and especially poise than I ever expected from a pitcher who makes his living in Colorado. Maybe they caught the Sox at a bad time, but that sure looks like a good ballclub to me.

• Here's hoping things change, and the sooner the better, but at the moment, December 5, 2006 is beginning to look like a dark day in Red Sox history.

• There's nothing that infuriates me more as a fan than an Orsillo/Remy giggle fit while the Sox are getting pasted. It's at those moments that I miss Sean McDonough the most. While he didn't shy away from silliness in the late innings of blowouts, he'd at least draw a few astute observations out of Remy about what's going on with the team before delving into the nonsense. Orsillo is all too willing to talk about "Sox Appeal," Wally the Green Monster's home life or any other inanity that happens to be programmed into his head at the moment, and it's maddening.

• It would be cool if the *%&*#*#* Yankees lost once in a while, and to borrow a line from the great philosopher Forrest Gump, that's all I got to say about that.

• Funny, but this morning I didn't hear anyone talking about it's imperative to sign Curt Schilling to an extension. Ain't it odd how that happens?

• I'm not ready to blame Dave Magadan for the Sox's offensive slide just yet, but could it hurt to call the Dodgers and see if they might consider taking him in a straight-up swap for their novice hitting coach? The way this Sox team is swinging it at the moment, I find myself longing for the not-so-long-ago days when Billy Ballgame was battling for a batting title from the ninth spot in a loaded lineup.

• If you caught a certain commericial during the NBA Finals last night, I have absolutely no doubt that you are walking around this morning saying "Fillet O' Fish" in a British accent. Whoever came up with this marketing concept is either A) brilliant or B) someone who consumed a wide variety of illicit drugs, probably in large quantities. (Actually, it appears the ad is brainchild of Aaron Ruell, the actor who played Napoleon Dynamite's brother, Kip. Now it's starting to make sense, though I have to say I'm surprised McDonald's is even hip enough to approve of such quirky marketing techniques.)

• As for today's Completely Random Baseball Card:


Back in the day (the day in this case being sometime in 1978), the Rockies' manager was one of the game's great phenoms, considered by some (notably Sports Illustrated) to be the second coming of George Brett. Unfortunately for his aspirations, he was the first coming of Clint Hurdle, and hit .259 in parts of 10 big-league seasons before realizing he might be more suited to managing the game than playing it.

* If you don't get the chicken parm reference, well, let's just say we're a family site and all, and we're not about to link to it here. But see, there's this little thing called Google . . .

November rain

Why the title? Four reasons, really: 1) It's November. 2) It's raining out. 3) I heard the G 'N' R's bombastic epic on my drive home tonight and realized their catalogue is aging remarkably well even if Axl isn't. 4) It jogged my memory about a column I wrote in my Maine Campus days in which I weaved the lyrics of "November Rain" into a column about . . . wait for it . . . Magic Johnson and AIDS. Sound like it sucked? Yeah, it was actually worse than you think. Just abysmal. There's a better chance of me admitting Fillipelli is hotter than Beesley than of you ever seeing that thing posted here.

Anyway, a few scattered thoughts while we wait for kickoff . . .


• Sure, it could have been easy to overlook Bill Mueller. With his all-substance, little-style approach to the game and an understated Everyman persona that was contrasted by a clubhouse stocked with charismatic Idiots, it was easy to lose him in the shadows. Often it seemed he preferred it that way . But even as his arrival in and departure from Boston both were afterthoughts - he quietly slipped out as a free agent during all the Theo tumult last winter - I believe it's accurate to say he was one of the most universally admired players the Sox ever had. No matter whether you were a Trot-lovin' Dirt Dog or someone who reveled in the Manny moments, you appreciated all that Mueller brought to the team: excellent defense, a quality bat (.329 in '03), and genuine professionalism, every single day. You might recall he was pretty damn clutch, too. It's fair to say that among the handful of greatest highlights in recent Red Sox history, Mueller is at least the Best Supporting Actor in two of them, and I'm guessing the highlight reel in your mind is already playing them as you read this: There is, of course, the walkoff homer off Mariano Rivera that capped the comeback in the "Smell The Glove, A-Rod" game, and Dave Roberts will be the first to tell you that he wouldn't be a folk hero in these parts if Mueller hadn't whacked a single past Rivera's glove, scoring Roberts after legendary steal in Game 4 of the '04 ALCS. I bring all of this up because Mueller was forced to retire from the LA Dodgers this week, his famously creaky knees now "crumbling" and an active lifestyle an impossibility at the moment. While I'm sure he will be successful in his new role as a front-office consultant to Dodgers GM Ned Colletti, it's sad to see such an admirable athlete's career end prematurely. So I just wanted to say farewell - and thank you - to one ex-Red Sox everyone could agree was worthy of our cheers. It'd be a shame for him to be overlooked now.

• Three years and $14 million for Alex Gonzalez? First reaction: You gotta love the glove, but for that money, the Reds can have him and his noodle bat. Of course, this opinion is liable to be reversed come May, when the Sox are paying the unlikeable and uninspiring Julio Lugo $8 million a year to sling errant throws into the rich-guy seats.

• If the Red Sox are going to win the J.D. Drew sweepstakes, you bet I'd prefer the winning bid be the 2-year, $30-million deal the Rocky Mountain News reported this week rather than the 4-year, $56-million future albatross that Drew is supposedly coveting. I'm not as down on Drew as some people - there's no question he is a highly productive hitter when healthy, and he'd fit nicely into the five spot behind Papi and Manny. But when you hear about the famously passive L.A. fans growing frustrated with his nonchalant attitude, that's a clue he's probably not the kind of guy you want to reward with long-term security. I'm guessing he wouldn't be so injury-prone on a short contract.

• Manny for Aaron Heilman and Lastings Milledge, eh, Buster? I'd like to believe there's at least one key name omitted from this rumor - hell, I'm pretending it's Carlos Beltran's, if only for my mental health. Unfortunately, that nagging suspicion can't be denied: If Omar Minaya is willing to give up Heilman (a journeyman waiting to happen) and Milledge (whose star fell farther with every overmatched at-bat last season), I think Theo gives serious consideration to moving Manny to the Mets. And just so you know, that's when I start breaking things.

• Two weeks ago, we never would have thunk it, but suddenly the course of the Patriots' season depends heavily on the outcome of today's business trip to Lambeau . . . and suddenly, it doesn't look so much like a sure 'W' as it did the first time we smugly eyeballed the schedule. If the Pats lose to Brett (He's Having Fun Out There! He's Like A Little Kid! He'd Play For Free! He's Swallowing Vicodin By The Fistful!) Favre and the Packers today, they're looking at a 6-4 record, a three-game losing streak, and the looming specter of a bloodbath with the Bears next Sunday. In other words: This is what you call a must-win. So . . . will they? Common sense says yes, that Brady will snap out of this funk, Maroney will get the ball more than 12 damn times, and the defense will be fierce and opportunistic . . . but I'd feel a whole lot better about if 3/4ths of the starting defensive backfield wasn't watching from afar. The prediction: New England 27, Green Bay 20, and it won't be pretty.

• Broncos linebacker Al Wilson was just quoted on SportsCenter as saying the Chargers' Philip Rivers is the second-best quarterback in the NFL after Archie's Older Doofus Spawn. I'd like to think our Mr. Brady was watching ESPN tonight and would find some motivation in this, but the truth is, the way No. 12 has played against the Broncos recently, I can see why Wilson would consider him just another quarterbacking mortal.

• As for today's Completely Random Football Card:


Three Lombardi Trophies later, and I can still see Hason Graham whiffing on the tackle like it was last Sunday.

Nine innings: 08.16.06

Playing nine innings while vowing never to take Tim Wakefield or Jason Varitek for granted again . . .


1. So here we are, arriving at our annual Baseball Armageddon. The Sox are two games back and three in the loss column heading into today's much-needed offday, with the Yankees prancing and preening into Fenway tomorrow for what in preview appears to be a season-defining five-game set. While there is fun in the anticipation, I can't say I'm feeling particularly encouraged about the Sox' chances of taking, say, three of five and reassuring us that they plan on making the AL East race a photo finish. The Sox have looked way too much like the Pittsburgh Pirates lately, you know? Then again, David Wells's vintage victory over Justin Verlander and the Tigers tonight did restore some measure of my optimism, and maybe the Sox do intend to put their recent K.C.-Tampa debacle behind them and again begin playing like the team that owned the American League's second-best record for much of the summer. Had they again lost in a lifeless manner tonight, I may not have been able to resist the temptation to write this team off as fatally flawed, sluggish, pitching-poor, exposed as a pretender rather than a contender. But now, after watching Papi hit one more crucial home run, after seeing Jonathan Papelbon nail down his first easy save in some time, after watching the necessary Wells bleed another victory out of that blessed left arm . . . well, maybe the darkest clouds have passed and this team is about to find it's mojo again. Yeah, I know, I'm really taking a stand here, huh? Hey, with this schizophrenic team, your guess is as good as Theo's. We'll know the truth about their intentions in five days and, minimum, 45 innings from now. This much we are certain of: the rejuvenation couldn't arrive at a better time.

2. Seth Mnookin's "Feeding the Monster" didn't become a best-seller by accident. The thing was promoted to the point of saturation - by the time I actually read the book, I felt like I had already heard or read every key detail, whether the info came from an excerpt in the Globe Magazine or ESPN.com, an online chat, or during one of Mnookin's radio and TV appearances. The dude was everywhere - hell, I'm still waiting for the excerpt in "Tiger Beat." (Yep, still a subscriber.) That's not to say I didn't enjoy it (I did, with a few minor nits) and it certainly did have it's share of small revelations and reminders of details that escaped my memory. Two that made me raise my eyebrows: 1) Bill Mueller was among those unhappy with his playing time last season and even considered pursuing a trade. Guess he wasn't always the selfless saint he was portrayed as. 2) Theo damn near traded Derek Lowe for Matt Clement at the trade deadline in '04. Somehow, I think Buck, McCarver and the Fox nitwits would still be able to hammer us over the head with Curse of the Bambino references had that trade been consummated.

3. Maybe it's because I still vividly remember that heartbreaking picture of him consoling Tim Wakefield after Game 7 in '03, but Mike Timlin has always seemed to me to be the I-got-your-back type, a loyal and accountable teammate, one never to make excuses for his own failings. So I have to say his comments about the Sox offense needing to score more runs were as disappointing as they were disingenuous. You'd think he'd realize that the Sox hitters might be more productive if they got to fatten up their stats against the BLEEPIN' PATHETIC RED SOX BULLPEN like the rest of the league does!!! Geez, the hubris.

4. The next time you catch me beeyatching about Coco Crisp in this space, please, remind me of a couple of things: 1) I was so giddy about his performance in the spring and pre-injury that I got all Peter King-on-Favre about him, waved my pompons and bleated that he was charismatic, electric, and would own the city of Boston. 2) The broken knuckle very likely is still affecting him at the plate, and to his credit, he hasn't used it as an alibi once. 3) He's been pretty damn good lately - he chipped in with a go-ahead two-run double and a key bunt tonight - and maybe the best is yet to come. This isn't to say I don't have my complaints about him or wonder if we were slightly misled regarding his true abilities, but I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt for now. He could be the wild card.

5. If I hadn't seen him play previously, I'd be suspicious that Sal Fasano is really a composite of all Yankees fans, created in a cloning lab in the bowels of Yankee Stadium by Steinbrenner's minions.

6. About the grating doofus in the booth during the Sox telecast the other night (and I don't mean Orsillo this time): Does anyone other than Lenny Clarke actually find Lenny Clarke funny? Why the hell hasn't someone told him that loud doesn't equate to humorous? Denis Leary must be a good and loyal friend to let this punchline-challenged blowhard ride on his coattails all these years.

7. Regarding Jason Giambi's alleged mustache, a topic of mockery on PTI tonight: Is he actually attempting to grow that thing, or is it a side effect? With his scientifically swollen build and disconcerting facial hair, looks like a female East German swimmer from the '84 Olympics.

8. Well, looks like some reinforcements are on the way. The Sox signed former Tigers (and Northeastern) first baseman Carlos Pena tonight, the Jays' Eric Hinske is reportedly on the way though NESN didn't confirm it after the game, and there are multiple rumors that the Sox will acquire reliever LaTroy Hawkins from the Orioles in the next day or two. My take? I like the Pena signing - he's got some pop, is excellent defensively, and still has time to live up to his potential. It's a low-risk, high-reward gamble. Hinske? He's due something like $5 million last year, which is a lot of money for someone who seems to regress at little more each season. But he mashes righties, and the Sox are desperate for a decent lefty stick off the bench (though it should be Trot Nixon, assuming he can recover from his latest bizarre injury). As for Hawkins, he's the classic million-dollar arm, plug-nickel head. He throws in the mid-'90s, but he's got a well-deserved rep as the guy you do not want on the mound in a crucial situation. But I suppose he can't be any worse than Seanez or Tavarez, right? As far as spare parts go, it's not a bad haul.

9. As for today's Completely Random Baseball Card:



Daddy Wags. Get it? C'mon, indulge me just one more hackneyed reference to fatherhood here. Please?