Thursday, January 13, 2005

Significant shrinkage

News item: According to the Associated Press, Major League Baseball and the Players Association today agreed on a tougher steroid-testing program that will suspend first-time offenders for 10 days and randomly test players year-round. A first positive test would result in a penalty of 10 days, a second positive test in a 30-day ban, a third positive in a 60-day penalty, and a fourth positive test in a one-year ban -- all without pay. A player who tests positive a fifth time would be subject to discipline determined by the commissioner.

Coincidentally, bloated San Francisco Giants basher Barry Bonds announced today that he has taken up yoga instead of weightlifting, has sworn off "flaxseed oil," "the clear," "the cream," and "Chicken McNuggets," had his mammoth head shrunken three sizes by a witch doctor, and intends on reporting to spring training looking like this: